Monthly Archives: October 2011

A Kid Story


So my Rockstar’s daughter doesn’t like to read. If you know anything about me, you will realize what a tragedy this is. Anyway, I wrote a story about her, hoping maybe she would get into reading. Sadly, since I didn’t include pictures, she wasn’t interested. Since I have nothing of import to post today, I shall let you all read it.

Last Wednesday, Emily Madison awoke with a jump

and she sat up real quick,

because she heard a great THUMP.

And she felt it too!

For there on her head,

all lumpy and warty,

sat a toad, calm as could be,

acting as though her head was some kind of party.

She opened her mouth to let out a yell

and you never would guess what happened!

Well, a bird flew right in there!

It’s true! I swear!

That bird flew right into her mouth without care.

Now, I have never woke up

with a toad on my head;

neither have I had a bird in my mouth while

I’m sitting in bed.

But I can imagine it would be quite hard to say,

“Help me!” or “What’s this?”

or something like, “Hey!”

Emily Madison, she huffed and she puffed,

but the only thing that even almost came out was, “MMMPPFF!”

That bird in her mouth was stuck in there good.

And the toad on her head wasn’t going anywhere, too.

So, Emily Madison thought hard as she could, and I must say, with the toad and the bird, that wasn’t easy to do!

She thought harder and harder, ’til her thinker was blue,

What could she; what couldn’t she; oh! what would she do?!

If she went off to school with this toad and this bird,

everyone there would think her simply absurd!

And really, that bird wasn’t tasting so great.

When it’s feathers tickled her nose, she gave her head a small shake,

and then, THEN…. “A-A-A-CHOOOOO!”

She sneezed. Then BOTH the bird and the toad flew!

With a PLA-PLA-PLA-PLOOEY!

Emily spit out a feather, and screamed at the top of her voice,

“Well, I NEVER!!!!!!”

Emily Madison never did quite know why

that morning that toad and that bird had stopped by.

But from that morning on, when she got tucked in at night-

She put on a hat, and she shut her mouth TIGHT!

THE END

 

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Filed under Books, Children, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Life, Uncategorized

Buttered Toast


I guess my Rockstar knew I needed some lovin’ (since he hasn’t done me for 3 days, because when I got out of the shower, he had breakfast dished up for me; nevermind that I don’t eat breakfast- he buttered my toast for me.

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Of A Certain Age


Happy Saturday, my Lovelys! This shall have to be a short post today, as I have the distinct honor of training in the Girl Who Smells Like Soup today, and so I shall actually have to do a small amount of actual work today. It is also my first official night of working as a Pizza Slut, since I finished all the ridiculously asinine training videos this week. Woo.

So I got to thinking about this subject when my Rockstar mentioned that his insurance went up this morning. I reminded him, when a person reaches a certain age, instead of their car insurance going down because of good driving, it begins to go up because old people are dangerous behind the wheel. I was really just giving him shit because I do not believe 40 is “a certain age”, although with him, I’m beginning to wonder.

Firstly, he goes to bed REALLY early. As in 8:30 or 9. I suppose in retrospect, this is really not THAT early when you consider the fact that he goes to work at 5:30, but still. When a person goes to bed when it’s still light outside, in my own opinion, that is too early. Plus, he takes naps. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be in bed with him, but I prefer it to be under totally different circumstances.

Next, of course I must mention sex. I will say firstly, the man is a stallion, using his love wand in magnificent and astonishing ways, but at what age do men generally start to think other things are more important than sex? Perhaps it is because I am a nymphomaniac, but I am of the opinion that there should be much naked fun time going on at his age, (at least 3 times a day) while he still has the use of his boners without the assistance of medication.Moving on.

He still has his teeth. For now. A week or so ago, I was  greatly disturbed when my Rockstar was speaking of dentists, and he informed me that he is of the opinion that instead of getting his teeth fixed (when from what I can tell they look good), he would much rather save the $2500 a tooth it would cost and just have the dentist relieve him of his teeth and get dentures. WHAT?! I am appalled that he thinks at his age, this is acceptable.

Yes, I realize I am not that much younger that he, being now 30, but I do not yet think he is of a certain age to be acting like an old man. He needs to wait at least 5 years.

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WHY?!


