Dammit! Why is it that I have to take a poo as soon as I paint my fingernails?! How am I supposed to pull my pants down without messing them up?
Daily Archives: October 24, 2011
Filed under Humor, Life, Uncategorized
A Letter From a Past Life
One of the habits that I have that has been both a blessing and a curse is that I tend to hoard stuff. I have kept the hoarding mainly designated to books, because I do not believe that will place me on that awful Hoarders show. The only other things that I excessively save are notes and letters I’ve received from the past. I was digging through a box today when I came across a letter my ex-hubby wrote right after I left him. Here you go:
To my love the Best wife ever
I Have Really Been Doing some hard Thinking and Besides stresses of my Back a Dumb Bad and A poor economy and way to many Bills I have come to realize that my actions are to Blame.
I Have Been A very poor Husband and my Priorities are really screwed up.
I Totally Have not Been spending enough close time with you or making you feel special and I don’t kiss you enough and It’s not because I Don’t love you or like to
I have took things for granit though things were better than they were and not attending to your needs when I should Have Been and have not took you to nice places enogh.
also I Have not Been doing my Part of HouseHold chores like I should Have Been, you are the hardest working wife ever and should not Have to come Home to A mess after such A long day. I have Been very poor for noticing these things Becaus I can be kind of Dumb sometimes
I know you can’t Pay all the Bills and I really need to step it up and not Be lazy with work.
I’v made you unHappie for A long time now and not even Relized it
I Have A lot to change and will now try to change
I Know you want Babies and I Due to, I Hope it Has nothing to do with you wanting to leave
I also understand why you want to go and I don’t blame you, this would be a lot to Deal with for A long time
We Have Been together for A long time and I know we have A lot of Good memeries and Happines in the past
I Really love you more than anything in the world and want you to be Happie
I really couldn’t imagin life without you and fear facing it I know I Have A lot of issues But please Before we call it quits for Good and move on, I ask you as your loving Husband that we give it some time and take some merital counciling together so I can make you Happy again, I do believe you want to Be married to me and I want to make you Happy
I know I can change things to make you Happy if you let me pleas don’t give up on our marrage just yet
your loving husband
Yeah, I kind of felt like a Bitch after that one.
Filed under Family, Life, Love, Uncategorized
I’ve Had A Dream
In typical Sparklebumps fashion, I completely forgot to mention a little dream I had last week. Of course, the distraction from getting fired may have had something to do with it.
Let me fill you in on a bit of my dream history.
When I was 4 and 5, I had a recurring dream that freaked the piss out of me for some unknown reason.
I would dream I would hear music coming from the basement of my house (which was a house we didn’t live in) and I would go down to investigate. On some occasions, in my dream, my mom would come down the stairs smoking a cigarette and carry me back up to bed. Other times, in my dream, I would follow the music down a long hallway that had a flickering light at the end of it. I never did get to the end of the hallway.
When I was perhaps 7, I dreamed that my mom and I were running away from a man who had just escaped prison, and we hid in an abandoned mechanic shop that was in the middle of a field. The man found us and poked my mom’s eye out with a board. When I awoke, I rushed to my mother and confirmed that both her eyeballs were in their sockets.
I have had good dreams, as well, but they seem much more un-interesting, so I will not share them at this time.
When I worked at a day-program for mentally handi-capped people, I had a dream that I was pregnant with triplets, which I delivered amidst the probing eyes of the clients I worked with. The building we were in then started on fire (because labor always brings on a fire) and I rushed to the bathroom with my babies. The bathroom transported me to a swamp that was infested with hungry crocodiles, which tried unsuccessfully to eat my new babies. I screamed at the crocs,”Get away from my babies, you fuckers!”
Another baby dream I had while I was married that was quite entertaining: I dreamed I went to a Baptist college that many of my friends have gone to, and I got kicked out because I had diahrrea of the mouth and went running up and down the halls cursing. I then found myself in the middle of a series of cornfields, being hunted down by military helicopters intent on blowing me into tiny pieces for this infraction. I escaped into a falling down farmhouse that seemed secure, and proceeded to have a baby boy (even though I don’t remember being pregnant) and as I sat rocking my new babe, he looked up at me and said, “Don’t worry, mommy, I won’t grow up to be a Republican.” This did NOT amuse my then-husband, as he and his entire family WERE Republican, and essentially treated Election Day as a national holiday.
So, like what happens to many other people, the details of the dream I had last week faded from my mind upon awaking, however, I remember the gist of it.
I was having dinner at a nice restaurant with Country music stars Jason Aldean (whom I don’t especially find attractive), Eric Church (whom I also do not find attractive, but sings my favorite song at the moment Drink in my Hand), Luke Bryan (who I believe to be the the most legitimate hick of all time- HELLO! he actually says WARSH instead of WASH in a song), and another current male country singer who was devoid of a face. (which seems to happen in dreams alot) I was just kickin’ back with the boys, confabulating about hot chics and other important Man Topics, when the waitress brought our food. The following occurrence that happened in my dream is eerily accurate to real life: each of the guys asked if they could have a french fry from my plate, and I proceeded to become hysterical at the thought that they would DARE suggest such a thing. I then swooped down on them all and thieved all of their dinners from them.
What can I say- who can be bothered with famous men when there are french fries to be had?
Filed under Entertainment, Food, Humor, Life, Uncategorized