Not Wanted: Sparklebumps

Who wouldn’t want a Sparklebumps dressed in heels and an apron cooking a deliciously nutritious dinner in their kitchen when they arrive home from work?

I’ll tell you at least one person.

My Rockstar.

This is the exact situation in which I found myself last night.

Instead of the hot kitchen sex or reaction of, “Damn, your ass looks good!”,  what do you think I got?

Absolutely fucking nothing.

For your information, I would have been happy with a smile and a peck on the cheek.

My Rockstar came home and proceeded to crack a beer and completely ignore my presence. COMPLETELY.

In the meantime, I thought, “OK, perhaps his eyesight has diminished at work this day, and cannot see that I am here. Mostly naked.”

I watched him sink down in his Lazy Boy and continue to zone out, until I realized that he probably would have been happier if I wasn’t even there.

Here is something that you may not know, if you’ve been living tied up in a cave under the ocean.

I love my Rockstar.  I think about him all the time.

Yes, I love the sex too, but I would be perfectly content just having him sit next to me drinking his beer. Something to show that he acknowledges my presences at least.

Instead, he ended up going on the computer and shutting the bedroom door, which he has never done before.

So I decided to get plastered on brandy. After my third drink I went in and poked him and asked him why he didn’t want me anymore.

His response? “You’ve had too much to drink.”

Perhaps I had, but drunk people have feelings too.

I ended up going to bed and bawling my eyes out because I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

When he came to bed, I shoved him and told him he needed to not ignore me.

He said, “I don’t need to deal with this shit tonight.”

I told him if he kept it up then he wouldn’t have to deal with it EVER.

He then proceeded to tell me it was stupid of me to dress up in said apron and heels, and I didn’t need to do that.

I pointed out that I didn’t need to cook supper for him, or tuck his daughter in, or love him either, but that I do those things because I am me.

I also pointed out the fact that he wasn’t exactly thrilled to see me.

He stated that he didn’t feel the need to be thrilled.

Well, I fucking need him to be thrilled about me, dammit! Maybe not always, but a good chunk of the time.

To make a long story short, nothing got resolved, and now I work opposite hours than he does for the rest of the week, so I my mind shall be in limbo in regards to my relationship for the next 6 days.

Fuck my life. And I NEVER say that.

The Lyricist

So I know I’m not the only one who cannot always understand singers when they are singing their song lyrics. I especially have a tough time understanding Zakk Wylde. There is quite a list of songs that have Sparklebumps Translations- in other words, words I think they are singing. I took this opportunity to look up the actual song lyrics to some songs, but in all honesty, I think my lyrics are better….

1.The Blessed Hell Ride by Black Label Society

Sparklebump’s Translation: “One more drink, the dead break down and then another one.”

Actual Lyrics: “One more drink, a nervous breakdown, and then another war.”

I’ll take another drink. No war please.

2. Helter Skelter  by Motley Crue

Sparklebump’s Translation: “I told my dog, “Why they love you?” and “I’m cumming down back but don’t let me brain you.”

Actual Lyrics: “Do you, don’t you want me to love you” and “I’m coming down fast but don’t let me break you.”

3. Sweet Little Sister by Skid Row

Sparklebump’s Translation: “She got her ass in a crooked dress, smiling like an alligator. We got her headlights in the back of my car, tights lips now but six ship later.”

Actual Lyrics: “She’s got her hands in the cookie jar, Smiling like an alligator, Making headlines in the back of my car Tight lipped now but she’ll sink ships later ”

4. Walking on Broken Glass by Annie Lennox

Sparklebump’s Translation: “Since you went down on me, my whole life is trashed.”

Actual Lyrics: “Since you moved out on me, my whole life has crashed.”

I’m gonna say the guy had a magical tongue.

5. Cream by Prince

Sparklebump’s Translation: “This is it, it’s time for you to gallop and wire.” and “Look up in the air! It’s you tongue!”

Actual Lyrics: “This is it, it’s time for you to go to the wire” and “Look up in the air, it’s your guitar.”

6. Wild Side by Motley Crue

Sparklebump’s Translation: “I carry my crucifix under my bath dress”

Actual Lyrics:”I carry my crucifix under my deathlist.”