Out of the 70+ applications my bookstore received in under 2 weeks, why, oh why would they hire a girl who after ONE night of working, the boss felt the need to call me and say, “So, I feel that she will be a hard worker, it just may take her a VERY long time to figure everything out.” ? I’m sure she’s very nice, but she smells like soup.

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A Tale of the Disenchanted


Once upon a time, there was a curly-haired girl named Sparklebumps who grew up loving fairy tales. Needless to say, this was NOT in any way beneficial to her life. In fact, the opposite proved to be true. The phrases “True Love” and  “Happily Ever After” were so imbedded into her brain that she went through her beginning years actually believing these things could really happen.

The wicked stepmother in her stories was replaced in her reality by a scary ogre of a man she called “Dad”, who worked her night and day until her muscles grew and her report card had all A’s. The occassional beating was issued whenever Sparkle actually let her personality come out, because the man she called “Dad” was trying to turn her into a Stepford Wife, and he didn’t know how else to do it. Sparkle also had a ninny of a mother who was good-hearted, but depended on “Dad” to make all her decisions for her.

When Sparkle switched schools in 4th grade, she fell deeply in love at first sight with a boy who was very smart in her class. They spent the next 5 years trying to out-do each other in the classroom, and became decent friends. Sparkle was always to afraid to let the boy know of her feelings for him, and she never told him; which is something she will always regret. The boy grew up to have a very beautiful perfect family with a very tall blonde wife.

(Skipping ahead to the better part) When Sparkle was 18, she escaped from the prison “Dad” had created for her and got her own apartment. The first night there, Sparkle was terrified to realize she didn’t even know how to write a check out or balance her checkbook. A man she mistook for her knight in shining armour helped her figure all this important life stuff out, and she married the guy.

The Mistaken Knight (or so we shall call him) had parents who owned a restaurant where Sparkle got her first job. She worked there for 12 years, each year growing more and more depressed at the thought of working there for even one more day. When her evil mother-in-law gossipped one too many times, Sparkle exploded and basically said, “Fuck this shit.” She went and found her dream job at a little used bookstore the very next day.

(More skipping) After getting divorced and finding her own personal Rockstar, Sparkle settled into her new life, a little bit wiser than she was, and jaded enough to realize that life isn’t a frickin’ Disney movie. She still found joy in the little things, and in going to her bookstore job every day, until her nemesis, the Boss, started being a fuckin’ cocksucker, and tried telling her how to do stuff, EVEN THOUGH he was never there and didn’t have a clue.

The Boss poses as a Christian, so he flaunts his Biblical knowledge and looks down upon Sparkle for living in sin with her Rockstar, but he is really just so angry because his wife is successful and can’t believe she married such a loser. She  cannot stand the thought of The Boss touching her, which results in his coming to work and complaining about his horniness.

This morning, Sparkle was all ready for a brand new day, excited to actually do some work, and bought a buttload of super-fun erotic novels from a customer. Then the wicked Boss came in and bitched her out because he says “this is a family-friendly store”, even though every single smut book we’ve ever had has sold. He then proceeded to raise Sparkle’s blood pressure by bossing her around until she wanted to stab him in the head with the scissors she was using to make a beautiful sign.

Sparklebumps is trying hard to believe there is a “Happily Ever After.”

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Thought #10


If one more FUCKING person wants a bag for ONE little book when they have 5 shopping bags already, they’re gonna get a book up their ass. They won’t need a bag THEN…

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Sugarland Stole My Life


I do not begrudge Sugarland for taking the mess that is my life and making millions off of it. No, in fact, I applaud them for wording it all so nicely and sticking it in songs I want to listen to. I’ll show you.

Song: Already Gone

Lyrics: “They say the first time won’t ever last,that didn’t stop me.”

No it did not. It did not stop me from marrying the first man I ever dated which resulted in the following lyrics.

“We cried together and we split the blame for the things we couldn’t change.”

Accurately describing the sadness of my divorce.

Song: Little Miss

Lyrics: “Little Miss I Give Up, Little Miss I’ll Get Tough, Little Miss One Big Mess”

They know me and all my personalitites so well. More lyrics.

“Little Miss I’ll get less when I always give so much more.”

Sadly, I had to point out to my Rockstar that I don’t relish cooking every night, but I do it because I am a taker-carer type person. It’s exhausting.

