A Letter to Cheap Tippers

To whom it may concern,

I would like to take a moment and thank those individuals who have been so generous to leave me shitty tips.

I do not know how to express my gratitude at the effort you have made to dig into the recesses of your purses to come up with the 43 cents you left me, and that was kind of you to leave me the piece of gum that was smushed to one of the pennies, as well. I realize how fortunate I am that I will now enjoy endless hours of minty chewing, accompanied by a teeth filing from the gravel that was so thoughtfully ground into my gum while it was hitching a ride in your handbag for the last 6 months. A trip to the dentist is no longer necessary. Thank you.

I would like to express my appreciation to that man who took the time to dive into the deep abyss of his pocket, and while scratching his testes at the same time, managed to procure for me a crumpled dollar bill that he received when he got change from his lap dance at Sugar Daddies; I am pretty sure that brown smear on George Washington’s face is a skid mark from when Bunny slid her tips out from under the G-string that was flossing her ass crack. The lint from the bottom of your pocket was quite courteous of you to leave on the table with my tip, too.

Thanks must be paid to the elderly, as well. Your complete obliviousness when it comes to tipping makes me glad that some people still believe in fairy tales. Your friendly “Keep the two-pence, kid” is the highlight of my day. I will now be able to afford exactly one french fry.

Let me not forget those patrons who make no effort whatsoever to honor me with a tip. I am so delighted that I was allowed the opportunity to serve you miserable fuckers. It is my greatest aspiration  to bring you everything you need (before you ask for it), and to be rewarded with nothing other than your smile. While you are at it, would you be so kind as to accompany me when I go to pay my rent this month? That million-dollar smile may just be able to get me a few months free room and board. Since you seem to think that I am here as your personal slave, I feel it is your responsiblility to assure that my shelter is in order.

To those cocksuckers who order $70 worth of food, let your children run around like loonys, and leave a horrific mess and no tip, I have only one thing to say: You had better run if you see me in a dark alley, because I will shove my 6-inch heel up your ass so far, they will hear your screams of agony on Mars. Thank you, and have a good night.