I Hope You Don’t Dance


After my drunken post about giving a lap dance last night, (Yeah, sorry about that) I have decided that I must come clean.

I am Sparklebumps, and I cannot dance.

Though the desire to dance runs strongly through my veins, I cannot, under any circumstances, compel my feet to move in time with music. On the contrary, any time I have been coerced onto a dance floor, my feet become oddly rooted to the spot where I am standing, and no amount of goading or pushing from onlookers can coerce my body to frolic or covort. This becomes achingly more apparent every time I go to a wedding, where I am dragged out and encouraged to dance. My stoic non-movement has actually caused other dancers to pause in bewilderment, which only adds to my mortification. But I refuse to be one of those people who attempt to dance when they have no business doing so. Resembling an epileptic is not for me.

I believe my lack of talent on the dance floor stems from the fact that I was brought up Baptist, and dancing is considered the elusive 8th deadly sin. Despite the mention of dancing in the Bible (ahem, Baptists), the church and school I went to strictly forbade it. Just thinking of ALL those familys with 7 kids who will grow up to be as dance-deficient as I saddens me…

When observing people dancing, I am utterly fascinated, paying special attention to their feet and the way they move them. I am a firm believer that you can learn something just by watching someone do it. Unfortuneately, I would need to spend every spare moment of the rest of my life watching people dance to acquire this talent.

That is not to say that I lack natural rythm; no, in fact, I have, on occassion, been asked if I used to be a stripper. I do not find this offensive as some would, simply because if I can move my body in a way that looks good naked, it matters not if I don’t look good kicking my feet up to that annoying song Celebration. However, it is safe to say that I shall not be showing off my stripper-esque moves at the next family wedding.

I am quite certain that when Lee Ann Womack sang I Hope You Dance, she wanted to add the lyrics, “Except you, Sparklebumps.”

P.S. Oddly enough, I get a very very high score when dancing to Honkytonk Bedonkedonk on that Wii game…

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23 Comments

Filed under Entertainment, Humor, Life, Uncategorized

23 responses to “I Hope You Don’t Dance

  1. Sparkle, if you ever make it to Florida, I’ll teach you to salsa dance. It is so much fun and you’ll be dancing in no time!

  2. Ok so that fucking explains the tent I just pitched in front of 1500 people…

    On another note, I dance like a bag of hammers, so don’t feel bad.

  3. Dancing is for me like breathing is for other people. You can live without, but life would be way more boring.
    Don’t mind that you’re no dancing talent. Sparkling is your talent.

  4. You can’t be good at everything.

  5. My shift partner and I had a fantasic laugh reading this one!

  6. I used to be a c*******der but since then, my dancing had taken a crash and is never going to recover 😦

  7. Don’t worry Sparkle, I’ll bring my Latin dance hotness to you and in a single weekend I’ll whip you into shape.

    Ooohhh….I said “whip you.” Somewhere where Brainrants just got a boner but doesn’t know why….

  8. savorthefolly

    I actually can’t dance worth a shit either. I can, however, write comments on posts like: *dancing*

    but actually dancing….?

    I don’t think any of you would want to witness that carnage…

    I like to think that the kind of dancing involved in being naked and turned on in the company of a similarly naked and turned on man….that yes….I dance that way quite well….

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