The Ten Commandments: A Translation

While sitting in church today, I decided to compose a little sermon. Having spent a great deal of time in church in my life, I am well aware of the dangers of a boring sermon. So here is an attempt to translate the ten commandments in a completely non-dull way that is easy to understand:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

Obviously this is God talking here. Basically He means, quit idolizing Kim Kardashian, because she is not going to kick your ass if you like God more than her.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.

Statues of Kim Kardashian are not permitted either.

3.Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

God doesn’t appreciate it when you spout pointless phrases such as “Jesus fuckin’ Christ” and “God damn you.” If God wants to damn someone, He can do it without you telling Him to. He wishes you to only speak His name in honoring ways, such as “Hey God, what’s up?” and “You are one cool dude, Lord.”

4. Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy.

Take a day off every week. But don’t be a lazy slob the rest of the week.

5. Honor thy Father and thy Mother.

Even though you may not agree with your dad when he’s giving a pounding to you, God expects you to smile and nod. However, I don’t really think a “thank you” is necessary.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

Blowing people up and chopping their heads off is out.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

I looked up the definition of adultery just to make sure I didn’t give you falsified information.

Adultery: .noun, plural -ter·ies.

Def. voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.

No fucking around with a married person- unless you are the spouse of said married person.

There are many people who believe having sex without marriage is adultery. To those people I say, “Na-na-na-na-NA-na.”

8.Thou shalt not steal.

If you want something that’s not yours, you must buy or trade for it. No freebies unless noted.

9Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

This is usually translated as “Lying is not allowed.” What that means is- God is listening when you tell your girlfriend she’s the only one you look at and imagine naked; also, remain silent when she asks, “Does this make me look fat?”

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house.

If you are rich, this probably won’t be a problem for you, as you will have your own nice abode, but basically, don’t be jealous when your friends have it better than you.

 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.

This was nice of God to include all sexual preferences in this one. He means, it’s best not to lust after your aquaintance’s old lady, even if she looks like Jessica Alba; or for that matter, don’t lust after his servants or his livestock either. Keep you pants on and get your own shit.

Disclosure: All commandments have been taken from the King James Version of the Holy Bible. All translations have been taken from Sparklebumps’ brain, and therefore have not been meant to offend any person or persons that read them. The language used in this post was to help lay-people understand what is expected of them. Though she believes she has a friend in Jesus, she in no way is denouncing any beliefs that her reader’s may have that differ from hers. God expects us to love everybody and to leave the judgeing business up to him. So there.