So apparently, I am unworthy of a proposal of marriage.
After agonizing over this for months, (or perhaps years) it seems to be the only logical explanation.
That is not to say that I am not marriage material.
Quite the contrary, in fact.
During the first seven years of my previous relationship, my ex stated at numerous various intervals that he had every intention of marrying me. And he did. After I said, “OK. So we’ve been together for, like, ever. Let’s get married already.”
That was the first instance of a non-proposal I experienced.
When my Rockstar and I formally started dating, (when he said, “If we are going to be together, I don’t want you fuckin’ around with other guys.”) I asked him how he wanted his life to go in regards to any kind of relationship. He said, and I quote, “I want to be married, and maybe have another kid.”
Soon after that, he asked how my ex had proposed. Imagine his surprise when I told him there had been no actual proposal.
Throughout our two-year relationship, the only time I have mentioned marriage is the time I left my Non-Proposal Note. (Which got no response.) It may seem that I am in a terrible rush to repeat the disaster of marriage. In fact, the opposite is true. Things are practically perfect, and I am well aware that marriage does not make anything better. (or worse.)
The point is…. my Rockstar said once that he wished to be married someday. Long long ago, he was married and it all went to shit; so I understand any hesitation that may exist. At the same time, I am most definitely NOT an almost-model who is fucking around with multiple dudes, and our relationship has already lasted longer than his first marriage.
If he were to propose, I’m not even sure I would say yes, (OK, I readily admit that is a lie) but I want him to WANT to marry me, even if we do not actually commit the actual act.
I asked my boss Frenchi, “If a guy wants to marry a girl, he will ask her, yes?” He said yes. (Of course, he has been married 3 times, so I think that he is not afraid of commitment.)
So now I am asking all of you, “If my Rockstar wanted to marry me, he would have at least asked by now, yes?”
20 responses to “Analyzing A Non-Marriage”
He’s probably doing the Johnny Depp thing of “don’t fix it if it aint broke”.
As in, he’s just completely happy with how things are at the moment that he doesn’t need to have a ceremony and sign papers that declare you guys man and wife. So really, it’s not about whether he wants to marry YOU or not.. Maybe he just has changed his mind about actually needing to BE married.
You could ask if he sees you guys married in 5 years time? Thing is, I’m sure you know better than a lot of people – that guys are essentially oblivious and dumb. He sort of needs it spelt out – guys just don’t take hints, and frankly, hints are annoying as hell. You might as well just spit it out and get it over with instead of wondering and bantering back and forth confusing yourself in your head.
🙂 Good luck.
I can never just spit stuff out… except, you know. 😉
You two can come to Vegas with me and the BF on the 19th and make it happen….insert *eyebrow wiggle* here.
Haha. You first. 🙂
I agree that you two just need to sit down and have a serious conversation about where you see the relationship in the near future and what you both want out of it….it’s not an easy conversation and will probably be even a little bit awkward since there was no response to your “non-proposal” buuuuuutttt I honestly think it will help you figure out where you stand. Love you. xoxo
I don’t want to be THAT girl who asks “Where is this going?” though…. It’s not like I’m going to leave if he says he DOESN”T want to get married.
As Hotspur says, Not Necessarily. His first was a loss, your first was a loss, perhaps he just doesn’t want to jinx it by making it official. Maybe he feels that you guys ARE married. In some jurisdictions you are, even without the little piece of paper. He said he wanted to BE married, not GET married, which, even at city hall, is a bit of an official performance. Marriage doesn’t start, end or rely on a religious or political rite. A woman I worked with had a terrible four year marriage. She extracted herself and two years later moved in with a wonderful guy. Despite four proposals, three kids and twenty years together, she still refuses to MARRY him. Rockstar may not be too thrilled with the theater end of it, but he seems to be committed to the relationship part.
That’s why I’m confused. HE was the one that said he wanted to go to Vegas and have Elvis marry us… but no efforts have been made on his part to do that.
He may be gun-shy from #1. He hasn’t bailed on you yet, so I see that as a positive. Maybe he’s one of those types that just opposes shit, so your approach would then be: “Whatever you do, DO NOT marry me, Rockstar!”
I am quite certain there would be no reason for ANYONE to bail on me if I was dating them. I’m kinda awesome …if you haven’t noticed.
Talk to him. Your Rockstar loves you and wants you to be happy. We all do.
What if he doesn’t talk back? He has a bad habit of doing that.
Marriage does make a difference. You’ve both apparently had crappy relationships before, but you’ve also been together long enough to know you like each other, love each other, and whatever else each other.
But the answer to your question is ‘not necessarily’. He might think you don’t really want to. Or he’s afraid that he might stick his neck out only to get his head cut off. In other words, he might be as nervous about it as you, or more so. You just gotta start talking about it.
Blah. Talking about my relationship with the one I’m in a relationship with? Unheard of…
Well, maybe there is. You’re not perfect. He has to find contentment and that’s not easy. Sometimes it feels a bit like giving up. There will always be a degree of compromise.
Hey! There is NO ONE better than me for him. I know what I’m worth.
If that’s true, it’s remarkable that, amongst the billions of people in the world, you met each other.
Even taking it as true, inevitably, sooner or later, some woman will fancy him and promise more than she can deliver. He is bound to be tempted, if only by the novelty value.
Oh blah. I promise him excellently cooked meals all the time and can’t deliver. And as far as finding each other? That’s just how damn lucky I am.
Difficult to say. You know him better than we do. People change and time catches up. Who knows what’s around the corner? Will a ring on your finger really make that much difference? Is it worth fretting over?
Like I said, I’m not worried about a ring or marriage. But I don’t want him thinking there’s someone better out there either.