7.  Counterfeit God  by Black Label Society

Sparklebump’s Translation: “In this world of hat and face,” and “we edit your will and then your seed.”

Actual Lyrics: “In this world when at it’s best”  and “Hand over your will and then you’ll see.”

Sorry, there will have to be  a second installment of this, because my MP3 Player is short 400 songs today. XOXO

P.S. I never said my lyrics made sense….

Random Thought

I suppose I should wear a shirt today. It only took me two hours after I woke up to think this.

Good Enough…?

I wish you a Happy Saturday, my Lovelys. As for myself, I cannot say with all honesty that I am completely joyous on this day. Let me explain…

I took my test to be a Manager Slut  that sounds bad. I took my test to be a manager of Pizza Sluts on Thursday night. The man who administered it was the boss of Frenchie, and from what everyone has told me, this man is quite terrifying. Needless to say, I was slightly nervous.

If I had thought about it for even a moment, I would have realized that I had nothing to be nervous about. After all, who wouldn’t love me? I do my job, (and well, I might add) I don’t fuck around (too much) when I’m at work, and I am completely charming and wonderful (I know, that’s a little stretch.) Anyhoo, apparently this manager man agrees with me, because he seemed to be flirting with me (I think) and after I passed my test, he informed Frenchie that I “am a gem and I completely impressed him, and that Frenchie should not let my talents go to waste because I most certainly will run circles around any of the employees we currently have.” I’m not sure how he got all that from spending a half hour with me, but- I guess that’ll do.

After speaking with Frenchie a bit more, I was happy to find that he is daily amazed with my performance and my general awesomeness. He also let me know that in the future, if I wished to run my own store, that would be an option. I drove home with thoughts of a $40,000 income floating through my head. (Yes, to you it may not seem much, but it’s almost thrice what I’ve ever made.)

I got home elated that I had so impressed my managers, and let my Rockstar know what Frenchie had told me. Instead of a smile, a hug, and a “That’s great, Honey.” (or Snookums or some other term of endearment) I got, “Well, that’s totally not enough money to be worth running your own store.” Fuckin’ A.

I may have mentioned my Rockstar’s attitude in the past about my lack of funds. That has seemed to be the main problem he has with me, since I’m (not to be cocky) fabulous otherwise. So you would THINK that when I told him I had the possiblity of making as much as he does, he would no longer find any reason to poo-poo me.

What was I thinking? How dumb of me.

What is frustrating now is that everyone seems to completely love me at work, and for the last week, I have come home to almost no affection whatsoever. Is it too much to ask that my Rockstar be happy for me, or give me a hug when I get home? I think not.

I may be over-reacting here. (I wouldn’t know because I NEVER do that), but it seems to me that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough for him.

I would like to point out that I KNOW that I am good enough for ANYONE, and his making me feel otherwise is just shitty.

I am saddened to find myself in a very similiar situation to the one I was in with my ex-hubby. To quote Martina McBride- “Maybe it’s just time to walk away, if I’m trying to find a reason to stay.”

 

 

A True Friend

A friend will tell you you are beautiful even if you look like shit because you drank a bottle of Captain and threw up all down the front of your sparkly shirt.

A friend will say, “How was it?” not “Shame on you!” when you tell her you screwed the maintanance guy from work when you were still married.

A friend will not brag about how great her guy is when you tell her yours is sucking.

A friend will hug you and say “Everything will be ok” when you’re crying on the floor of your empty apartment after you’re left your husband and are wondering if you did the right thing.

A friend will say, “You’re a dork,” but sing along anyway when I’ll Never Break Your Heart by the Backstreet Boys comes on the radio.

A friend will tell you truthfully, “You sucked,” afteer you get done singing Proud Mary at karaoke. (For the record, that song is really tough to sing…)

A friend will go to a concert with you when you invite them- even if it IS Celtic Woamn you’re going to see.

A friend will think of you once or twice when she’s in Vegas with her boyfriend, and bring home those complimentary shampoos and lotions the hotel gives for you because they are pink, and you like pink. (I love you, Delightful!)

A friend will tell you you’re worth marrying, even if your Rockstar boyfriend doesn’t think so.

A friend will not judge you if you wear turquoise lame’ leggings because they are shiny and make you happy.

