Monthly Archives: February 2012

The Oscars MY Way


Aright, enough about me. I can see how multiple posts about myself could get irritating. And so, since the Oscars have just happened, and the most exciting thing to watch was Angelina pose awkwardly in her slitted gown, I have decided to hand out awards the way I think they should be handed out. This encompasses all of film and is not limited to just this year. There may be a few awards you’re not quite familiar with…

Best Romantic Comedy: Just Married– Before Ashton Kutcher was over-rated and before Brittany Murphy was dead.

Most Depressing Yet Inspiring Movie: My First Mister– A little more depressing than it is inspiring, I am quite melancholy for at least three days after watching it.

Best Rerun Movie: Independence Day- It also happens to have the best aliens.

Best Musical: Newsies– Before Christian Bale was Batman, he was in a little Disney movie where he sang with a New York accent.

Best Animated Film: The Little Mermaid– Because it is so colorfully wonderful and beautiful and I could never get sick of it.

Moving on to individual performances…

Best Boobs– Anne Hathaway in Havoc. I bet you thought I was going to say Angelina, didn’t you? Just wait.

Best Realistic Sex Scene-This is a tie.  Angelina and Antonio Banderas in Original Sin/ or Angelina and Ethan Hawke in Taking Lives. What can I say? The woman’s a natural.

Best Lesbian Scene– Here we go again. Angelina in Gia (The unrated version). (I’m really not biased, check it out for yourself.)

Best Vampire Performance- Tom Cruise as Lestat in Interview With A Vampire. He perfectly nailed the character, and it also happens to be the only movie I can stand him in.

Most Endearing Performance– This is for you, Edward Hotspur. Salma Hayak in Fools Rush In. Who WOULDN’T want to marry her in this movie?

Best Comedic Performance- Jack Nicholson in Anger Management/ and Jack Black in School of Rock. I believe these two characters should duke it out for the honor and have a Battle of the Bands in an Anger Management class.

Best Ugly Transformation- Charlize Theron in Monster. How did they get someone so beautiful to look so awful?!

Most Beautiful in a Performance- Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. You find me one person in the world who says she doesn’t look stunning in the last scene of that movie.

Best Villian– Dustin Hoffman in Hook. And yet he is almost likeable.

Best Musical Performance– Gerard Butler in Phantom of the Opera. It doesn’t matter HOW he looked. His voice did the talking. (Or technically, the singing.)

Best Literary Character Performance– Megan Follows as Anne of Green Gables. Maybe she’s more famous in Canada, because I haven’t seen her since.

Best Supporting Actress- Shirley MacLaine as Ouiser in Steel Magnolias. “I’m pleasant, dammit!”

Best Supporting Actor– Mandy Patinkin as Inigo Montoya inThe Princess Bride. “You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.”

Best Performance by a Child– Elijah Wood as Huck Finn. Also the only thing that he’s done where he hasn’t bothered me.

Most Dedicated Performance- This is a three-way tie:

Christian Bale in The Machinist. Because he really did get down to 119 pounds.

Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. Because he, well, he died.

Christina Ricci in Afterlife. Because she went through almost the entire movie naked and didn’t even flinch.

Best Career Actress- Julie Andrews. Because anyone who can play Mary Poppins, a nun, a transvestite, Peter Pan, and the Queen of Genovia is frickin’ awesome. And she is still gorgeous, even though she’s 107.

Best Career Actor– John Malkovich. Because I cannot name one specific movie that he’s been in, but he pops up in the most unexpected places and always gives the performance of his life.

Ok, I guess that about does it for the Oscars MY way. I really think I should be part of the group who decides who gets what.

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Versatility Is My Middle Name


Here is the final post of my All About Me series. (Ok, let’s face it- there will never be a final post about me- but anyhoo…) Thanks to Archon hiding in his Den, you shall now know 7 things about me that you didn’t know before. And Archon, you may have a booby squeeze whenever you come an’ get it, but I regret to inform you that it will be slightly less enthusiastic than Chris Meloni’s, since you are, in fact, NOT Chris Meloni. (Believe me, I am as upset about that as you are.)

On to trivia about me… (I should really design a board game about me… can you imagine how sparkly and pink it would be?!)

1. I remember well the very first porn I witnessed. While I do not recall the exact point of it, I seem to remember something about strippers and ping pong balls shooting out of cooches. I also recall my friend laughing at me when I ended up running to the bathroom and throwing up after watching such things. I think the visual sequences were a bit much for my 7 year old brain.

2. I became a born-again Christian when I was 4. It was after Sunday School at the place where I had daycare, and the good old fire-and-brimstone preaching of the Baptists had my 4 year old self terrified of swimming in a lake of fire for all eternity. I still believe Christ died for me, but I also embrace all other religions, because, after all, who am I to decide which one is right?

3. I have wondered on occassion what it would be like to kill someone. No, I do not intend to find out for myself, but I mention this only because I know I’m not the only one. I’m just the only one willing to admit it.

4. I have never taken drugs, nor do I plan on it, but I have decided that if I ever did, heroin would be my first choice. I do not know why, except that if I’m going to indulge, I might as well start with the really bad stuff.

