Well, my Lovelys, apparently Aphrodite is dead. This saddened me at first, but then HR Nightmare was nice enough to go ahead and nominate me as her replacement; so I got over my sadness pretty quickly.
After some extensive research on the Wikipedia, I found out that Aphrodite was the goddess of love, beauty, and desire. (She was also born from Uranus’ cut-off genitalia, but that’s another story.) Also, her beauty apparently made the gods jealous. (this is the part where I’m confused as to why I was nominated)
As your newly-appointed Love Goddess, I feel that we should establish some ground rules; after all, I can’t just let you all run around falling in love and screwing at random. What kind of goddess would that make me? I need to earn some respect.
So, I think for my first new rule, it seems only right to appoint a specific holiday on which to honor me. (And the love for which I stand) Therefore, let’s pick a day you all will remember. October 5th sounds good; that way, you will not forget that that day is also my birthday, and any special offerings in my direction will be greatly appreciated.
In honor of Sparklebumps Day, I expect each of you to wear something pink (or sparkly, if you prefer), and to give at least one person a hug. Also, as desire is one of the things I am responsible for, it is only right that each of you get laid on my birthday. Vanilla sex is quite acceptable; however, the dirtier the sex, the more honor you shall bring to me.
In general, I expect each of my followers to instate into their thinking the phrase “What Would Sparklebumps Do?” A shorter more convenient form of that would be WWSD, or Wa-Wa-SeD. (That’s very fun to say!) I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’d be happy and love everybody (unless they so obviously don’t deserve it) and flirt with everyone regardless of gender, race, sexual preference, etc. Also, giving booby squishes makes people love and full of desire, so you should do that too. If you haven’t boobies, (That’s you, Men) dry-humping is acceptable; however, permission may need to be authorized before said dry-humping occurs. (This is mandatory)
As far as desire goes, I firmly believe that an individual cannot help who it is they desire. I find the concept of jealousy over a cheating lover completely obsolete. Therefore, when becoming aware of any “superfluous” activities, instead of becoming angry and jaded, I urge you all to join in. You never know… you just might like it. (More than one set of boobies or cock and balls can’t be a BAD thing)
Aphrodite was also the goddess of procreation; but I believe she had a rough time of managing this area- as evidenced by the many children spawned by fucktards. So, one of my rules shall be that only people of an intelligent disposition are allowed to reproduce. That should take care of any future presidential candidates mirroring the ones we have now.
I almost forgot Beauty. To women who don’t try, I say, “Try.” It irks me that you make no effort whatsoever to enhance what God has given you. No, I’m not saying to slap on a mask of cosmetics, but a little under-eye makeup and mascara does wonders. It will also make my job of finding suitable men to be attracted to you easier. Also, if your weight exceeds 200 lbs., please leave the stretchy pants at home.
Don’t think that you men get a free ride either. I expect you also to make an effort. This means no T-shirts with holes are allowed, and baseball caps are unacceptable on dates. Also, chewing tobacco is a no-no. Women like men who still have teeth and no mouth cancer.
In closing, I would like to state that if you follow these simple guidelines, you shall be immensely blessed with more boners, wet pussies, kisses, hugs, and Love than you know what to do with.
Blessed Be. XOXO