A friend will let you veg out on her couch and not make you talk if you don’t wanna.

A friend will not gawk at you and think inwardly, “What a piggy” when you inhale a large pizza in under 15 minutes.

A friend will tell you you’d make a great mom, even though you are telling her how you are on the edge of strangling your almost-step daughter.

A friend will tell you you look amazing naked, even though you don’t.

Things I Never Thought I’d Say

I suppose I’ll start with the sexual ones. After all, would you expect anything less from me?

1. “I love giving blow jobs!”- Seriously, in younger years, the thought of sticking a man’s thingy in my mouth was quite horrifying, really. It has since become one of my favorite pasttimes. (My Rockstar is a lucky lucky man.)

2. “I swallow.” – Only on special occassions. Or when surprised.

3. “Spank me.”- Technically, this is not something I say (since I don’t talk dirty), but it IS something I enjoy. So if you ever meet me, feel free. That harder the better.

4. “I have anal beads.”- They were a “special gift” when I ordered my finger-tip vibrator. To be honest, I never understood the thrill. But I have them all the same.

5. “I’m sorry. I cannot, at this time, participate in a three-some.”- Sadly, it seems as soon as I am in a committed relationship, I get all these invites to do so. For the record, none of them would have included my Rockstar. If they had, I’d be busy right now.

As far as parenting goes:

6. “Because I said so!”- I HATED when my parents used this phrase as I was growing up, so I always try to give valid reasons for my having said so; however, I have come to realize that sometimes there’s just no arguing with a 9 year old.

7. “MY kid would never do that.”- Since my Rockstar’s Daughter isn’t mine, I find myself saying this quite frequently, actually.

8. “When I was a kid…” – I believe all the people in the world are convinced the parenting was better when they were a kid.

Sayings about money:

9. “I owe Victoria’s Secret $2800.” – Seriously. How was I to know it would get that bad?

10. “I owe $11,000 to credit cards and the I.R.S”- I actually just found this out last night when I actually added up all my bills. I now understand how Wesley Snipes ended up in the situation he was in.

11. “I make $8.50 an hour.”- Luckily, since getting fired from THAT job, I now bring in a shitload more of cash. Like $9.50.

12. “Yay! I found a quarter on the floor of my car right next to that french fry I dropped 6 months ago.”- The sad thing is, you think I’m joking. What I wouldn’t give for my own washer/dryer…

About life in general…

13. “I want you to use the clippers on my head.”- A few years ago, I went to the salon intent on getting a shaven faux hawk exactly like Rihanna’s. The girl convinced me NOT to allow clippers by saying, “You’re gonna look bald.” Incidentally, my haircut turned out fabulous, but I wouldn’t have minded looking bald. After all, I have a very nicely-shaped head. But I guess we’ll never know now, will we?!

14. “Fuck you.”- Given my religious background, and the fact that I wasn’t allowed to watch PG-13 movies growing up because of the language, it’s actually quite surprising this has ended up being my favorite angry phrase to utter. Although, when I think about it, it doesn’t really make any sense, because anyone I would say it to, I would most definitely NOT wish to fuck.

15.  “I LOVE Backstreet Boys!”- I fully admit that I woulda thunk it, but to actually say it aloud is a different story. Yes, I got crap for saying it in front of people too.

16. “I have nothing to wear.”- What a typical woman-type thing to say. I will make it unique by adding, “except shoes.”

Now It’s Blake Shelton’s Bulge…

As if Joe DiMaggio’s Penis wasn’t enough.

Let me ask you something? Do I really write about celebrity cock that much? Once again, the search terms that have led strangers to my blog door have been piling up. If you didn’t think they could get any weirder, think again. I’ve already mentioned:

Blake Shelton’s Bulge: Kudos to you, Miranda Lambert. I assume the newlywed sex you’ve been having has been quite outstanding, since Blake has a bulge and all. However, I must ask you this- Do you put a bag over his head so you don’t have to look into his buggy eyes during?