5. My knees can never be considered beautiful, because they sport numerous scars from living the life of an accident-prone child. The worst one came from running down a grass hill as full speed and totally biffing it as soon as I hit the concrete. There is a reason why I look best on my knees…

6. When looking for love, I do not gender-discriminate. In my life I have been in love with exactly 2 women and 3 men. It just happens that the women I fall in love with don’t swing that way.

7. I am not, at any time, ok with people taking french fries and other assorted foody goodness off my plate “just to try it” when I am at a restaurant. If you want some french fries, fucking order some. My french fries are MY french fries. And my ranch dressing is NOT for you!

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Tag, I’m It


Here is the sequal to my post from earlier today. Breezy K over in Canada tagged me, and here are her questions that I have answered, since you all still don’t know enough about me:

1. Are you left or right-handed? Do you play into either stereotype?

I am right-handed when writing, however, while masturbating or giving hand jobs, I use my left hand for some reason.

As far as stereo-types go, the only one I know of is that supposedly left-handed people are smarter. Since I am smarter than most people, (and definitely smarter that any leftys I’ve known) clearly I do not play into that stereotype.

2. Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert?

I am an introvert posing as an extrovert. What that means is that extrovertism is my defense mechanism  (ha, that rhymed) and if you asked anyone that knows me, they would never say that I am shy, because only I know the truth.

3. Who would win in a fight between a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco?

Grilled cheese, hands down. The best way to judge the strength of foods is to see what it does to your poops. And since consuming multiple grilled cheeses would cease a normal person’s ability to poop, I would say that is a pretty good deciding factor, wouldn’t you? (By the way, I poops at parties sos nobody knows it.)

4. Who is your favourite Kardashian sister and why? (AND DON”T SAY NO ONE)

I shall have to say Khloe, because she is the only one I know the name of besides Kim, and I detest Kim. (I’m sorry, Breezy!)

5. Do you write anything else outside of your blog?

I wrote a short story that’s being published, thanks to Gillian Colbert, and I’ve written lots of other stuff. Sadly, all the other stuff is imprisoned in my head.

6. Are you a vegetarian? have you tried meat substitutes?

I have considered becoming a vegetarian because most of the time the thought of eating something that previously had a face gets to me if I think about it too much. That and the fact that the only real meat I like anyway is turkey and chicken. Oh, and Man Meat. But I try not to use my teeth on that….

7. Who is your biggest role model/inspiration in life?

This is a toughy for me, because I strive to not be like anyone else… but Dolly Parton, Audrey Hepburn, and Mother Theresa come to mind.

8. What is your favourite junk food?

I cannot answer this question, as most of the food that I consume is considered junk by most people. I, on the other hand, just consider it sustanence.

9. Who is your favourite band/singer? and have you seen them in concert?

My favorite singer is Martina McBride, because she sings like an angel; and yes, I’ve seen her in concert 3 times, and cried every single time.

My favorite band is Black Stone Cherry, because they have yet to write a song I don’t like. I actually just found out that they’re coming to town soon, but sadly, their tickets are exhorbitantly priced…. I shall take any donations offered if anyone should like me to witness their fantastical musical abilities.

10. Do you have any brothers or sisters?

I have two sisters that I haven’t seen in over a decade, and a brother who is my best friend. I believe if all four of us were to converge in one place, the fucked-up-edness of all of us combined would make the world implode.

11. What is your favourite (non-sexual) thing about the opposite sex?

Non-sexual…. non-sexual…. hmmm….I suppose I love the fact that guys can hang out and meet new guys without being completely obvious about the fact that they think they’re better than the other guy. Women, on the other hand, get all bitchy and cuntish if they are threatened by another woman. (Except for me, because I love everybody and don’t feel threatened because I am so obviously superior to all. 😉  )

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It’s All About Me


As if you all didn’t already know that… Anyhoo, it seems people cannot get enough of reading useless facts about me, or they would be tagging me and Versatiling (I just made that a word) me. I would like all my fans to know that I haven’t been ignoring their nominations and tags- I’ve just busy lately. There are so many rules regarding the tagging and Versatile Blogger Award, and since rules are meant to be broken, I am the perfect person to be breaking them. (And I am much too lazy to actually complete all the rules. So what I intend to do is go through and pick and choose which rules I shall follow. Thanks to those who tagged me and nominated me, because without you I will still be talking about myself, it would just look much more self-absorbed.

Firstly, Megan over at VeryNormal tagged me with these questions:

1. The best moment of your life?

I am quite certain this hasn’t happened yet, because I haven’t had the opportunity to be alone with Chris Meloni,  so until it does, I shall combine all the almost-best moments of my life- every time I purchase a new used book, every time I have an orgasm while sitting on my Rockstar’s boner, every time I get a hug from my special friend Delightful… you get the picture.

