An Acceptable Amount of Boom Boom

I would like to pose a question to those who are lucky enough to have found my blog. What is the acceptable amount of sexual activity an individual may engage in daily without people raising their eyebrows and questioning that person’s mental health?

I have heard the saying, “Men think about sex every six seconds.” So what is to be said of the WOMAN who thinks of sex every six seconds? (That would be me, if you all haven’t already figured that out.) And yes, I realize that men are barbaric creatures who are led by their penises, (Sorry, men. From what I’ve experienced, it’s true.) but when my Rockstar seems to think I have a problem because I want to jump his bones at regular intervals, it makes me wonder…

I believe the word “nymphomaniac” is thrown around quite loosely.

The World Dictionary’s definition of a nymphomaniac is as follows: a neurotic condition in women in which the symptoms are a compulsion to have sexual intercourse with as many men as possible and an inability to have lasting relationships with them. I am proud to say that I am not one of the women who suffer from this neurotic condition, although I very easily could slip into these behaviors if I was un-attatched.

Perhaps it is the fact that I went through a dry spell of 9 months during the last year of my marriage that made me the nooky-starved woman that I am today. Or perhaps it is just that the wondrous sex I have with my Rockstar (he would be so happy to see me mentioning it in such a light) is just too good to pass up when there is time in which to do It. I tend to lean toward the latter.

From what I’ve heard, the naked fun time seems to dwindle in a relationship once the relationship has aged a bit. That was certainly true of my marriage. However, I intend that to NOT be happening in my current relationship. Ever. I realize that sex is not the main thing any  coupling should be built on, but to quote Marilyn Monroe- “You wouldn’t marry a girl just because she’s pretty, but, my goodness! Doesn’t it help?”

So, yes, I will cease my babbling now, as I realize this is not the moment of my finest writing, but all I have to say is, I will never turn down sex because “I have a headache.”

P.S. I don’t understand how my Rockstar can go for 4 days without it, but then turn around and ravage me three times in one day….

Letter to Determined Bill Collectors

Dear Bill Collectors,

I have decided to compose this letter because you are all so unrelenting in your quest to extract dollars from me. It is my hope that after you read this, you will realize that these attempts are in vain, and perhaps you will find something more productive to do with your day that does NOT include blowing up my phone.

To Weeble, Beeble, Feeble, and Getz- I’m sorry that my canceled credit card company has seen it fit bring lawyers between us. I admit that I’ve been remiss in my payments, but I have every intention of paying my bill. Unfortuneately, since the small amount of $237.34 I owed has now quadrupled because of your services, I regret to inform you that it will take me four times as long to pay it off. You quadruple, I quadruple. Those are the rules.

To the World Wide Financial Network (otherwise known as Victoria’s Secret)- I am pleased to announce that YOU, my dear company, shall be the first to receive any funds that I procure, solely because I wish to receive my card back to earn Angel points once again. In my defense, I was quite faithful in my payments to you; it is NOT my fault that you carelessly kept raising my credit limit. Shame on you. You could have looked at my money intake and known better. I find this reprehensible; I will compare it to lining up an endless line of beautiful boners in front of a nymphomaniac. Of course she’s going to use them.

To that other place who shall remain nameless- No, I will NOT answer your incessent phone calls. I have figured you out, you AssHats. Calling from 7 different 800 numbers is not stealthy. I see how you attempt to deceive me. I must tell you- it’s still an 800 number. My gramma, momma, and friends do not have 800 numbers, so there is really no reason to answer any phone calls that carry this trait. And if I happen to be in an agreeable mood, you had best believe if I actually DO answer, and do not immediately hear a person’s voice, (instead am forced to wait until an actual caller gets on the line) I will be in an amiable mood no more, and absolutely will not be setting up payments with your stupid asses.

A little secret I will let all bill collectors in on- when a tardy client DOES finally agree to set up payments with you, it does not work in your favor to state, “We can do a payment plan, but $_____ (insert dollar amount) is the least we can go on a payment. DO YOU WANT MONEY OR NOT? If I am willing to try to give you what little moneys I have, you had better be happy if I want to pay $5, or $2, or $1.87 every month. If you try and pull this bullshit on me, I will immediately hang up on you because that is just disrespectful.

To all Bill Collectors- I have every intention of paying what I owe, it just may take a little bit longer than you would like. Like 5-7 years. I’ll call YOU.

Unwillingly Yours, Sparklebumps