Along those lines:

Watch masturbation man: Along with Blow Dry Asshole, I believe Masturbation Man would be an excellent addition to the Sparklebump’s Superhero Justice League. Although, safety glasses may be required when watching him, since getting that stuff in your eye stings. Another great superhero would be:

Before Breakfast Stud: I believe every woman and every gay man should have one of these. Personally, I don’t eat breakfast very often, so what I really need is a Before Lunch Stud; really, though, I wouldn’t mind having both. My only question is,  does he bring you pancakes and coffee after he’s completed his studly duties? I certainly hope so.

Moving on to other search terms, but not away from sexually explicit ones:

Table Dancing Diaries: I am quite certain this would have been the title of my memoir if I had lived The Life I Didn’t Live and had moved to Vegas. With that in mind, I think they probably would have made a kid’s show based on my life called:

Super Slut Cartoon: I, for one, would find a cartoon slut extremely entertaining, wouldn’t you? But I suppose it really wouldn’t be a children’s show. It would be about a girl named Sparklebumps, and how

She would like to get fucked: because, let’s face it. If it’s based on me, you know there’s nothing I would like more.

Enough about me now. It’s time for more lovely search terms:

The real truth about Facebook sex: I will tell you the real truth. Some under-aged inexperienced guys get a big thrill out of it, (or so I’ve heard) but really, typing, “I want your dick in my pussy” isn’t the same as actually HAVING a dick in your pussy. This I know for certain.

Mom loves cock hot sex fuck: Well, this search term to me makes sense. After all, she probably wouldn’t be a mom if she liked cooch hot sex fuck. I DO understand the allure of MILFs, even if some of you don’t.

Here’s one I had to think about for a second…

fat happy carousel pussy: First of all, I hear that some guys prefer a fat pussy, (although I’m not quite sure what the definition of that is) but I could see how the up- and -down motion of a carousel could make a pussy very happy. Sadly, I think you’d have to restrain yourself somewhat if you got that kind of a thrill on an actual carousel. (The kids and stuff probably wouldn’t know what was going on.)

Hell pizza: I don’t think there really is such a thing. After all, if there were pizza in Hell, it wouldn’t be hell, now would it?

Giblet in Romeo and Juliet: Having read this play and having seen numerous productions of it as well, I can say with utter certainty that there were, in fact, no giblets mentioned in Romeo and Juliet. It would have been interesting to have the Capulets and the Montegues fighting over giblets at the party though…

And for my favorite fucked up search term of the day…

What is another word for dumbass: I am so glad that whoever entered this search term was directed to my blog, because I truly have a plethora of synonyms for Dumbass, mainly- asshat, fucktard (thank Brainrants for that one), poophead, cocksucker, Boss, fuckerbutt, assbucket, stupiddumb (that one was from junior high) and lastly, men. (Sorry, men.)

 

 

 

An Open Letter to Those Who Bring Happiness

Dear Maya Angelou- I appreciate you putting into poetry the words I so forcefully think in my head- “Life doesn’t frighten me, no not at all.” Even though there are times when life makes me want to crawl into a six foot hole dragging the dirt in after me. But nevermind about that.

Dear Lady Gaga- I greatly look up to you and your bizzare get-ups. I adore the fact that you don’t seem to care how scary you end up looking, and that you are still at the top of the charts while doing so. It will make it much easier for me to become famous now, because nobody will be looking at my style faux-pas; they will all be looking at you.

Dear my Incredible Auntie- When people say that we look exactly the same, I do not cringe, because I aspire to look like anyone who has fantastic kids like yours, has her own business that she enjoys immensely, and isn’t afraid to pray- “Dear Jesus, thank you for chow mein.”

Dear Audrey Hepburn- Thank you, thank you, thank you, for being beautiful and amazing and classy. You are proof that one or two failed marriages is not something to worry over, and proof that a “princess” is not just someone you can play in a movie. I am saddened that you are dead, because it would have been nice to meet you.

Dear Gramma- Despite the fact that you have grown increasingly blunt in recent years, I find it quite humorous when you truthfully tell me that my choice in hair color is “hideous.” I would like to inform you once again that as a child, my hair was blonde, and it never has, in fact, been beautifully natural black like you tell everyone it is. I think you are confusing me with my half-sister. Thank you for being always honest- even if it is in an Alzheimer’s patient kind of way.

