The Story of Jonah- A Translation

So awhile back I was inspired to translate the 10 commandments for the common fol who perhaps don’t know how to speak King James. Here’s the story of Jonah, which I chose because I got to hear it at church on Sunday:

So Jonah was kickin’ back  having a beer, when God spoke to him, saying, “Alright, Dude, listen up. I want you to go to Ninevah and tell them about Me. The people there are pissin’ me right off and I’m going to blow the shit outta them if they don’t repent.”

Jonah thought to himself, “Fuck that shit. Ninevah is Crime Central. If I go there, I’ll prolly get ass-raped, or someone will steall all my beer money.”

So Jonah decided to ignore God and got on a ship headed in the opposite direction.

That pissed God off, and He thought, “What the fuck, Jonah? I’m the boss here. I’ll show you what happens when you don’t do what I say, dumbass.”

So God created a huge strom, and the seamen (heehee, I said semen!) freaked out because they thought they were all going to die. They found Jonah taking a nap downstairs and kicked him, saying, “Get up, you fucker! What are ya thinkin’? Get busy praying so we don’t have a Titanic incident.”

Jonah  said, “Aw shit, dudes. This storm is my fault.”

Then the seamen (haha!) were like, “Well waht are we gonna do with you?”

Jonah shrugged. “Well, God’ll prolly stop this storm if you guys throw me overboard…”

The seamen liked Jonah, so they didn’t really want to toss him into the sea, but they didn’t want to die either, so they did.

Then God sent a huge fish to swallow Jonah whole, and Jonah had to sit in the stinky rank-pussy smelling fish belly for three days.

While gagging from the smell, Jonah prayed to God. “God, I fucked up. Seriously, dude, if you get me outta here, I will do whatever you say, because

it reeks pretty bad in here.

God was listening, and He made the fish up-chuck. With a giant belch, the fish threw up and Jonah was tossed with a bunch of algae and shit onto dry land.

“Are you gonna do what I told you to now, you little shit?” God said to Jonah.

“Yes! I don’t wanna go through all that shit again, do I?” So Jonah went to Ninevah and yelled at all the people- “Listen up! Quit your whoring around and your gambling and whatnot, or God’s gonna wipe you out!” All the people saw what a wreck Jonah was, and they could smell him from a mile away, so they figured he was telling the truth. So they put on really bad clothes and repented, and God didn’t kill ’em all.

The End