Daily Archives: January 25, 2012

Now It’s Blake Shelton’s Bulge…


As if Joe DiMaggio’s Penis wasn’t enough.

Let me ask you something? Do I really write about celebrity cock that much? Once again, the search terms that have led strangers to my blog door have been piling up. If you didn’t think they could get any weirder, think again. I’ve already mentioned:

Blake Shelton’s Bulge: Kudos to you, Miranda Lambert. I assume the newlywed sex you’ve been having has been quite outstanding, since Blake has a bulge and all. However, I must ask you this- Do you put a bag over his head so you don’t have to look into his buggy eyes during?

Along those lines:

Watch masturbation man: Along with Blow Dry Asshole, I believe Masturbation Man would be an excellent addition to the Sparklebump’s Superhero Justice League. Although, safety glasses may be required when watching him, since getting that stuff in your eye stings. Another great superhero would be:

Before Breakfast Stud: I believe every woman and every gay man should have one of these. Personally, I don’t eat breakfast very often, so what I really need is a Before Lunch Stud; really, though, I wouldn’t mind having both. My only question is,  does he bring you pancakes and coffee after he’s completed his studly duties? I certainly hope so.

Moving on to other search terms, but not away from sexually explicit ones:

Table Dancing Diaries: I am quite certain this would have been the title of my memoir if I had lived The Life I Didn’t Live and had moved to Vegas. With that in mind, I think they probably would have made a kid’s show based on my life called:

Super Slut Cartoon: I, for one, would find a cartoon slut extremely entertaining, wouldn’t you? But I suppose it really wouldn’t be a children’s show. It would be about a girl named Sparklebumps, and how

She would like to get fucked: because, let’s face it. If it’s based on me, you know there’s nothing I would like more.

Enough about me now. It’s time for more lovely search terms:

The real truth about Facebook sex: I will tell you the real truth. Some under-aged inexperienced guys get a big thrill out of it, (or so I’ve heard) but really, typing, “I want your dick in my pussy” isn’t the same as actually HAVING a dick in your pussy. This I know for certain.

Mom loves cock hot sex fuck: Well, this search term to me makes sense. After all, she probably wouldn’t be a mom if she liked cooch hot sex fuck. I DO understand the allure of MILFs, even if some of you don’t.

Here’s one I had to think about for a second…

fat happy carousel pussy: First of all, I hear that some guys prefer a fat pussy, (although I’m not quite sure what the definition of that is) but I could see how the up- and -down motion of a carousel could make a pussy very happy. Sadly, I think you’d have to restrain yourself somewhat if you got that kind of a thrill on an actual carousel. (The kids and stuff probably wouldn’t know what was going on.)

Hell pizza: I don’t think there really is such a thing. After all, if there were pizza in Hell, it wouldn’t be hell, now would it?

Giblet in Romeo and Juliet: Having read this play and having seen numerous productions of it as well, I can say with utter certainty that there were, in fact, no giblets mentioned in Romeo and Juliet. It would have been interesting to have the Capulets and the Montegues fighting over giblets at the party though…

And for my favorite fucked up search term of the day…

What is another word for dumbass: I am so glad that whoever entered this search term was directed to my blog, because I truly have a plethora of synonyms for Dumbass, mainly- asshat, fucktard (thank Brainrants for that one), poophead, cocksucker, Boss, fuckerbutt, assbucket, stupiddumb (that one was from junior high) and lastly, men. (Sorry, men.)

 

 

 

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An Open Letter to Those Who Bring Happiness


Dear Maya Angelou- I appreciate you putting into poetry the words I so forcefully think in my head- “Life doesn’t frighten me, no not at all.” Even though there are times when life makes me want to crawl into a six foot hole dragging the dirt in after me. But nevermind about that.

Dear Lady Gaga- I greatly look up to you and your bizzare get-ups. I adore the fact that you don’t seem to care how scary you end up looking, and that you are still at the top of the charts while doing so. It will make it much easier for me to become famous now, because nobody will be looking at my style faux-pas; they will all be looking at you.

Dear my Incredible Auntie- When people say that we look exactly the same, I do not cringe, because I aspire to look like anyone who has fantastic kids like yours, has her own business that she enjoys immensely, and isn’t afraid to pray- “Dear Jesus, thank you for chow mein.”

Dear Audrey Hepburn- Thank you, thank you, thank you, for being beautiful and amazing and classy. You are proof that one or two failed marriages is not something to worry over, and proof that a “princess” is not just someone you can play in a movie. I am saddened that you are dead, because it would have been nice to meet you.

Dear Gramma- Despite the fact that you have grown increasingly blunt in recent years, I find it quite humorous when you truthfully tell me that my choice in hair color is “hideous.” I would like to inform you once again that as a child, my hair was blonde, and it never has, in fact, been beautifully natural black like you tell everyone it is. I think you are confusing me with my half-sister. Thank you for being always honest- even if it is in an Alzheimer’s patient kind of way.

Dear Prince (to clarify- the artist formerly known and once again known as)- I want to thank you for noticing that “all that glitters ain’t gold.” and for your funky falsetto, as it has greatly entertained me for many years. I find you to be immensely talented; however, I regret to inform you that though I would love to be a guest on one of your albums, I will not be asking you to produce my debut album. Your style is a little bit too messy for my taste. Kudos on the Under the Cherry Moon soundtrack though.

Dear H.E Ellis– Even though my Rockstar doesn’t find me worthy of marriage, I know you are out there ready to marry me whenever you turn lesbian. You are very good for my ego.  XOXO

Dear numerous candy-producing companies- Without you, I would have drifted through life without the benefit of sugar-induced energy. Thank you for providing me with Starburst, Butterfingers, Milky Ways, Laffy Taffy, Blow Pops (which also served me in my first attempts at learning how to give a blow job), 5th Avenues, etc…

Dear Jim Beam and Co.- Thank you for providing liquor strong enough to get my Rockstar jumping on the bed with his guitar. Also,  with your help, I found out he can sing just like Sinnead O’Connor. That was a little bit disturbing, but highly entertaining. It  gave me good fodder with which to tease him mercilessly.  You also induced the most amazing drunken sex I’ve ever had. Thank you again for that.

Dear Chris Meloni- Thank you for your beautiful scowl. And other beautiful parts of you.

XOXO,

Sparklebumps

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