Beautifically-Impaired


Hello, My Lovelys! My blog today shall be a little harsh, but I just can’t put it off any longer. I shall be addressing the fact of how unfortunate-looking my Rockstar’s ex is. (the one he has a daughter with, NOT his model ex-wife) I’m not saying this because I harbor a secret vendetta against her, because I don’t; I must mention it simply because I cannot understand how he could have kissed (or MORE-ed) someone who makes me go “Eeesh!” when I look at her. And as they say, “If you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me!”

Last evening was my Rockstar’s Daughter’s first soccer game, or as she put it, “The best day of my LIFE!”. It actually ended up being the night I realized that there are freezing mini-hurricanes in Minnesota, but that’s beside the point. While we were watching the game,(the Daughter was easy to spot on the field because her jersey hung down past her shorts, so she looked like she hadn’t any pants on) her Mom came up around half-time and started watching with us. I have already mentioned in past blogs how accutely curious I am about my Rockstar’s exes, and this one is no exception. I actually got aquainted with her when they were dating about 11 years ago, when I was still dating my not yet Ex-hubby. The only thing I remember about her back then is that she was the oldest person at the party we were at, and a complete Fun-Dud. (I suppose that comes sometimes with age, but thinking about it, she would have been around the age I am now, and I’m the funnest person I know.) I remember my Ex telling me at the time that this woman and my Rockstar started dating because she just started coming over to his house and taking her clothes off. Makes sense to me- after all, he IS a rockstar…

Anyhoo, as we were watching the soccer game, I was more than slightly distracted by this woman, who we will now artlessly call Ugly Ex. Her profile itself was so disturbing, that I began to tune out the game and examine her more closely (and probably not very discreetly.) When I stare at people like this, (which I do quite often, I admit) I try to notice everything about them. Yes, this may seem unconventional, but it’s just one of my things, so there. Have you ever heard of the word jowls? Because in my extensive reading, I have come upon this word quite frequently, mostly describing Henry VIII or Elvis in their later drug-induced years. I have never encountered someone in real life who actually has them, until last night. Ugly Ex has them. The oddest part about this is that she is not really over-weight- in fact, I would say she probably weighs less than me- in her bra, in her hair, in her ass, and anywhere else where a few extra pounds would actually look exceptional. So, aside from the jowls, her facial skin is very ruddy looking, which I suppose may not be able to be helped. As she turned to say something to my Rockstar, I was startled by her teeth, which are quite yellowed (from much smoking and Coca-Cola), and the fact that they are crooked. Remember Jewel’s little snaggle tooth? Imagine that all the way across. Ok, I admit, they are maybe not THAT bad, but I can’t come up with a better example. At that point, I felt I had to look away from her facial area, as I had seen enough, although I will mention that she has a double chin, which I have noticed may carry down slighty to the Daughter, unfortuneatly. Moving down, my eyes slid right past her very flat ass to her feet. Feet are kinda important to me, as I am obsessed with shoes, though I have come across many unpleasant paws in my life. Sadly, this was one of those occassions. Her very gnarly toenails were painted with that sandy brownish color that old ladies wear. By then, I felt I had come to a decision. My Rockstar had better be DAMN happy he’s got me. even if, at times, I AM neurotic.

No, I do not feel threatened by her. I may resent her a bit for having got to have a child with MY Rockstar, but I know he loves me (he never even liked her much- his words). Do not feel bad that I have torn her to pieces, because her looks have not in any way hindered her ability in catching enough men to have spawned three daughters from three different men. I just can’t get over the fact that when I look at her, it makes me go “Eesh!” XOXO

P.S. I just walked by Maurices on the way to work, and their mannequin’s boobies are disturbingly perky.

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5 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Children, Family, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized

5 responses to “Beautifically-Impaired

  1. Pingback: Too Much Style (For Some People) | sparklebumpsthebookwhore

  2. Gah! They are super perky! And the ones in Scheels creep me out. I actually ended up having a conversation with one because I thought it was a real person who is in my way. Ha.

  3. Remember the words of Robin Williams: Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.

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