“You are loved.”

I like to think that I am loved for being One Big Mess that gives alot. It makes me feel a little bit better.

Song: Sugarland

Lyrics: I was city-bound, couldn’t wait to get outta this town, something told me I just might stay”

My back-up plan for if I ever left my hubby was moving to Vegas. (I guess having a back-up plan should have given me a clue something was wrong, eh?) But then my Rockstar came along…

More Lyrics: “Fallin’ in love again.”

That was not the intention.

Song: Want To

Lyrics: “We could be friends or we could jump in” and “The whole world could change in a minute, just one kiss could stop this spinning.”

Describing the awkward talk in my Rockstar’s truck when he asked me if I wanted to be more than a Fuck Buddy. For the record, there was more than one kiss.

Song: Incredible Machine

Lyrics: “Feels like I’m flying, wings made of light.”

The result of un-medicated bi-polar disorder.

More Lyrics: “A heart that beats- an incredible machine- made of blood and love and hope and lust and steam.”

Just hoping my incredible machine doesn’t break down on me.

Song: Just Might (Make Me Believe)

Lyrics: “I got bills on the table gettin’ higher and higher” and “Day to day tryin’ to make ends meet.”

Fuckin’ bills. Of course, if I stopped buying shoes, I may not have to slave away quite so much…

More Lyrics: “But if you can look in my eyes, and tell me we’ll be alright; if you promise never to leave, you just might make me believe.”

Ok, I can’t take credit for this one, because I think it’s safe to say everybody wants this.

Song: Take Me as I Am

You may notice I listed no lyrics for this one. It should be self- explanatory.

Song: Stand Up

Lyrics: “All the lonely people crying, it could change if we just get started.”

Taking a chance of sounding like Michael Jackson- “If you want to make the world a better place, take a look in the mirror and make the change.” I think you should listen.

Song: It Happens

Lyrics: “Pshh… it happens.”

It does. Frequently.

Song:Tonight

Lyrics: “I know how it feels to breath with you beside me, I think about it always” and “Tonight, tonight, tonight, I’m waiting for tonight.”

Yes, I am waiting, because we have the Daughter tonight so we have to wait until she goes to bed. Incidentally, this happens to be my Rockstar’s favorite Sugarland song too.

Song:All I Want To Do

Lyrics: “All I want to do is love you.”

My Rockstar asked me one time what I want to do with my life. This was my answer. (To be clear, there are other things I wish to do, but this seemed like the thing to say at the time.)

Song: Stuck Like Glue

Lyrics: “Some days I don’t feel like trying, sometimes I wanna just give up, when it doesn’t matter who’s right, fight about it all night.”

Accurately describing my sad attempts at cooking and my Rockstar’s irritating attempts to tell me how to do it.

More Lyrics: “There you go makin’ me feel like a kid” and “I’m never lettin’ this go-o-o”

I believe if you were to ask my Rockstar, my presence has made him feel younger, or “like a kid”, and even though he has to pick on my cooking, I shall never let him go.

Song: Shine the Light

Lyrics: “When I ask ‘ how was your day’ and you answer ‘ not so good’, I will shine the light.”

This happens every day. I am the light, or “sparkle”, of course.

Song: Love

Lyrics: “I say it’s Love.”

This one, you will just have to listen to, but, yes, I say it’s Love, too.

I feel honored that Sugarland felt me worthy of inspiration. XOXO

P.S. Type O Negative also mentions me in their beginning lyrics of Black No.1– “She’s in love with herself; she likes the dark.” I don’t know how they knew that, as I have never met them.

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Thought #9


GAWD! What the hell was Jon Bon Jovi thinking when he wanted to “be my Superman tonight”?! With his irritatingly whiney voice and girly looks, he’s gonna NEED a Superman tonight when I get done with him.

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The Paid Companion


Today shall be the day I confess what I consider to be my biggest fault, and how it almost turned me into a prostitute.

You would think a girl raised in a strict Baptist church and sent to a Baptist school would be appalled at the thought of prostitution. And you would be right. I was that girl, once upon a time. I would not say that my life has been filled with great adventure, but I WOULD say that it’s been filled with enough whatever to completely change the way I look at things.

