The Story of A Mormon Boy

My post today is about a Mormon boy I worked with once upon a time.

Once upon a time, when Sparklebumps worked at a department store that was overrun with Mormon employees. She became friends with one of the Mormon boys who was on the edge of 20, and they chattered endlessly about the book ideas they had and how best to write said books.

For those of you who don’t know much about Mormon customs, when a Mormon boy graduates from high school, he is then expected to go on a mission to a different part of the world for 2 years. Some choose not to go, and some are not allowed to go when they confess their naughty sex sins to their leader. This boy Sparklebumps knew was to remain in the United States for his mission, due to a health issue.

Now, Sparklebumps has a knack for getting people to talk about very personal stuff. Perhaps it is her sparkling nature, or the fact that no subject is taboo, who knows. Anyhoo, one day the Mormon told Sparkle that he and his girlfriend did IT and how he liked to post pictures of her naked on amature porn websites. He requested that she check them out and get back to him with her honest opinion.

Now Bumps is all about the porn, and was intrigued. What kind of girl dates a Mormon who is taught sex before marriage is bad, yet tempts him enough to both somewhat deny his beliefs and then brag about it? So I looked up the site he gave me.

I was sorely disappointed. Not to say the girl wasn’t hot. In fact, her very perky boobies were surprisingly large for such a young and skinny girly. (Don’t worry, she is legal). The issue I had was in her face. Have any of you heard the term “Butterface”? Because she, unfortuneately,Β had one.

Butterface: a girl that has a nice body butt boobs and such but her face is very revolting.

Mormon Boy was boisterously curious to see what I had to say about his girlfriend. Sadly, he asked for an honest opinion and since angels cannot lie, I gave it to him. I let him know that his girlfriend had a butterface (as he was obviously unaware of the fact) and told him that I was so distracted by her frontispiece that I was unable to enjoy whatever funness was going on down below. I also let him know that the pictures that screamed, “Look at my pussy!” were not of the classy sort that I prefer. He was disappointed with my review, and assured me he would take some classier photos. I’m not exactly sure why my opinion mattered so, but when I told him I was not especially fond of blondes in the first place, he had her dye her hair.

A few weeks later, Mormon Boy let me know there were new photos to view, as well as a video. With much unease, I made my way to my computer yet again, prepared to have my eyes assaulted by Butterface once more. I was pleased to see that her pictures now whispered, “Would you like to take a look at my pussy?” instead of yellingΒ “Look at my beaver, Bitches!” and the brown hair was a vast improvement. I however, was still disturbed by her face, and the 13 minute video he had me watch was excruciating.

Now, I have spent my fare share of time watching porn (for educational purposes only, of course) and I am appalled at the many women who are very horrific actors in this genre. Mormon Girlfriend was one of them. I have heard that speaking during sex, saying, “Oh, yeah, right there, ooh, you’re SO big, mmmmm, I’m gonna come” is a turn on for guys, but there is a way to make it believable, and then there is the crap way where it just seems like you are bored and want it to be over.

The gist of the video was 13 minutes of masturbation with various toys. I would say that I most adept at getting off when I am servicing myself, so if I were to make a similiar video, there would be no need to fake it. This girl SO obviously was faking it. That and the fact that 13 minutes of jamming toys up your cooch can get tiring to watch made me want to make my own video as a how-to guide.

The Mormon asked me to share around his girlfriend, so I placated him by mentioning her site to several of my Guy Aquaintances. They all said the same thing- “I can find way hotter chics on the internet.” My Rockstar agreed that her face was quite unfortunate-looking.

Anyhoo, the Mormon Boy ended up getting sent on his mission, and then proceeded to get sent home when the guilt of his indiscretions overwhelmed him and he confessed to his elders. He came back home and let me know that he was trying desperately to amend his ways, though at the same time he let me know there were new pics up of his girl.


Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Uncategorized

22 responses to “The Story of A Mormon Boy

  1. Pingback: Down to Earth | sparklebumpsthebookwhore

  2. Pingback: The Incredibly Talented Hermit Type | sparklebumpsthebookwhore

  3. Hello just thought i would tell you something.. This is twice today i’ve landed on your blog inside the last 3 weeks looking for totally unrelated things. Odd or what?

  4. I have no idea what to say yet remain polite and un-incarcerated. Hmmm… Oh I know: I’ve had disappointing experiences with Mormons as well.

  5. Hysterical! I never heard that one . . . butterface. I laughed the whole way through and I thought it was going to be a dull morning. That was better than a cup of coffee.


  6. Ahahaha much laugh-age :L
    Muchly amusing post, I mist say πŸ™‚

  7. Precisely why I watch gay porn. They’re always pretty.

  8. hahah this is hilarious!! reminds me of an episode of SATC πŸ™‚ reading this during class and i was trying so hard not to “LOL” xoxox

  9. :/ I have come to the conclusion that men are strange creatures … I also think some Porn is crap! I do not understand how some people can make sex look so boring … they need a manual or something!!

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