A Versatile Blogger

*tearing up and fanning myself* I would like to take this opportunity to thank Kana and her Notebook for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger award. Without this award, I would just be another individual spouting tom-bloggery in a sea of internet. I am informed that I must do the following to accept my award:

1. Thank my nominator (Kana) and link to her blog.

2.Bestow this award upon 15 other unsuspecting bloggers whose sites have entertained me daily, and let them know I have done so.

3.List 7 random things about myself.

Since I have thanked Kana and her awesomely-inked self, here is my list of blogger Lovelys. (I am not sure if I can list people who have already received the award from others, so I will just do what I think is best.):

A True Unfolding: a woman after my own heart, who loves Frida Kahlo and sex and talking dirty.

Freshest15: a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart who writes about her dreams and will get them all. She is a source of inspiration to me, even though I’m twice her age.

Trask Avenue: a man who takes beautiful pictures and writes beauteous and funny things who doesn’t want me to move to New Jersey unless I bring cake.

theworldaccordingtoscarp: a hilarious woman whom I shall share beer and pizza with someday.

Very Normal: a lovely Englishwoman who has excellent taste in shoes who will ALSO achieve her dreams

The Camel Life: a woman who has a strange obsessions with Kim Kardashian which I don’t understand, who is better looking that Kim and is an excellent writer

That Girl Behind The Book: my ex-co-worker who was fired the same day as I was from our bookstore; the beautiful girl who inspired me to start the blog that entertains you all so.

Der Erzahler: that person who posts lovely erotic pictures for me to admire every day.

H.E. Ellis: the woman I  am to marry if my Rockstar doesn’t marry me. I think we shall be very happy together in our prom dresses. 😉

Tinkerbelle: another lovely Englishwoman who believes Laughter is catching.

BrainRants: an awesome ranter who has made me famous by association; I’m a Rockstar in his world. 🙂

FromPage2Screen: one of my first followers who made sure to let me know my babbling was worth his time.

The Tale of my Heart: a blogger that posts beautiful and inspiring things.

Savor the Folly: my new bloggy friend who appreciates my blogs, even the ones about poop.

Sandy Like a Beach: a woman with awesome sparkle.

Aright, now the hard part is done. Trying to figure out how to link everything is going to be a pain in the ass. Now the part you’ve all been waiting for.

7 things about me:

1. Groups of children do to me what the movie JAWS would do to a 6 year old- terrify and provoke nightmares.

2. I am anti-social, despite my efforts to be glittering and amusing.

3. I received the basics of my sexual education from my girlfriend who was 3 years older than me when I was 7.

4. I will never try any drug, not even once, because I know that I would like them too much. Heroin would be my drug of choice if I were to ever change my mind.

5. When I was 8, I slipped on the stairs and messed up the growing of my big toenail. I did it again when I was 10, and once more when I was 14. I bet you’ve never heard of a toenail having a scar, but my did until a few years ago.

6. When I was younger, I wanted to be in beauty pagents like my older cousin, but my parents wouldn’t let me. I realize now that was because I was a chubby kid with huge plastic glasses and not perfect teeth.

7. My mind is far more twisted and fucked up than anyone could ever possibly imagine.

Ok, that’s all for now. If you wish to know more about me, you may simply ask, as I do not try to redirect any questions that are posed to me. All you bloggy people I nominated, I’m sorry I gave you more work to do, as it is not easy to nominate your faves. XOXO

The Story of A Mormon Boy

My post today is about a Mormon boy I worked with once upon a time.

Once upon a time, when Sparklebumps worked at a department store that was overrun with Mormon employees. She became friends with one of the Mormon boys who was on the edge of 20, and they chattered endlessly about the book ideas they had and how best to write said books.

For those of you who don’t know much about Mormon customs, when a Mormon boy graduates from high school, he is then expected to go on a mission to a different part of the world for 2 years. Some choose not to go, and some are not allowed to go when they confess their naughty sex sins to their leader. This boy Sparklebumps knew was to remain in the United States for his mission, due to a health issue.

Now, Sparklebumps has a knack for getting people to talk about very personal stuff. Perhaps it is her sparkling nature, or the fact that no subject is taboo, who knows. Anyhoo, one day the Mormon told Sparkle that he and his girlfriend did IT and how he liked to post pictures of her naked on amature porn websites. He requested that she check them out and get back to him with her honest opinion.

Now Bumps is all about the porn, and was intrigued. What kind of girl dates a Mormon who is taught sex before marriage is bad, yet tempts him enough to both somewhat deny his beliefs and then brag about it? So I looked up the site he gave me.

I was sorely disappointed. Not to say the girl wasn’t hot. In fact, her very perky boobies were surprisingly large for such a young and skinny girly. (Don’t worry, she is legal). The issue I had was in her face. Have any of you heard the term “Butterface”? Because she, unfortuneately, had one.

Butterface: a girl that has a nice body butt boobs and such but her face is very revolting.

Mormon Boy was boisterously curious to see what I had to say about his girlfriend. Sadly, he asked for an honest opinion and since angels cannot lie, I gave it to him. I let him know that his girlfriend had a butterface (as he was obviously unaware of the fact) and told him that I was so distracted by her frontispiece that I was unable to enjoy whatever funness was going on down below. I also let him know that the pictures that screamed, “Look at my pussy!” were not of the classy sort that I prefer. He was disappointed with my review, and assured me he would take some classier photos. I’m not exactly sure why my opinion mattered so, but when I told him I was not especially fond of blondes in the first place, he had her dye her hair.

A few weeks later, Mormon Boy let me know there were new photos to view, as well as a video. With much unease, I made my way to my computer yet again, prepared to have my eyes assaulted by Butterface once more. I was pleased to see that her pictures now whispered, “Would you like to take a look at my pussy?” instead of yelling “Look at my beaver, Bitches!” and the brown hair was a vast improvement. I however, was still disturbed by her face, and the 13 minute video he had me watch was excruciating.

Now, I have spent my fare share of time watching porn (for educational purposes only, of course) and I am appalled at the many women who are very horrific actors in this genre. Mormon Girlfriend was one of them. I have heard that speaking during sex, saying, “Oh, yeah, right there, ooh, you’re SO big, mmmmm, I’m gonna come” is a turn on for guys, but there is a way to make it believable, and then there is the crap way where it just seems like you are bored and want it to be over.

The gist of the video was 13 minutes of masturbation with various toys. I would say that I most adept at getting off when I am servicing myself, so if I were to make a similiar video, there would be no need to fake it. This girl SO obviously was faking it. That and the fact that 13 minutes of jamming toys up your cooch can get tiring to watch made me want to make my own video as a how-to guide.

The Mormon asked me to share around his girlfriend, so I placated him by mentioning her site to several of my Guy Aquaintances. They all said the same thing- “I can find way hotter chics on the internet.” My Rockstar agreed that her face was quite unfortunate-looking.

Anyhoo, the Mormon Boy ended up getting sent on his mission, and then proceeded to get sent home when the guilt of his indiscretions overwhelmed him and he confessed to his elders. He came back home and let me know that he was trying desperately to amend his ways, though at the same time he let me know there were new pics up of his girl.