Long before I married my husband, I promised myself that I would never have sex with someone until I was married. No, I wasn’t a virgin when I got married, in case you were wondering. Now I would tell you that I would never marry someone I HADN’T had sex with. According to the Bible, that’s a sin, but hey, nobody’s perfect. And as far as prostitution goes, my thinking has changed enough from that Baptist girl that I once was, that I in no way judge a person who will perform sexual acts for cash.  I’ve not quite decided on whether it should be legal or not, though I can see the many benefits of making it so. Anyhoo, I’m getting off-track.

I know, you’re all chomping at the bit to find out what my greatest fault is, since it’s so obvious that I have none, right? 😉 Kidding. I believe that any cell phone that takes pictures is the invention of Satan himself. Because, really, who can resist sending nudey pics to horny boys everywhere? I certainly cannot. Yes, you all now know that I am a cell-phone exhibitionist. Perhaps it’s my histrionic personality disorder, or the secret desire I have to pose for Playboy, but ever since I’ve had a picture phone, I have made it a habit of sending nudeys to anyone who requests one. Surprisingly, for not being very photogenic, I’ve taken quite a few nice pics with my phone- maybe because the screen is so small one can’t notice the size of my ass. This in itself is perhaps not a great fault, but the fact that I do this sometimes when I’m in a relationship is. I’m not proud of that fact,  but I have promised to tell the truth in this blog. It may be a surprise to you to find out that this little habit has gotten me in some strange situations.  Moving on.

Once upon a time, I received a text from a random unknown phone number, asking who I was. Being the friendly person I am, I started a text conversation with this person. It turned out this person was a massive, body-building black man who had spent 13 years in prison for shooting a man when he was 17. Yes, I know. I should have been done right then. For the purposes of this blog, we shall call him Darkness, because that’s what I called him. (Taken from a simple-minded series of books by Laurell K. Hamilton I had been reading at the time.) Anyway, the man seemed highly intelligent (from his texts) and I found out it was because he spent his 13 years in prison reading. We sent occassional texts back and forth, and from what he could tell (from my texts) I was a classy lady who knew her shit. To make a long story short, I ended up sending one of my lovely nudey pics to him, which turned his attentions from intelligent conversation to trying to get me to do him.

One thing I must point out here. I have no shame in sharing unclad pictures of myself, but that in no way means I want to screw every guy I send them too. I just like to be appreciated….

After many weeks of dealing with texts from Darkness telling me what he wanted to do to me, (which I ignored) he asked me if I wanted to make some money. This intrigued me, since I was broke at the time (what am I saying, I’m still broke) Darkness informed me that he was the owner of an “escort” business, and thought I could rake in the cash because of my tremendous talent to converse on any subject, as well as my other…assets. I asked him how much his clients paid, just because I was curious, and he said $500 per time and his cut was $350. I pooh-poohed his offer, saying that I would never let a pimp (because that’s really what he was) take that much of my earnings, and anyway, I would charge 3 times that for my services. He said ok, nevermind.

A few days later, he texted me and told me he had a potential client that had been shown one of my pics, and was willing to pay my exhorbitant prices. He said he could set it up for the next day if I was willing, and to let him know.

The idea of making $1500 an hour appealed to me greatly, but the reality that I was in a relationship stopped me. Perhaps it is because I have known so many people that fuck so many people that they’ve just met in bars, or go home with people on a first date, but screwing a stranger for money makes more sense to me than doing it for free. Wouldn’t you say? Anyhoo, I never did become an escort, and I no longer hear from Darkness, but I will always wonder, “Am I really worth $1500?” Because that makes me feel kinda good.

P.S. My cousin says prostitutes have no souls. I think he has no soul for saying so.

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WTF Moment From Yesterday


I didn’t have time to write about my WTF moment from yesterday.

My Rockstar’s daughter had her parent/teacher conference scheduled for yesterday. My Rockstar surprisingly asked me if I wanted to go with him when he went to town. Aright, I can go with. So imagine my surprise when we get to the school and he says, “So, you can just sit in here and listen to tunes.” Apparently, it was quite stupid of me to assume when he invited me to go to town, it was to be included in the educational welfare of his child. WTF. Of course I would rather sit in the car like a leper.

P.S. Combine that with the fact that he stole my mammoth bowl of candy today, and you can see why he’s not my favorite person right now.

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