To Whom It May Concern

To Whom it may concern,

I am composing this letter to inform you that you suck balls. (Though I’m sure not literally, because men would find you much more appealing if you did.) It is too bad that your low self-esteem has alienated the people you love from you, because from what I can see, your wild imagination has gotten the best of you, and there is no sanity left.

Your mad conceptualizations tend to make you look like an escapee from the loony bin, and it takes all that I have in me not to call the authorities and have you re-committed. I hear the beds there can be quite lonely, so I understand completely why you felt the need to flee; however, if your crazed activities are to continue, I will have no choice in the matter.

Your spelling is atrocious (that reason alone is enough to have you arrested, in my opinion), and I realize that strong spirits are probably the reason for this infraction, so I firmly urge you to seek treatment for your obvious alcoholism; if only to keep people from thinking you didn’t pass the 7th grade.

I must relate to you the fact that no one is out to get you, and that the “issues” you admit that you are having are solely of your own disgraceful doings. (Sadly, I believe said issues are apparent only to you, anyway; you may find that these issues take care of themselves if you take your pills faithfully.)

In closing, I must quote Margaret Fuller- “This woman envies me; she says, ‘How happy you are; so free, so serene, so attractive, so self-possessed!’ I say not a word, but I do not look on myself as particularly enviable.”

To you I say, Get happy, get free, get serene; and then you will be attractive and self-possessed. Because your non-serenity is making you beautifically-impaired.

Thank you and please don’t come and kill me in the night,

Sparklebumps

P.S. If you think this letter is concerning you, it probably is.

Just Call Me Sugarplum

I gave a Christmas concert at church yesterday and and everyone raved about how adorably I was dressed. I even had someone comment that I looked like the Sugarplum Fairy. I cannot decide if this is a good thing.

What Would You Do If….(Pizza Slut Edition)

What would you do if:

#1 A white trash loser with a Southern accent literally shooed you away and said,”Go’on now. Get on outta here! I told ’em not to send you back here. Just get on outta here. Go’on now.” after complaing about you for absolutely no reason?

What I would do: Snort and walk away and then mope around saddened while glaring at said man occasionally until he leaves.

#2 You dumped a flaming hot pizza onto your hand and  into your apron?

What I would do: Say “Shit! Fuck! That was hot!” a little too loudly, and then look around and notice the little girl standing nearby waiting for a refill who’s ears have just been assailed by curse words.

#3 The Way You Make Me Feel came on the radio while you were saucing and cheesing?

What I would do: Sing under my breath while continuing to sauce and cheese, until the spirit of Michael Jackson possessed me and I could no longer resist the urge to screech, “HEE-HOO!” while thrusting my hips and grabbing my crotch. (I think I should have set the pepperoni down first…”

#4 You answer the phone and SMILE while issuing the standard greeting- “Thank you for calling Pizza Hut! My name is Sparklebumps, would you like to hear our specials?”- only to have the person on the line say, “No. Do you guys have any specials?” Repeatedly.

What I would do: Roll my eyes and continue to SMILE while taking their order, then when they hang up, bash the phone reciever mercilessly onto the cradle.

#5 The screechy-voiced woman you worked with deems you worthy of talking to now, and (since she only complains when she has something to say) continues to complain to you about other coworkers?

What I would do: Nod and remain mute,(hoping no reaction will make her stop talking to you) hoping her vocal chords with magically disintigrate so as to rid yours and others ears of the horror that is her voice.

#6 Your managar Awesome’s hubby comes in and she says to him, “Show Sparklebumps your tattoes!” which he obliges by pulling up his shirt after having just met you?

What I would do: Think, “Wah! He’s flashing me!” and then shrug and check out his fun tattoes.

#7 Your manager Frenchie gets on his knees in front of everyone and begs for forgiveness after you have jokingly berated him for flirting with coworkers other than yourself?

What I would do: Narrow my eyes at him as if I’m thinking about it, and then NOT forgive him. He needs to think about what he’s done for a bit longer.

#8 There was a puddle of piss in front of the urinal EVERY night when you are mopping up?

What I would do: Drop my mop right then and stalk back to the kitchen, demanding to know which coworker remaining does not know how to aim his urine stream properly.

Who wouldn’t want to be a Pizza Slut?