Exquisite Pain


For my post title, I was going to steal the title from a Sex and the City episode, but that would border on plagiarism, so I put the English version of it. šŸ™‚ Tricky me. No this post is NOT about S&M, and how I liked to get spanked,(god, you have no idea!) but about the fact that I have a new pair of “tallest shoes”, and how I am sure to be a cripple by the time I’m 50.

I suppose my first pair of heels were the chunky Mary Janes my fashionable friends convinced me to buy when I was 16. They were so beautiful; little flowers were embroidered along the toe and down the heel, and I wore them until they broke. (Sad day.)Ā  I have not stopped buying heels since. The height of my addiction was when I kept paying off my Victoria’s Secret card, and they conveniently kept raising my credit limit, and happened to mail me a new shoe catalogue at least twice a week. (Bastards!) $2800 later, my good credit score is replaced with 13 pairs of fabulous shoes that I, in no way, can use as collateral in buying a house. Victoria took away my credit card, but I have figured out other ways to feed my obsession.

I get the most notice of my shoes at church, and no Sunday is complete without a white-haired elderly person exclaiming, “Oh! Look at your shoes! How can you walk in those! My feet would be killing me!” I assure them that my feet do not suffer (much) because I take my shoes off while I’m at the piano, and only extensive hours in said shoes cause discomfort.

On the way to visit my brother, I accidentally (on purpose) stopped at a store to look for a new pair of heels. After all, it’s been over a month since I’ve bought a pair… Anyhoo, I walked in and my eyes were immediately drawn to a pair of 6″ leopard-print booties with patent leather heels (Hallelujah! I have seen the light!) I rushed to them and tried them on, admiring them as I sauntered back and forth in front of the store’s little shoe mirrors. I looked at the price tag- $22.98?! What madness is this?! A breathtaking pair of shoes for under $30?!Ā  I restrained myself from buying 3 other pairs of shoes, (becuase I don’t need my Rockstar’s Daughter saying again, “You bought ANOTHER pair of shoes? I don’t think Dad wants that many shoes in his closet.”) And I glided out to my car with my purchase and proceeded to decorate my feet with my new shoes. I then was off to my brother’s.

During the day, my brother and I ventured to a few stores, and ended up at my fave, Half-Priced Books. At each stop we made, I looked down at my new shoes and thought, “They are so PRETTY! I can’t stop looking at them!” and the Click click click of my stillettos as I walked through stores sent a chill straight to my nether-regions. Now I will tell you a secret.

What no one will mention about high heels is that they are really meant for fashion shoot photos only. As in, minimal walking required. Because after 2 or 3 hours of standing, walking, or running in heels, a person’s back begins to bunch up, their legs begin to spasm, and their feet (if feet had voices) begin to scream, “You bitch!!! Your killing me!” I am convinced every woman that’s worn heels for an entire day would concur. Back to my story.

As I was click click clicking my way through the bookstore, I noticed that my feet were beginning to ache. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, trying to alleviate the pain, but to no avail. At one point, I even sat on the floor of the store, using the excuse that I was looking at the Larry McMurtry books on the bottom shelve.( It’s true) As we left, my brother walked ahead of me to the car as I stumbled along in my 6″ torture devices, trying desperately to keep up the appearance that my shoes were fucking fabulous. When we arrived back at his house, I let out a huge sigh of relief when I unzipped my new booties and flung them away from me.

Yes, how silly of me to keep buying shoes that after a few hours of wearing feel as though I’m walking on sharpened bowie knives. However, as any masochist, I am addicted to the equisite pain of showing off gorgeous shoes, and when I am forced to cruise around in a scooter because of the extensive damage my heel wearage has caused to my body, I will continue to make a fashion statement.

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20 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Books, Fashion, Humor, Life, Uncategorized

20 responses to “Exquisite Pain

  1. I’m considering having my toes removed in order to wear the shoes my boyfriend gave me for my birthday. They’re beautiful, they sparkle and they make me scream in agony after having them on my feet for 10 minutes. This has not stopped me from wearing them…

  2. Uhm, no idea how to respond to the whole ‘exquisite pain’ thing. I usually encounter that in the gym just before I have to shout for a spotter to save my life.

    For a great and comfortable break, try some combat boots… seriously, they have some height aspect but are designed to walk until you die without hurting your SparkleFeet. I even do yardwork in them.

  3. The best looking shoes are the ones that hurt. (Life’s a bitch!) But at least you wear beautiful shoes then. You can always wear comfortable shoes when you’re 80 or so.

  4. Ha, you should feel how it feels to massage someone who wears heels! You can tell they aren’t meant to be worn and they will have a lot of knee pain and the lower back will be tighter. I love cute shoes though, yet they don’t love me very much… I can only handle new shoes for like 5 minutes and then I’m limping.

  5. A killer pair of heels also come in handy for when you are being spanked. Not that I have tried that or anything.

  6. It’s so hard. I have really bad feet so in like, 15 minutes after wearing heels I can barely walk and make everyone’s life miserable until someone starts carrying me or I can take them off. Yet I still buy them. I can’t stop.

  7. At least you’re committed to your passion!

  8. HEELS HEELS HEELS!!!! Always heels. šŸ˜‰

  9. Gillian Colbert

    No woman is complete without fabulous shoes. What I do so that I can still walk when I’m 60 is I put orthotic insoles inside my heels. The local store in my area is called Comfort One, but if you find a store specializing in comfortable shoes, they’ll analyze your feet for free and you can get an insole made for stillettos!

    Works for me … my 5″ stacked boots are a must, but I can only walk in them about an hour without the insole.

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