The Road to Perdition

This post may prove that I will never completely be Hannah Homemaker. I have just come from Hell. No, I do not mean that figuratively, because I honestly don’t see how swimming a lake of fire for all of eternity could be worse than making a trip to the purgatory known as the Grocery Store. It matters not that I made the journey armed with a grocery list and my handy-dandy re-usable bags; no, the demon money-grubbers assaulted me, inconspicuously  seizing my dollars while tricking me into thinking I was getting deals.

One of the things I have discovered while taking care of my Beloveds is that it is fatal to one’s pocketbook to attempt grocery shopping without an afore-made list. This became apparent the first time I ventured to the store to procure sustenence for my Lovelys and cruised through the aisles, tossing in this and that, thinking to myself, “This is only a dollar. That is only a dollar.” When the woman behind the counter rang my items up, to my horror, the total on my bill continued to exceed my expected budget, and she was not yet through scanning. I vowed then and there never again to buy something that wasn’t on the list.

I believe my utter loathing of the grocery store stems from the fact that until I was nearly 29, frequent trips to said destination were unheard of. As I have explained in the past, I and or my hubby worked at a restaurant, so cooking was quite unnecessary. When I got divorced, I had a grand idea that I was going to cook a Thanksgiving dinner in my new apartment for my Rockstar and his Daughter. When I announced this plan, my Rockstar was, shall we say, doubtful. When I patrolled the aisled of Cashwise for an hour in search of the brown-n-serve rolls, ( which I never DID find), I should have thrown in the towel right then. Luckily, I bolted to the parking lot before every customer could see the basket case formerly known as Sparklebumps burst into tears. Beware- unsuccessful quests for dinner rolls may result in tears.

As my trip to Hades progressed today, I was becoming more and more preturbed that different grocery stores have different prices. It is one of my customs that I refuse to pay $1 more for caramel coffee creamer when I know I can get it cheaper somewhere else. Or anything else for that matter. This has resulted in much wasted time, creating TWO shopping lists- the one for Walmart, and the one for whatever grocery store has sales that week. I despise Walmart for being the only place that has Cabot cheese (which you must simply go out and find RIGHT NOW if you’ve never tried it), as my Rockstar’s food supply is not complete without a $9 block of cheese that will clog his arteries. Too, I was irritated to find no torillas that were satisfactorly soft. Now I must go into the shitty stink-assed locally owned grocer to procure some.

What’s that? Why don’t I send my Rockstar, you ask? Yes, of course that would make perfect sense, except I tried that once. It will not happen again. I provided him with an EXACT list of what to get, extra dollars just in case, and a warning- “GET ONLY WHAT’S ON THE LIST.” He returned with only half of the list, 6 bags of chips, no moneys, and an observation- “I think you’re a more thrifty shopper than I am.” Ummm, yeah. I believe he did that on purpose, because he knows if he messes up once I will never ever ask him to do it again. I will do it myself. (Bastard.)

When I am rich and famous, the first thing I am going to buy is a little minion to do my grocery shopping for me.

P.S. It never fails. Every time I get to the front to pay, there is something in THE BACK of the store I remember I forgot to grab.


Filed under Family, Food, Humor, Life, Money, Uncategorized

16 responses to “The Road to Perdition

  1. I hate grocery shopping as well. It seems as if my grocery cart is shrinking and my bill is growing. It’s depressing.

  2. That’s exactly what I would do if I had the money! That and pay someone to cook because I just suck at it. No patience.

  3. I will do your shopping for you … I like it 🙂

  4. I’m the weird guy who enjoys grocery shopping. I’m pretty self-sufficient and basically don’t expect anybody to do any “chores” for me. The lovely Ms. Trask is always more than willing to do her fair share and more – and she does – but I have this odd thing about not offloading my personal responsibilities onto others.

    The only exception is cooking, which I posted about a while ago. Even then I don’t expect people to cook for me. If I don’t have the desire or energy to cook a decent meal for myself, I’ll just grab something totally easy and most likely unhealthy and be done with it.

    • I think your first statement is a jab at my Rockstar. 🙂 He doesn’t expect me to do anything. We kind of have an unspoken deal. I take care of him, he takes care of me. (Yes, that is a sexual innuendo.) He actually does alot of the housework, but he IS very bad at buying groceries. I’m just trying to do it on a budget, which he doesn’t do. He is probably the MOST self-sufficient guy I’ve met in real life.

      • Oops, no jab intended, although as I reread it I can see how it could be interpreted like that. As for him not buying groceries on a budget, of course he doesn’t! Rockstars don’t need no freakin’ budgets!

      • True, but Rockstars posing as Cabinet Makers do, because they don’t need crazy fans trying to rob them. 🙂

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