Daily Archives: November 22, 2011

The Definition of Me


So, I always check out the blogs of my new followers, and today it happened to be conchsaladesque. One of her posts today she got from looking her name up on the Urban Dictionary. I must admit, Urban Dictionary is one of my fave websites, and I really couldn’t live without it. And so, to steal an idea from one of my new followers, I looked up my name in the Urban Dictionary; it seems they agree with my general awesomeness:

Def.1 Dangerously attractive and intelligent. A real femefatale and master of seducing men. All men want her and all men get eaten by her.

Def.2 An amazing,smart,sexy,intelligent,gorgeous girl. Beautiful face; often referred to as “goddess”,”master” or “my queen”

Def.3 She likes muffins.  (I am assuming this means in the slang tense of “muffins”. Since Urban Dictionary is not exactly wholesome)

Def.4 the coolest girl ever, some one that’s not like the rest, a great friend, some one I’m glad i met. Some one that would sit and play Zelda with, some one that makes me smile when i see her the moment I walk into the room. she may not be my girl friend but she’s a hell of a lot better than you

Def.7 A very beautiful woman that is sexy at all times and knows just how to get you horny quick. And knows how to talk dirty to you. (I DO know how to get you horny quick 😉 )

Def.8 One who regularly goes to parties in space with David Bowie. Sometimes known to offer him her jumper. Can also be found on a floaty in the middle of the lake. (I, as of now, have never gone to a space party with Dave; however, I would totally be up for it)

Def. 9 the coolest person on the earth, mostly female, they love to text,shop,and they are amazing kissers, and super sexy (I AM mostly female)

Def.11 DAMN sexy, basically has a sexalishious body. Besides having a rocking bod she is also super smart. Great friend and lover. Guys want her and girls want to be her.

Def.12 Someone very hot (cute as hell) and funny as hell

Def.13 She’s a biker chick and a sultry girlie girl. She rocks her own Harley and turns heads in a minidress. She’s got just enough ink to let you know she’s a firecracker! Amazing breasts and a body that will make all your exgirlfriends jealous. Everyone is drawn to her and all will have a great time in Her presence. Shes a sparkler and you’ll see why if you get the chance to hang with her. Her main man will be a sexy bad boy who knows what his lady wants. She will make him feel like a million bucks, and he will love having her next to him watching all of the heads turn when they go by. Her motto for life is “Making bitches jealous.”

This one is a little bit off, since I have already mentioned that I’m not QUITE a biker chic. But you see they mention that I am “a sparkler”? It means they really DO know me. Sadly, no one has put in a definition of Sparklebumps yet.

10 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Uncategorized

Diagnosis: Psychopath


I have often thought that if I were to go to college, I would be most interested in going for a psychology degree. Getting into people’s heads is highly entertaining to me, and my own unbalanced mind would allow me to relate well to my clients, I think. Anyhoo, one afternoon quite awhile ago, while I was getting my daily dose of top-notch Wikipedia education, I was disturbed to realize that I exhibit most of the traits associated with psychopathy. Let me show you:

(These are taken from the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, which is a diagnostic tool used to rate a person’s psychopathic or antisocial tendencies.)

The twenty traits assessed by the PCL-R score are:

  •         glib and superficial charm: I assure you that whatever charm I emit is not of my own volition; however, when I’m in one of my happy moods, I am not against sucking up to people and telling them how great they are. Mostly this is because I like to make people feel good about themselves.
  •         grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self : I do not think my self-esteem is exaggerated. I really am quite amazing. (Of course, my excess boobage helps with that a bit. ) And I am sure if you were to ask them, my multiple stalker-type creepies would agree with me.
  •         need for stimulation :  See? There’s a reason I get distracted by bright colors and shiny things.  And of course I will take any other sensual stimulation that is offered…
  •         pathological lying : Christopher Meloni was once madly in love with me, and it broke his heart when I told him I just couldn’t be with him because I found my Rockstar. He pines for me incessently, and the director of SVU has told him if he doesn’t stop masturbating to my memory when he’s supposed to be filming, there will be consequences.
  •         cunning and manipulativeness : Yes, I will rub up against you if you give me what I want. What girl wouldn’t?
  •         lack of remorse or guilt: No, I don’t feel bad about rubbing up against you.
  •         superficial emotional responsiveness : THANK YOU family of five who left me no tip after mashing pepperoni and pineapple into the carpet! I hope you found your visit to be pleasant and I look forward to serving you again!
  •         callousness and lack of empathy : This is the only trait that I am not completely sure I possess. Yes, I will tell someone if they ask that they are ugly, but I usually feel bad about it later.
  •         parasitic lifestyle : You’ll have to ask my Rockstar about this one. I find “parasitic”  to be a bit harsh
  •         poor behavioral controls: I blame those on my bi-polarism. In my defense, I haven’t given anybody a severe pounding for several years.
  •         sexual promiscuity : I plead the fifth.
  •         early behavior problems : Trust me, my father assured that I received appropriate corporal punishment for these infractions.
  •         lack of realistic long-term goals: of course I will be able to buy a castle by working as a Pizza Slut. Pshh, you all have no faith.
  •         impulsivity : the proof of this is in my closet and on my feet.
  •         irresponsibility: I pay my bills. If there’s any money left over after I buy shoes.
  •         failure to accept responsibility for own actions: I always heard it was best to shift the blame.
  •         many short-term marital relationships : I only have one so far, but I’m still relatively young.
  •         juvenile delinquency: I once egged someone’s house.
  •         revocation of conditional release: I am quite certain that if I was ever caught and imprisoned, they would think twice before letting me out.
  •         criminal versatility : my multiple personalities make it possible for me to excel in a diversity of criminal offenses.

