Happy Friday the 13th, my Lovelys! I hope that you make it through the day without breaking any mirrors or having black cats cross your path. Being an individual who is always properly prepared for the unexpected (OK, that’s not exactly true, but I go with the flow quite well) I decided to compose a list of bad luck things that could possibly go wrong on this Friday the 13th. (Just so I’m not surprised in any way):
1.The wives and girlfriends of my former lovers could find out about their significant others’ indiscrections and band together to come and Get me. (A gang of Scorned Women could be utterly terrifying.)
2. A zombie apocalypse could occur before I have had the chance to properly administer a boob-squish to Chris Meloni. (That would be bad luck for us both, I think.)
3. Darth Vadar could show up, saying, “Sparklebumps… I am your father.” Therefore confirming my suspicions of bastardization.
4. The IRS could find out about my newly opened checking account and make off with my $2.31.
5. Megan Fox and/or Salma Hayek could show up at my door with the intent of robbing me of my Rockstar. (He assures me if this was to happen, he wouldn’t go along with them, because they’re not real. I don’t believe him for a second.)
6. My boss Frenchie could fire me because he has decided my bossing him around is getting old. (Or that looking at my ass is getting old.)
7. I could go to jail for trying to bribe an officer with cleavage if I happen to get pulled over for speeding while driving to work.
8. My new friend Delightfulness could find out that I am, in fact, a psychopath, and withdraw her friendship.
9. My blog followers could finally realize that I truly have no writing talent, and desist reading; therefore making my site stats drop dramatically (which they seem to be doing anyway) and bringing me to the realization that I shall have to abandon dreams of a writing career and settle for Pizza Sluttism for good.
10. I could get home tonight and NOT have mind-blowing sex with my Rockstar. (Highly likely since I work until after he goes to bed.)
11. The Skin Man, or other assorted creepers, could find out where I work now and begin stalking me again.
12. I could somehow bang my head and end up in a coma, where I would be unable to leave my hospital bed when I could hear my friends and family that have gathered around me crunching annoyingly on snack foods, awaiting my awakening.
13. My books could catch on fire from an electrical spark coming from the cord of my vibrator while it’s charging.
14. My Rockstar’s almost-model ex-wife could hunt him down and want him back, and he could realize he is still desperately in love with her and she is not, in fact, a “stupid cunt.” (His words.)
15. I could once again, find a puddle of piss in front of the urinal at work tonight when I’m cleaning. (Highly likely, since no one admitted to being the guilty party after yesterday’s rant.)
16. I could come home to find my Rockstar wearing nothing but my undies and a pair of my sparkly heels. (When I think about it, this might not be such a bad thing…)
17. Alien life-forms could suck me up in their beam and administer an anal probe. (I might be ok with this if they look like the aliens from Signs; but if they look like the aliens from Independence Day, I shall surely die of fright. *shudder*)
18. Jon Bon Jovi could come out with another album. (We’ve already had Van Halen come out with a new single this week. That’s bad luck enough.)
19. I could hear a Taylor Swift song on the radio. Or see her on a magazine.
20. McDonald’s could decide to change their French fries.
21. I could choke on Man Juice and perish after giving my Rockstar a blow job. (Highly unlikely, but possible, I suppose.)
Good Luck to you all. XOXO