A Wishlist for Santa

Dear Santa,

I know it’s only the beginning of November, but I figured I had better get my letter to you early so you can get a head start.

I realize there is not much that you can do as far as prescription pills since you aren’t a doctor, so please I would like it if you could just supply me with a year’s worth of brandy, vodka, whiskey, etc. to help me cope with being me. Peach-flavored it preferred.

I would ask for the 2.6 million dollar Victoria’s Secret Fantasy bra, but I’m assuming it’s about 4 cup sizes too small, so anything that you can find in the store that’s a DDD would be great. Also, their smelly lotions are fabulous, but please none that smell of vanilla.

A 1967 Shelby Mustang GT 500 is at the top of my list, but I’ve been asking for that for several years and you seem to keep overlooking it. I realize this is probably just an oversight, so I will ask for it once again. I would like a black one with white racing stripes, since a purple one would NOT be the original color, and I prefer to keep it in it’s original condition.

You know that I am not picky on shoes, so any fabulous, brightly-colored or animal-print, 5inch+ heels would be greatly appreciated. While we are on the subject, a closet big enough to hold them all would be quite beneficial.

I would appreciate a beating for my Rockstar, since he has not yet found it necessary to answer my non-proposal. Please be sure not to leave any marks on him, because I would not want to be accused of abuse, and bruising would marr his perfectly-freckled face.

I would like one or two or five babies, preferably of assorted ethnicity. (because I hate to knock my own race, but white people be having some UGLY babies!) I would like it if they are mostly boys, because girls are just a pain in the ass. Also, a million or so dollars would be great with which to care for them.

Books. This is, I suppose, not really a necessity, since it has become tradition for my brother to gift me with an $85 gift card for Half-Priced Books, but if you have any spare room in your sleigh, you know what to do.

I was going to ask for french fries, but chances are they would be soggy before you get them to me, so I will just ask for an industial-sized fryer, and also one of those big freezers, so I can keep all the bags of Mcdonald’s french fries you will bring me frozen.

I suppose that is all for this year, because I know it will cost you a bundle to keep me satisfied. Remember to thank Mrs. Clause for keeping you fat, because I don’t plan on baking you any cookies this year.

Love, Sparklebumps

P.S. I forgot one thing. I’ve been asking my Rockstar for a stripper pole for the last few years, but he pretends he doesn’t hear me. If you can find the time, they are only $99 at Spencer Gifts.

P.P.S. If you can get Chris Meloni for me, I would squish my boobies against you for 30 seconds. Maybe 45.

Determination of Ineligibility

You all should know by now that The Price of Fame is… Termination. Being the vindictive little bitch that I am, I decided that I would try to get unemployment since I so meaninglessly got fired. I did not fully expect to get said moneys, since I suppose it WAS partially my own fault that I got fired. But I am slightly baffled by the “reasonings and findings” that the state of Minnesota has found to not issue me dollars. Here is the letter I received from them:

Under Minnesota Statute, and applicant is not eligible for unemployment benefits if the applicant is discharged for employment conduct. The law defines employment misconduct as intentional or negligent conduct that is a serious violation of standards of behavior the employer has the right to reasonably expect. A single incident with no significant negative effect on the employment is not employment misconduct. The employer discharged the applicant because of employment misconduct. The applicant’s conduct was intentional or negligent, and was a serious violation of the standards of behavior that the employer has the right to expect.

The applicant was discharged because she maintained a public blog site that contained critical commentary about her employer and the employer’s customers.

Well, la dee da. I understand that I am ineligible. What I don’t understand is that they specifically verify that ” a single incident with no significant negative effect is not employment misconduct”. They are virtually pointing out that I did nothing wrong. As I stated when filling out my papers, I NEVER was warned that I was misconducting myself in any way, which to me means: Yo! It was a first offense. As for significant negative effect- I am sure the remaining suck-ass manager is causing much more negative effect than I EVER could. When I had customers coming in and I quote, “wouldn’t buy books when that weird guy is here.”, I would consider that a negative effect, wouldn’t you?

As far as intentional conduct, it was not the intent of my blog to scare customers away. I would like to point out that my blog continues to live, whether I have a job at that bookstore or not. This proves that I am neither intentionally or negligently dealing with customers.

A serious violation of standards? So it’s quite aright for a manager to inform me that he redesigned his closet doors with mirrors so he could get a nice view of he and his wife having sex? It’s totally fine for a person of power to tell me he is “concerned for me” because he believes my sexual preferences lean toward women? It is in the store’s best interest to keep on the payroll a man who has had sexual misconduct claims made against him in the past? What the fuck was I thinking? Of course my nameless rants against customers are worse. They absolutely were correct in firing me. I have nothing more to say.

 

 

If You Pay Me, I Will Be Professional

So, a few of my fellow bloggery people have posted rants about the spam they have accrued on this website. This is another one of those posts.

I realize that spam is garbage and that it shouldn’t matter what it has to say, but I can, at times, be excessively-emotional. THIS-“reat article and straight to the point. I am not sure if this is in fact a good option to ask but do you folks have any thoughts on you’ll be able to hire some professional writers? Thanks” fuckin’ pissed me right off.

I refuse to post the web address that this came from, because whatever assbucket sent it does NOT deserve any traffic that I would provide. How DARE this fucktard who cannot even spell “read” ask me to hire a professional writer for my blog!!!!!! This blog is for MY writing pleasure, and for your reading pleasure, and if I wish to spell things wrong, or write in an unprofessional manner, I am allowed to do so, and no cocksucker spammer can stop me! On that note, I admit that I am not the most seasoned writer on this block, but my writing skills are far superior to some horrendously well-known authors (ahem, Stephanie Meyer), which only proves that a ridiculously large paycheck is what makes a professional writer a pro.

To you who sent me this anger-inducing spam, I assure you, this is NOT, in fact, (see there my professional use of commas) a good option to ask a raging histrionic to hire someone else to type the thoughts that are in her head, and you had better be thanking your lucky stars that I am not a spy, because if I was, you would be hunted down and given a righteous beating. (Ooh! I could be a spy! I never thought of that one!) No, I do not entertain any thoughts of hiring some professional writers, so it would probably be in your best interest NEVER to spam me again, since my writing skills are so abhorrently disgusting to you. The only sign that you have a few brain cells left was your comment that I was “Straight to the point.” Let me get straight to the point once more- You can suck my non-existant dick and kiss my sparkly ass, fucker.