Driving Minnesota

I have come to believe in my 14 years of driving, that I should be the only Minnesota driver on the road. This is why:

Last Saturday. it decided to snow. One of the joys of living in Minnesota is listening to the dumbshit weather people, and then laughing uncontrollably when they get it wrong. Every day. As I have never lived in another state, I do not know if ALL weather people went to Idiot School, but I am most assured that all the  Minnesotan ones did.

Anyhoo, the forecast for our first wintry storm was 1-2 inches. Then it changed to 3-4.  From what I could tell, it was at least 7. Now, I am not a great measurer of things, but I DO know what 7 inches looks like, (after all, that’s average )  After my Rockstar cleaned off my car for me, (because he refuses to tell me he loves me) I was off to work.

Now, I know several people who live in Minnesota that have not originated here, and I ask them all the same question. Why the fuck would you move HERE?! I admit, our ten thousand lakes (mudholes and swamps) may attract fisherman types, however, the long stretches of marshy swamplands along our highways would convince me this is a place NOT to move to, if I were a visitor. Anyway, my point is, most of the drivers on the road should be used to a bit of snow. This seems not to be the case.

There is a very strange thing that happens to Minnesota drivers when it snows. The people who normally are zipping along at excessive speeds instead are creeping along at 25-30 mph. I realize it is safest to slow down a bit because of icy roads, but when the plow has just blown by (while pelting my car with a wave of grey slush) there is no reason not to go at least 55. What never fails is that on a 4 lane highway, I will be stuck behind one of these fucktards; meanwhile, the plow that is scraping an almost clear road is blocking the other lane.  The result is a line of cars, bumper to bumper, two miles long, all because Joe Asshat forgot how to drive in the snow.

What is especially amusing is the number of cars one will see along a highway during the first snowfall of the year. How cruel of me to laugh at other people’s expense, you say? I have earned the right to laugh at these fools; having put my own car in the ditch 5 or 7 times. Every single one of those times was because I was going too fast and not paying attention on gravel roads. I am happy to say that it’s been at least 7 years since I’ve spent time in a ditch.

Getting to town is especially excruciating. I am convinced that St. Cloud’s stoplight system is run by evil leprachauns that use it for their own amusement. How else can you explain a green left turn light that only lets two cars through? If you are unlucky enough to be the third car, you will have the pleasure of sitting at that stoplight for at least 10 minutes before it is your turn again. The red lights for straightaways are also the longest I’ve experienced in my travels. So add to this the fuckerheads who aren’t paying attention and don’t know how to drive in the snow, and you will understand why I am so distraught that my car horn no longer works.

My Rockstar thinks I am a…. less than stellar driver. To him I say, “I’ve never been in an accident; when I text while driving I don’t swerve; when the light is green, I step on it (which makes the person in the other lane think I’m trying to drag race), when I cut people off, I’m going fast enough that they don’t even realize I was there, and when it snows, I make enough room for the idiots going 70 to pass me if they want.” I am considerate of other drivers, which I am convinced no one else is. Plus I know how to drive a stick shift. Both kinds. (Heehee)



Filed under Humor, Life, Uncategorized

9 responses to “Driving Minnesota

  1. I absolutely hate snow and how people react to it/drive in the white stuff. I’ve been backed up for miles trying to drive and have the same situation you described being behind grandma the driver and not being about to go faster than 20 mph. It is just so ridiculous!

  2. I shall let Lothorio know. 😉

  3. The lights by Walgreens in Waite Park near Applebees ARE THE FREAKING WORST. God damn, whomever planned this town needs to be strung up by the stop lights and hit with a stick on every green light. Hmph.

    I am however, one of those people who drive 25-30 mph on account of Lothorio (my car) is as old as Shakespeare and will no doubt fall apart in the near future. But this is in town.

    Highways are bit different. Not as scary. 😉

    • Yes, unfortuneately, that is the stop light in front of my work, so I have learned to go the back way.
      And for the record, if I ever see you on the road, I will not be bitter. It’s all the fuckwits that don’t think I’m awesome that I detest. 😉

  4. Snow in November makes me laugh.

  5. DiatribesAndOvations.com

    Great post! Don’t you sometimes just want to make a citizen’s arrest? http://wp.me/p1se8R-1ya

    In Nashville, it doesn’t even have to snow for chaos to ensue. A forecast two days out will close schools and get the salt truck(s) a-scrambling. I’m not kidding … the supermarkets sell out of toilet paper and milk when there’s snow in the forcast. We joke that the Doppler people are in cahoots with Kroger and Publix.

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