Daily Archives: December 8, 2011

A Perfect Christmas Story


So, I am much to tired today to write anything witty at this point, so instead, I will tell you what my Christmas would be like if I was not who I turned out to be and life was the way I used to imagine I wanted it to be.

On Christmas Eve, my five boys (their names are Gavin, Riggs, Joey, Andy, and Westley)¬†¬†would get all dressed up in their dinosaur and Xmen jammies and we would get situated in front of the TV and watch It’s A Wonderful Life while eating Christmas cookies and other assorted bad-for-you Christmas foods. My boys would grumble and say, “Mom! Why can’t we watch Home Alone instead?!” and I would respond, “Because Life is wonderful, Honeys, and you need to realize that. You’ll appreciate this movie someday.”

When the movie got to the end where Jimmy Stewart rushes home to his family, my eyes would well up with tears and my very handsome husband would grab my hand and hold it discreetly, so our boys wouldn’t say, “EWWWW! Dad, gross!” After the movie ended, the boys would jump up, excited at the prospect of Santa, and we would set out some cookies (Oreos) and milk, and a cherry- flavored cigar for him.

Each child would be allowed to open just ONE present, even though they would beg to open them all. They would take many minutes shaking each one and trying to decide which to open.

I’d then herd the boys off to bed and read them How the Grinch Stole Christmas (because Dr. Seuss is awesome), and then kiss their heads and tell them to go to sleep.

My perfect husband and I would then proceed to have awesome sex- the really naughty kind.

The next morning, my boys would come bouncing on our bed, crying, “Wake up! It’s Christmas! Presentspresentspresents!!!!” My beautiful husband and I would drag ourselves out of bed and to the living room, where our upside-down tree was. I would then don my pink Santa hat and pass out the presents. Besides for toys, each son would receive one book, which he would be thrilled about because I have instilled the love of books into my children.

My hubby would hand me a gift, also a book, and just the right one, because he had taken the time to find out what I have and haven’t read, and would have bought the newest book that came out that I had refused to buy because of the new sticker price. I would give him a gift, too- a much-wanted guitar or tickets to an awesome concert, and sex coupons, of course, which we would have to hide quickly when the boys said, “Mom, what are those?”

After the present opening, there would be piles of wrapping paper EVERYWHERE, and we would sit and watch our children play with their newly begotten treasures. There would be no family Christmas to have to rush to, because both of our families have decided it was smarter to celebrate on different days, to leave this day for us.

Fairy tales are fun, aren’t they?

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