If I Was A Superhero

If I was a superhero…

I would rid the world of Evildoers- mainly retailers that charge exuberant prices for shoes, and people who crunch their popcorn too loudly. I suppose I’d have to take out a few suicide bombers and terrorists too.

I would pose as a librarian, or maybe a Pizza Slut, during the day, but at night I would wear a shiny cape and be busting out of my shirt, like Superman. (Unfortuneately, I have that problem with button-up shirts anyway)

My super power would be my luscious buzooms, which would allow me to distract men from doing man-type of things, (such as watching football and other corrupt activities.) My other super power would be my charm, which I would use to tell women they are lovely, thereby making them realize that men are too busy watching football to fully appreciate them.

I would also know tai-chi, karate, and kung-fu which I have learned from an over-sized rat and his four turtle apprentices.

French fries and boners would be my kryptonite. Therefore, I would have to maintain a life of solitude, so as not to become distracted from my destiny. (however, my trusty rabbit vibrator will be on hand at all times.) Also, I would have to steer clear of fast-food restaurants.

My thigh-high sparkley boots would have platforms on them; such gadgetry comes in handy when trying to acheive certain goals-such as reaching the top shelf of bookcases. And my spandex skivvy-looking attire would have a zipper in the crotch to assure speedy bathroom breaks while I’m fighting crime.

My greatest nemeses would be bill collectors, white trash, and the oven.

Despite many close calls, and all the newspapers reporting at least 3 times that I have been defeated, I shall retire unscathed in the country, sitting in a rocking chair and drinking schnapps while reminiscing of my glory days as  da da da….Sparklewoman   Womanbumps  Sparklebumps the Woman!