“A Girl Can Never Wear Enough Blue Eyeshadow.”

Ever since I heard Jamie Lee Curtis utter these words in My Girl, I have been a believer.

While I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed to even THINK about makeup- my parents believing it would turn me into a tart or a wanton woman. In 4th grade, my friend was allowed to wear foundation because her skin resembled a 3D topographic map. There was an incident when we snuck into the bathroom at school and proceeded to smear said foundation onto our faces, which looked as though I was attempting to dress in black face, since her skin was so much darker than mine. We were rudely interrupted by my incredibly strict teacher, who looked down disapprovingly and said, “Sparkle, would your parents be happy with you at this moment?” The threat of my teacher informing my parents of my transgression kept me from playing with my friend’s makeup of then on.

When I was 15, excessive begging finally led to my parents allowing me 2 beauty basics: blush and mascara. I somehow managed to procure a tube of “Terra Cotta” lipstick as well. If you don’t know, Terra Cotta is a fancy word for dark orange. When I wore my lipstick to school, the boy I had a crush on stated, “You still have a pretty face, even though you have ten pounds of makeup on.” I was slightly confused, since my friend wore, foundation, powder, eyeshadow, AND lipstick, yet wearing a bright (albeit awful) color of lipstick seemed to make me anathema.

One of the ways in which I have been fortunate is that I never suffered from acne, so I’ve never had to cover anything up on my face. Sadly, I believe I’ve inherited the bags that are under my dad’s eyes; when I am 50, I’ll probably look like I’m ready to go on a $10,000 shopping spree. With my face.

Being a person who is easily distracted by sparkles and bright colors, a trip to ULTA puts me in a state of euphoria. Just seeing the aisles of glittery eyeliner, rows of lipstick, and rainbows of eyeshadow is enough to bring me to orgasm. If you find a girl lying in the middle of ULTA with handfuls of makeup screaming, “OOH! YES! YES! YES!” , you will know you have found me.

My pale vampiric complexion makes it possible for me to wear bright bright pink lipstick and get away with it, and fun purpley eyeshadow brings out the lovely poop color of my eyes. Perhaps when I am old, I will be the ridiculous old woman who wears too much makeup, but it will make me smile every day.