Point and Aim, Men

Men, boys, she-males-

I have a bone to pick with you.

And yes, it’s the bone in your pants that I’m talking about. (Even thought I’ve been told it’s not actually a bone.)

But it’s not in the context you’d expect from me.

I am pissed. (In every sense of the word.)

I would like to know- exactly what the fuck is so hard about pointing your dick in the general 12-14″ that is allotted from a urinal and actually pissing IN the thing, as opposed to IN FRONT of it?!

Is it that you are standing too far away, and your urinal stream lacks the power to get to it’s destination?

Is it that you are so distracted by having you penis in your hands that you just “forget” so pee where you are supposed to?

I really want to know.

I am not blaming the ENTIRE male species for this transgression; no. But I have asked many guys that I’ve worked with if they are the individuals pissing on the floor in the bathroom, and no ones copping to it. So until I get an honest answer, you are ALL under suspicion.

I know it IS quite possible for men to NOT know where to aim their thingys, (I believe I’ve said once or twice, “You missed the hole.”) But sex is a completely different matter. Peeing is something you’ve been doing since birth, so there is no reason that after all this time, you don’t know what you’re doing.

So the only other excuse I come up with is- you just don’t give a shit.

And in that case, I say, “FUCK YOU.”

It is not the complete joy of my life to mop up a pile of misguided piss every night at work simply because you lack the manners to aim.

If I have to stand there with my whip and MAKE you aim correctly, I will.

But I somehow don’t think you want that.

If you do not take into consideration that a girl as nice as me has to clean up your bodily waste matter, the next male I see come out of the bathroom, I WILL MAKE YOU LICK IT UP!!!!! I bet you won’t let that happen again.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Except, please make sure you wash your hands after you pee in the designated area. Thank you.

Dream Rape

So, I would like to state that I have never found the thought of Ashton Kutcher naked a charming or alluring thought. Which may be the reason I was greatly disturbed upon awaking from slumber last night.

Let me explain.

Ashton made an appearance in one of my dreams last night. Sadly, I was going to write about my other dream, which was truly frightening, but it seems to have slipped my mind. So you get the Ashton dream.

I don’t really remember the whole thing, except that I had just moved into an apartment that resembled a Motel 6 room. (Creepy.) There was something having to do with hiding from some people who were after me, and then- there was Ashton. Apparently he was in the same situation of hiding as I. So here we were in this tiny apartment place, and then we were doing it. Very rambunctiously, I might add.

(I will clear up here that I have had only 2 other sex dreams in my life- one of them being not actual sex, but a dream with a shirtless Chris Meloni, so the fact that I started going at it hardcore with Ashton Kutcher in a dream has shaken me to my core.)

While we were making the bed bang up against the wall, (I said hardcore, and I meant it.) we were laughing and giggling, and then I heard a voice in my head say, “You guys are too in love, you’d never be able to make a porn outta this.”

(I wish to be clear again, I am NOT in any way in love with Ashton.)

But after the voice in my head said that, (I’m glad the voices make appearances in my dreams too and not just in real life) I started thinking, I bet I could get Ashton to shave and cut his hair and resemble someone who is not a goon. Why would I think THAT in the middle of him sticking his un-requested boner in me, I wonder?

Anyhoo, that’s all I can remember of my dream, but again I maintain that Ashton Kutcher raped me in my dream. Even if I DID enjoy it.

P.S. If it would have been the sexy Calvin Klein model Ashton of yesteryears, I perhaps wouldn’t have minded so much; but it wasn’t. It was the un-washed scruffy version of Ashton from Two and a Half Men. Blech.