I have decided to compose this letter because you are all so unrelenting in your quest to extract dollars from me. It is my hope that after you read this, you will realize that these attempts are in vain, and perhaps you will find something more productive to do with your day that does NOT include blowing up my phone.
To Weeble, Beeble, Feeble, and Getz- I’m sorry that my canceled credit card company has seen it fit bring lawyers between us. I admit that I’ve been remiss in my payments, but I have every intention of paying my bill. Unfortuneately, since the small amount of $237.34 I owed has now quadrupled because of your services, I regret to inform you that it will take me four times as long to pay it off. You quadruple, I quadruple. Those are the rules.
To the World Wide Financial Network (otherwise known as Victoria’s Secret)- I am pleased to announce that YOU, my dear company, shall be the first to receive any funds that I procure, solely because I wish to receive my card back to earn Angel points once again. In my defense, I was quite faithful in my payments to you; it is NOT my fault that you carelessly kept raising my credit limit. Shame on you. You could have looked at my money intake and known better. I find this reprehensible; I will compare it to lining up an endless line of beautiful boners in front of a nymphomaniac. Of course she’s going to use them.
To that other place who shall remain nameless- No, I will NOT answer your incessent phone calls. I have figured you out, you AssHats. Calling from 7 different 800 numbers is not stealthy. I see how you attempt to deceive me. I must tell you- it’s still an 800 number. My gramma, momma, and friends do not have 800 numbers, so there is really no reason to answer any phone calls that carry this trait. And if I happen to be in an agreeable mood, you had best believe if I actually DO answer, and do not immediately hear a person’s voice, (instead am forced to wait until an actual caller gets on the line) I will be in an amiable mood no more, and absolutely will not be setting up payments with your stupid asses.
A little secret I will let all bill collectors in on- when a tardy client DOES finally agree to set up payments with you, it does not work in your favor to state, “We can do a payment plan, but $_____ (insert dollar amount) is the least we can go on a payment. DO YOU WANT MONEY OR NOT? If I am willing to try to give you what little moneys I have, you had better be happy if I want to pay $5, or $2, or $1.87 every month. If you try and pull this bullshit on me, I will immediately hang up on you because that is just disrespectful.
To all Bill Collectors- I have every intention of paying what I owe, it just may take a little bit longer than you would like. Like 5-7 years. I’ll call YOU.
Unwillingly Yours, Sparklebumps