The Truth About Facebook

I have mixed feeling about Facebook.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s just an excuse for everyone to say, “Hey! Look at me! I’m so great and wonderful and I post ALL these pictures to make you guys  THINK that I’m one of those people who DO stuff. I’m so beautiful and photogenic, and I fully intend to make you realize that!”

Yes, I am bitter.

I am bitter because no matter how many pictures my Facebook buddies post of me, EVERY SINGLE ONE looks like shit. I realize that I am not a skinny minnie, but for chrissake! Do they HAVE to post the pictures of me that make me look like I’m in the third tri-mester of my pregnancy with a whale?! These people are supposed to be my friends! What the hell?!

I am quite certain there are at least one or two good pictures out there of me, so why do my “Friends” insist on posting these horrendous photos? I will tell you why.

Because they want to make themselves look better.

I am their Facebook D.U.F.F.

For those of you who don’t know, a D.U.F.F. is a Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

I know this is what these people are doing, because I’ve had DUFFs in the past.

The difference is my DUFFs were not picked specifically to be DUFFs. They were my friends, and OTHER people informed me that they were DUFFs. I only saw them as my beautiful friends.

And I would NEVER EVER have posted pictures of them without their approval.

Moving on.

I have an appropriate amount of Facebook friends, I think.

Just over a hundred. I see no need to hike up my self-esteem by claiming every single person I’ve met in my life, including the woman who gave my mom the ultra-sound when she was pregnant with me as a Facebook friend. If I don’t still know you (or if you went to the same school as I did 10 years after me) I feel no need to approve your friend request.

And here’s the thing. I thought Facebook was a place to get in touch with people you liked. So why the hell do people go offline THE second I try to chat with them? If you don’t want to talk to me, then why the hell did you add me as your friend? If it was just to creep through my posted pictures, We’ve already established there are no good ones for you to look at. So just delete me already and be done with it.

Next- a confession.

Yes, I creep through people’s pictures. I especially find joy in looking through people’s wedding photos to see what kind of wedding they had. (I have a weird obssession with weddings. I’m quite certain that if they didn’t cost so much, I would have one every year.)  I do find it slightly disturbing that so many people are getting married nowadays- has this been going on for a long time and I never noticed? I also like to see photos of the boys I had crushes on, and the women that they ended up with; which I then think evil thoughts about in my head. (Such as- she has back fat. I’m cuter than her. I am also quite certain these women are saying the same things about me.) Also, do normal people always go on vacations EVERY year? Because I haven’t been on a real vacation since 1997 when I went to Tennessee with my parents and swam in a 4 person jacuzzi tub. Damn all you people and your fabulous vacations!

I DO like to look at my Facebook friends’ pictures when they are into photogrophy, or have gotten a new camera. After all, I love pretty things.

About the games- WTF?! Do you people have nothing better to do than feed virtual pigs and pretend to be mafia goons? NO, I do NOT want to help you get 7 more acres for your Farmville farm, because I would much rather go to work to save money for my own REAL farm. (Where I shall have a fainting goat and a peacock.) And anyway, shouldn’t you be having sex with you significant other, or learning to cook, or some other semi-useful thing?

I will admit, it is nice to see that Bob, or Henry, or Gloria have cancer, or have gotten engaged, or have died. Although, if I am not worthy of a phone call at these fine Life Moments, I have this feeling that you are somewhat dead to me already. Don’t you agree?

Lastly, it seems that Facebook is a place where any individual may go and blab all about themselves and their wonderful life, so I just don’t see the point. After all- I have a blog for that. XOXO

 

A Letter to A Ten- Year Old Me

Dear ten-year old version of Sparklebumps,

I wanted to wrote this letter to you because I figured it might be easier to get through some of the shit that’s coming if you have some kind of idea…

I want to let you know that even though you are a complete chub right now, when you’re about 15, you’re going to be anorexic for awhile. Your goal weight is going to be 88 lbs. but the lowest you’re going to get is 95  lbs. Don’t worry, you don’t get sent to a hospital or anything, even though Mom threatens you with that a few times just to try to get you to eat. When those two girls laugh at you because you’re 130 lbs. right now, just brush it off. (I know you won’t though.)  So you know, you pretty much only eat candy for all of 1996. You’ll stay pretty skinny until you’re 23 or so, and then you’ll realize that there comes a moment of complete joy from eating an entire large pizza by yourself. You don’t turn into a complete fat-ass, but you’ll end up with a little bit of extra baggage. The boys don’t seem to mind…

