Daily Archives: October 20, 2011

The Bookwhore in the Kitchen With the Wad of Dough


One of the things I am proud of in my life is that I have always made my own money, and I have never been unemployed. I suppose technically, since I am a Pizza Slut, I’m not unemployed, but until Frenchy Christophe gives me more hours, I am stuck with much more time on my hands. This in a way is a good thing, because I have more time to write, which was always my excuse for NOT doing so before, but at the same time, I must point out that I have a very short attention span, so I tend to bound from one activity to the next, as evidenced by my recently watched list on Netflix Live. (I started watching 5 movies yesterday and didn’t finish one of them). Also, my need to feel useful and not like a slacker has found me this day in the kitchen, attempting to bake bread.

I have mentioned my lack of expertise in the kitchen on several occassions, however, it has seemed that my baking skills have been improving, albeit at quite an unhurried pace. I no longer find myself crouching in front of a heated oven wondering if I should stick my head in it when my caramel rolls resemble something leaking from a head gash in the latest John Carpenter movie, nor recently have I cracked up into an explosive spasm of tears when my Rockstar tells me my breadsticks would taste better sans the blackened crust. (It’s happened) That being said, my cooking still in no way brings to mind that bitch Betty Crocker, unless one refers to how very UN-LIKE her cooking my sustenence is.

I am stubborn, and I will not be shown up by a boodle of dough, even though I would be quite embarrassed if someone were to walk in right now and witness me screaming  into a bowl, “Rise! You Son of a Bitch! Rise!” I will NOT be undone.

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Filed under Food, Humor, Life, Uncategorized

Eulogy


Inspired by John’s post about funeral music, I thought it would be a good idea to write a eulogy for myself, on the off-chance that I decide to take a dirt nap. I have no plans of expiring any time soon, however, I am already past my Use By Date, so you never know. And as I know myself better than anyone else (because I have almost no friends and my parents are still convinced that I am not a bad seed) and as I wish to be conveyed in a proper and truthful light, it is up to me to write a eulogy that does this. I could leave it up to my Rockstar, but he is not quite as eloquent as I, and anyway, he has the spelling credentials of a 2nd grader, so no-one would even be able to read it. So here we go:

Sparklebumps was a girl who loved happiness, and felt it was her duty to bring it to others. Her ruffly skirts and glittery shirts made her feel like a movie star, and she wore her make-up as an accessory. claiming, “Look! Look at my sparkly purply eyeshadow!”, while batting her eyes at anyone who would pay attention. Her exctasy over little things like that kept her from being sent to the loony bin, I think.

As much as Sparkle enjoyed material things, (shoes, french fries, castles) she knew there was more to life than that. The best times were spent in the company of her Beloveds, even if they were just bummin’ around. To steal a line from her favorite movie, Moulin Rouge, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return.” *sigh*

Yes, Sparkle was living in her own little musical. She would sporadically burst into song, just because it made her feel better. She knew the musical was all about her, (while some people claimed that was just her histrionic personality disorder) and every day she tried to be worthy of that honor. It did really upset her though, when other people refused to burst into song at their allotted times.

Sparkle loved books. She always said she would have a library, and she did. She just didn’t have a place to put it. Her love of books held no boundaries- she had fiction, how-to books, art books, self-help, bios, poetry, etc. Her thesaurus was her favorite, but sadly she misplaced it. She would leave all of these to her Rockstar and his Daughter, however- they don’t appreciate books because they are silly, so the only ones she will leave to her Rockstar is the Motley Crue trilogy.

Sparkle wanted to be an FBI agent, a writer,a mechanic,  an artist, a hairdresser, a surgeon, a lawyer, and a plethora of other things. This is the reason why she never went to school; the Libra in her was very bad at making decisions, and she would have wasted millions when she changed her mind every semester. She settled instead for the unstable life of getting whatever job would hire her. Perhaps not ideal, at the same time she met alot of people she wouldn’t have otherwise, and learned alot of stuff school never would have taught her.

Do not be sad for Sparklebumps, for she is now living in a hut in heaven. A hut? you ask? Yes, when she was younger, her father told her if she did no good deeds on earth , the only thing she will have earned when she got to Heaven was a hut. To which she replied, “Well, maybe I will only have a hut, but God taught me to be content with what I have, and anyway, everyone will want to come on over to my house, and you will be sitting in your heavenly mansion all alone, so there.”

I guess there is not much else to say, except that Sparkle was thankful for all her bloggy pals, that made her feel like her writing was worth reading. And she just wanted to love everyone in the whole world, but that would have made her a little slut. So she settled for flirting. Peace.

 

P.S. By the way, you are all invited to my funeral, (whenever it may be) but you must all wear something sparkly or bright, or they won’t let you in. Don’t worry, it will be an awesome party, with much candy. XOXO

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Filed under Books, Children, Family, Friendship, God, Humor, Life, Love, music, Uncategorized, Work