 

So, there you have it. I should officially be committed. Luckily, you will never know how many people I’ve killed, because you will believe the lies I tell you when I’m flirting with you. 😉

15 Comments

Filed under Humor, Life, Uncategorized, Work

Driving Minnesota


I have come to believe in my 14 years of driving, that I should be the only Minnesota driver on the road. This is why:

Last Saturday. it decided to snow. One of the joys of living in Minnesota is listening to the dumbshit weather people, and then laughing uncontrollably when they get it wrong. Every day. As I have never lived in another state, I do not know if ALL weather people went to Idiot School, but I am most assured that all the  Minnesotan ones did.

Anyhoo, the forecast for our first wintry storm was 1-2 inches. Then it changed to 3-4.  From what I could tell, it was at least 7. Now, I am not a great measurer of things, but I DO know what 7 inches looks like, (after all, that’s average )  After my Rockstar cleaned off my car for me, (because he refuses to tell me he loves me) I was off to work.

Now, I know several people who live in Minnesota that have not originated here, and I ask them all the same question. Why the fuck would you move HERE?! I admit, our ten thousand lakes (mudholes and swamps) may attract fisherman types, however, the long stretches of marshy swamplands along our highways would convince me this is a place NOT to move to, if I were a visitor. Anyway, my point is, most of the drivers on the road should be used to a bit of snow. This seems not to be the case.

There is a very strange thing that happens to Minnesota drivers when it snows. The people who normally are zipping along at excessive speeds instead are creeping along at 25-30 mph. I realize it is safest to slow down a bit because of icy roads, but when the plow has just blown by (while pelting my car with a wave of grey slush) there is no reason not to go at least 55. What never fails is that on a 4 lane highway, I will be stuck behind one of these fucktards; meanwhile, the plow that is scraping an almost clear road is blocking the other lane.  The result is a line of cars, bumper to bumper, two miles long, all because Joe Asshat forgot how to drive in the snow.

What is especially amusing is the number of cars one will see along a highway during the first snowfall of the year. How cruel of me to laugh at other people’s expense, you say? I have earned the right to laugh at these fools; having put my own car in the ditch 5 or 7 times. Every single one of those times was because I was going too fast and not paying attention on gravel roads. I am happy to say that it’s been at least 7 years since I’ve spent time in a ditch.

Getting to town is especially excruciating. I am convinced that St. Cloud’s stoplight system is run by evil leprachauns that use it for their own amusement. How else can you explain a green left turn light that only lets two cars through? If you are unlucky enough to be the third car, you will have the pleasure of sitting at that stoplight for at least 10 minutes before it is your turn again. The red lights for straightaways are also the longest I’ve experienced in my travels. So add to this the fuckerheads who aren’t paying attention and don’t know how to drive in the snow, and you will understand why I am so distraught that my car horn no longer works.

My Rockstar thinks I am a…. less than stellar driver. To him I say, “I’ve never been in an accident; when I text while driving I don’t swerve; when the light is green, I step on it (which makes the person in the other lane think I’m trying to drag race), when I cut people off, I’m going fast enough that they don’t even realize I was there, and when it snows, I make enough room for the idiots going 70 to pass me if they want.” I am considerate of other drivers, which I am convinced no one else is. Plus I know how to drive a stick shift. Both kinds. (Heehee)

 

9 Comments

Filed under Humor, Life, Uncategorized