Dear Prince (to clarify- the artist formerly known and once again known as)- I want to thank you for noticing that “all that glitters ain’t gold.” and for your funky falsetto, as it has greatly entertained me for many years. I find you to be immensely talented; however, I regret to inform you that though I would love to be a guest on one of your albums, I will not be asking you to produce my debut album. Your style is a little bit too messy for my taste. Kudos on the Under the Cherry Moon soundtrack though.

Dear H.E Ellis– Even though my Rockstar doesn’t find me worthy of marriage, I know you are out there ready to marry me whenever you turn lesbian. You are very good for my ego.  XOXO

Dear numerous candy-producing companies- Without you, I would have drifted through life without the benefit of sugar-induced energy. Thank you for providing me with Starburst, Butterfingers, Milky Ways, Laffy Taffy, Blow Pops (which also served me in my first attempts at learning how to give a blow job), 5th Avenues, etc…

Dear Jim Beam and Co.- Thank you for providing liquor strong enough to get my Rockstar jumping on the bed with his guitar. Also,  with your help, I found out he can sing just like Sinnead O’Connor. That was a little bit disturbing, but highly entertaining. It  gave me good fodder with which to tease him mercilessly.  You also induced the most amazing drunken sex I’ve ever had. Thank you again for that.

Dear Chris Meloni- Thank you for your beautiful scowl. And other beautiful parts of you.

XOXO,

Sparklebumps

The Story of Jonah- A Translation

So awhile back I was inspired to translate the 10 commandments for the common fol who perhaps don’t know how to speak King James. Here’s the story of Jonah, which I chose because I got to hear it at church on Sunday:

So Jonah was kickin’ back  having a beer, when God spoke to him, saying, “Alright, Dude, listen up. I want you to go to Ninevah and tell them about Me. The people there are pissin’ me right off and I’m going to blow the shit outta them if they don’t repent.”

Jonah thought to himself, “Fuck that shit. Ninevah is Crime Central. If I go there, I’ll prolly get ass-raped, or someone will steall all my beer money.”

So Jonah decided to ignore God and got on a ship headed in the opposite direction.

That pissed God off, and He thought, “What the fuck, Jonah? I’m the boss here. I’ll show you what happens when you don’t do what I say, dumbass.”

So God created a huge strom, and the seamen (heehee, I said semen!) freaked out because they thought they were all going to die. They found Jonah taking a nap downstairs and kicked him, saying, “Get up, you fucker! What are ya thinkin’? Get busy praying so we don’t have a Titanic incident.”

Jonah  said, “Aw shit, dudes. This storm is my fault.”

Then the seamen (haha!) were like, “Well waht are we gonna do with you?”

Jonah shrugged. “Well, God’ll prolly stop this storm if you guys throw me overboard…”

The seamen liked Jonah, so they didn’t really want to toss him into the sea, but they didn’t want to die either, so they did.

Then God sent a huge fish to swallow Jonah whole, and Jonah had to sit in the stinky rank-pussy smelling fish belly for three days.

While gagging from the smell, Jonah prayed to God. “God, I fucked up. Seriously, dude, if you get me outta here, I will do whatever you say, because

it reeks pretty bad in here.

God was listening, and He made the fish up-chuck. With a giant belch, the fish threw up and Jonah was tossed with a bunch of algae and shit onto dry land.

“Are you gonna do what I told you to now, you little shit?” God said to Jonah.

“Yes! I don’t wanna go through all that shit again, do I?” So Jonah went to Ninevah and yelled at all the people- “Listen up! Quit your whoring around and your gambling and whatnot, or God’s gonna wipe you out!” All the people saw what a wreck Jonah was, and they could smell him from a mile away, so they figured he was telling the truth. So they put on really bad clothes and repented, and God didn’t kill ’em all.

The End

I Loooove You

La lala! I am drunk, my bloggy Lovelys! But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less than I did when I was sober!  I appreciate every single one of you for taking the time to read my ridiculous musings! Did you notice I use many more exclamation points when I’m drunk? Do you guys remember that perfume with the black and white bottle with an exclamation point? I don’t remember what it was called….. Help a drunk girl out here… Wow, I think I actually spelt everything right. I’m sorry, I haven’t the energy to find a picture to go with my post. I must attempt to ravage my Rockstar now, but my hip has been giving me trouble today. Fuck this being 30 shit… XOXO