Diagnosis: Psychopath

I have often thought that if I were to go to college, I would be most interested in going for a psychology degree. Getting into people’s heads is highly entertaining to me, and my own unbalanced mind would allow me to relate well to my clients, I think. Anyhoo, one afternoon quite awhile ago, while I was getting my daily dose of top-notch Wikipedia education, I was disturbed to realize that I exhibit most of the traits associated with psychopathy. Let me show you:

(These are taken from the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, which is a diagnostic tool used to rate a person’s psychopathic or antisocial tendencies.)

The twenty traits assessed by the PCL-R score are:

•         glib and superficial charm: I assure you that whatever charm I emit is not of my own volition; however, when I’m in one of my happy moods, I am not against sucking up to people and telling them how great they are. Mostly this is because I like to make people feel good about themselves.
•         grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self : I do not think my self-esteem is exaggerated. I really am quite amazing. (Of course, my excess boobage helps with that a bit. ) And I am sure if you were to ask them, my multiple stalker-type creepies would agree with me.
•         need for stimulation :  See? There’s a reason I get distracted by bright colors and shiny things.  And of course I will take any other sensual stimulation that is offered…
•         pathological lying : Christopher Meloni was once madly in love with me, and it broke his heart when I told him I just couldn’t be with him because I found my Rockstar. He pines for me incessently, and the director of SVU has told him if he doesn’t stop masturbating to my memory when he’s supposed to be filming, there will be consequences.
•         cunning and manipulativeness : Yes, I will rub up against you if you give me what I want. What girl wouldn’t?
•         lack of remorse or guilt: No, I don’t feel bad about rubbing up against you.
•         superficial emotional responsiveness : THANK YOU family of five who left me no tip after mashing pepperoni and pineapple into the carpet! I hope you found your visit to be pleasant and I look forward to serving you again!
•         callousness and lack of empathy : This is the only trait that I am not completely sure I possess. Yes, I will tell someone if they ask that they are ugly, but I usually feel bad about it later.
•         parasitic lifestyle : You’ll have to ask my Rockstar about this one. I find “parasitic”  to be a bit harsh
•         poor behavioral controls: I blame those on my bi-polarism. In my defense, I haven’t given anybody a severe pounding for several years.
•         sexual promiscuity : I plead the fifth.
•         early behavior problems : Trust me, my father assured that I received appropriate corporal punishment for these infractions.
•         lack of realistic long-term goals: of course I will be able to buy a castle by working as a Pizza Slut. Pshh, you all have no faith.
•         impulsivity : the proof of this is in my closet and on my feet.
•         irresponsibility: I pay my bills. If there’s any money left over after I buy shoes.
•         failure to accept responsibility for own actions: I always heard it was best to shift the blame.
•         many short-term marital relationships : I only have one so far, but I’m still relatively young.
•         juvenile delinquency: I once egged someone’s house.
•         revocation of conditional release: I am quite certain that if I was ever caught and imprisoned, they would think twice before letting me out.
•         criminal versatility : my multiple personalities make it possible for me to excel in a diversity of criminal offenses.

 

So, there you have it. I should officially be committed. Luckily, you will never know how many people I’ve killed, because you will believe the lies I tell you when I’m flirting with you. 😉