Daily Archives: December 14, 2011

The “Perks” of Being 30


I am sad to say that through-out my 20’s, my excessive buzooms were never quite as perky as I would have liked. The term “nipping out” didn’t generally apply to me. Oddly enough, the girls have decided in their old age to change their ways. Apparently, they are planning on aging as gracefully as the rest of me, because for the past few months, my nipples have been saying, “Look at us! We exist! We will NOT be hidden underneath ANY kind of bra material or shirtness!”

Just thought you all would like to know.

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A Few of My Favorite Things


In the holiday spirit, I have composed the following post to be sung to the tune of the song My Favorite Things. If you feel like greatly disturbing those holiday shoppers the next time you’re in public, I greatly urge you to start singing this:

Sparkles and dildos and shiny stilettos,

French fries and mustangs and posts about book hos,

Ben-wa balls and whatever else Santa will bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Purple and kisses and hugs gotten from strangers,

That last one might put me a little in danger,

Dolly and Audrey and that Marilyn,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Music and Rockstars and Rockstar’s’s boners,

I really don’t like that my Brother’s a stoner, (sorry, I couldn’t think of anything else that rhymed. But it’s true)

Please pull my hair when you’re ready to come,

And I’ll be very pissed if you drink all the rum.

Chorus:

When I’m horny,

When I’m lonely,

When I’m feeling down,

I simply remember the sex from last night,

And then I no longer frown.

 

Blowjobs and brunettes and hot Chris Meloni,

I know if he met me he’d never let go of me.

Riding my Rockstar til his balls are blue,

These are a few of the things that I’ll do.

 

Charlie Sheen since he fell off the wagon,

Hot karls, blumpkins, and gross angry dragons,

Dirty sanchezes and glass-bottom boats,

These are a few of the things that I won’t.

Chorus:

When I’m crazy,

When I’m bonkers,

When I’m feeling bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don’t feel so mad.

THE END

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Filed under Beauty, Books, Christmas, Entertainment, Humor, Love, music, Uncategorized