I Hope You Don’t Dance

After my drunken post about giving a lap dance last night, (Yeah, sorry about that) I have decided that I must come clean.

I am Sparklebumps, and I cannot dance.

Though the desire to dance runs strongly through my veins, I cannot, under any circumstances, compel my feet to move in time with music. On the contrary, any time I have been coerced onto a dance floor, my feet become oddly rooted to the spot where I am standing, and no amount of goading or pushing from onlookers can coerce my body to frolic or covort. This becomes achingly more apparent every time I go to a wedding, where I am dragged out and encouraged to dance. My stoic non-movement has actually caused other dancers to pause in bewilderment, which only adds to my mortification. But I refuse to be one of those people who attempt to dance when they have no business doing so. Resembling an epileptic is not for me.

I believe my lack of talent on the dance floor stems from the fact that I was brought up Baptist, and dancing is considered the elusive 8th deadly sin. Despite the mention of dancing in the Bible (ahem, Baptists), the church and school I went to strictly forbade it. Just thinking of ALL those familys with 7 kids who will grow up to be as dance-deficient as I saddens me…

When observing people dancing, I am utterly fascinated, paying special attention to their feet and the way they move them. I am a firm believer that you can learn something just by watching someone do it. Unfortuneately, I would need to spend every spare moment of the rest of my life watching people dance to acquire this talent.

That is not to say that I lack natural rythm; no, in fact, I have, on occassion, been asked if I used to be a stripper. I do not find this offensive as some would, simply because if I can move my body in a way that looks good naked, it matters not if I don’t look good kicking my feet up to that annoying song Celebration. However, it is safe to say that I shall not be showing off my stripper-esque moves at the next family wedding.

I am quite certain that when Lee Ann Womack sang I Hope You Dance, she wanted to add the lyrics, “Except you, Sparklebumps.”

P.S. Oddly enough, I get a very very high score when dancing to Honkytonk Bedonkedonk on that Wii game…