That reminds me. You’re done growing up. You might be the tallest person in your class right now, but get used to this height, because we don’t get any taller. 5’3″ is it, baby! It sometimes makes it hard to reach things on top shelves, but there are step stools and tall men to help you with that, and you’ll get pretty used to wearing tall heels.

You’ll get rid of the big plastic glasses too. Mom and Dad will let you get contacts in a couple of years, but for now, you’re just going to have to look like a dork. Don’t worry,  there aren’t too many pictures of you at age 10.

I know your looks really bother you right now, and I’m sorry to say that your worries about your looks don’t go away. Mirrors are still our enemy, even when we’re 30. But  I am happy to report that you don’t stay an ugly duckling. You don’t exactly turn into a swan- maybe something more like a Canadian goose.

I’m not really sure why you’re so into dressing like a boy, because as you get older, the complete opposite is true. Relish the boy sneakers and baggy t-shirts while you can, because pretty soon, you never wear anything that doesn’t have a heel.

Keep playing piano, even though it’s a pain in the ass now. It ends up being a weird talent that comes in handy, and a good conversation starter for when you finally meet our Rockstar.

You will not automatically go to hell if you give away your virginity, despite how much time Dad tries to convince you otherwise. I just wanted to clear that up right now. I also wanted to say that you will not be ruined when you DO give it up, and someone will still want you. Dad kinda freaks out on you a little bit (that’s an understatement) when he finds out you’re not a virgin anymore- I believe his exact wording is, “You’re completely ruined now and no man is EVER going to want you now!” I give you props if you tell him to go fuck himself when he says that.

About Dad- things don’t really get better with him. He just gets older and more crotchety. But at least he moves to New Mexico, so you don’t have to see him much.

I will tell you- boys aren’t everything, but they certainly make life more interesting. And you eventually develop histrionic personality disorder, so you love the attention you get from them. I gotta tell you, though, around 28 and 29, life gets pretty hairy for a bit from all the guys that are hanging around and trying to convince you to do them. I’m not really sure what that’s all about. Just go with the flow…

That reminds me- you’ll have at least one failed marriage. But it’s not all bad. He just forgets for awhile how much he loves you, and he doesn’t remember until it’s too late. You stay friends though, and he will still send you texts saying how much fun you were. Oh, and your pink wedding dress is AWESOME.

I suppose I should mention, too- that boy you like right now- you don’t end up with him. You really did fall in love at first sight with him, and when you’re 16 it gets really tough for awhile because you guys end up as great friends and you try to set him up with one of your girls. For the record- he doesn’t end up with her either. He DOES keep all the notes and letters you send him, though, at least for awhile. He ends up with a blonde and has a beautiful family with two adorable boys who look exactly like him. Damn that blonde!

I must warn you- you never get over your book obssession. It gets pretty bad.

I’m not sure if we’ll make it out of Minnesota, because I’m still working on that, but you end up not minding it so much after you meet our Rockstar.

About him- he just needs some lovin’. So don’t get too upset when he calls you a stupid cunt that one time in the beginning, because he’s just jaded at that point. All you have to do is state that if he says that once more, you will punch him in the nose and he will never see you again. Trust me. He doesn’t say it again. He ends up being a really good guy, and the sex is AMAZING, but you don’t have to know about that yet.

You are meant to be a writer. Don’t ever forget that. Even if you have to be a waitress and a job coach and a book bitch and a JC Penney associate and a pizza slut first.

I think that’s about all you need to know now, but just remember- Love is the thing; you won’t ever regret giving someone a hug; God likes to fuck with you, but He’s still a Cool Dude; the more you sing badly, the better you get; and stay away from lactose products. XOXO

Love,

An older but not necessarily- wiser You.

P.S. Yes, the boobs get bigger. Alarmingly so.