2. The worst moment of your life?

I am absolutely sure this has not happened yet, but the moment that comes to mind is- a couple years ago, a month or so after leaving my husband, I was sitting in my completely empty rented apartment and my Rockstar had said he needed a night to himself. I was feeling incredibly lonely, and when I’m alone I think too much. And though I knew I did the right thing by leaving my husband, I was missing him. So I sat in my empty apartment and cried for the things that weren’t, and the things that were, and the things that had been and could have been. Poor me. What is ironic is the whole situation was of my own doing.

3. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?

I would have told my ex-manager that was a moron that he was, in fact, a moron to his face as I was getting fired instead of just writing it in my blog.

4. If you could go back and tell someone how you really felt when you didn’t, who would it be?

I suppose the above could have been put here, but I’ll think of another.

I would have told the boy I fell in love with at first sight and stayed in love with all through high school that I loved him. We would have been married now, or so I like to imagine.

5. If there was someone who you could tell how you really felt now who would it be?

This is kind of the same question, and so I would like to say that because of the above answer, I now tell people exactly what I feel whenever I’m feeling it.

6. Your greatest achievement?

Getting you people to read my blog. I still don’t know how I did it.

7. Someone you wanted to be proud of you who weren’t?

I suppose at one time I wanted my dad to be proud of me, but he wasn’t and isn’t, because according to him I’m the Devil, and according to me, he’s an asshole.

8. List the best people in your life right now.

My beloved friend, Delightful, because she is always there for me, and she is always excited to see me, and she is amazing.

My beloved Rockstar, because he loves me. (I know this because even though I have taken over his apartment with bookshelves, he let me know that bookshelves are on sale at Fleet Farm this week.)

My beloved Auntie, who never runs out of things to say, even when I do.

My beloved blog readers, because without them, I would just be writing for myself.

9. Your joy in life is…

Making people smile. And french fries. And shoes. And hugs. And books.  (Was I only supposed to pick one?)

10. What you wish you could do but cannot?

Break out in a foreign accent at any given time. This would be completely useless, but highly entertaining. When I try it, I just end up sounding like a pirate. Aaargh!

11. If I gave you an airline ticket for anywhere in the world were would you go?

If you gave me a ticket, Megan, I would feel compelled to come visit you. If you were busy, I’d hop a plane on over to Ireland, because I need to start looking for a castle to live in.

I guess this is going to have to be a three-part series. Hooray for you that you get to know so much about me!

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It Is An Honor, Sir Anthony Hopkins


To you, Sir Anthony Hopkins, the most highly-esteemed,

I have decided to compose this letter to convey the gratitude I feel to you for gracing the world with your unrivalled acting skills. It is only you, Sir Tony, who is able to portray a horrifically disturbed cannibal such as Hannibal Lector and still have enough charisma to make me want to dine with you. (Minus any human-based hors d’oeuvres)

Despite your ripened age, you seem to be unaltered- that may be partially due to the fact that you have looked old for many years, much like Willie Nelson. Your work ethic is admirable; you seem to be unslowed in recent years, still portraying demented and fantastic characters, such as the demon-possessed priest in The Rite– only you, Tony, could play an 80 year old man with the Devil inside of him with such refinement. And though you are not particularily attractive, I find myself drawn to you in a slightly perverse Anna-Nicole Smith- sort of way.

Perhaps it is because the of the moment in Legends of the Fall after you had had a stroke and you were so filled with joy at having your family reunited that makes you so alluring to me. Even though you went through the second half of that movie looking unwashed and sporting a stogie while being completely unintelligable, you made me want to sit down on your lap and have a conversation with you.

I was slightly disturbed by your performance as C.S. Lewis in Shadowlands, however. While The Chronicles of Narnia are among my top favorite children’s books, I very much disliked your emotionally-stunted C.S. Do not get me wrong, your work was stellar- I just prefer you as a highly-intelligent cannibal instead of a man not quite in touch with his emotions.

That reminds me, too, of your Van Helsing in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Your excitement at discovering “the whore of the Devil” was made complete by your crazed dance. I should like to dance crazed with you at any time if you should so feel the need for company.

Since you are a Sir, Sir Anthony, I am assuming that you own a castle, or something comparable to a castle. If you need a maid, or a mistress with a supply of Viagra, or a mistress dressed as a maid with a supply of Viagra, I am your gal. If you need someone to play opposite you in a movie where you play a deranged cannibal or a demented doctor, I will gladly do that as well.

Your Truly,

Sparklebumps

 

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Bragging Rights


I feel like I got run over by a pack of Disney elephants. That in no way hindered me from performing a stellar blow job this morning that took less than 1 minute to complete. Sometimes I forget how good I am…

P.S. I will clarify that the shortness of time it took to perform said blow job has nothing to do with my Rockstar’s ability to last long.

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“Breaking Dawn”: A Review


In another life, I believe that I should have been a movie critic. My belief is only confirmed when, year after year, completely uninteresting movies are nominated for Oscars (the exception being Inglorious Bastards. That movie kicked ass.) Anyhoo, time for a review.

I may have mentioned once or twice the utter abhorrence for Stephanie Meyer writings, and I do not recall if I mentioned the loathing I have for movies with “Twilight” in the title. That in no way impedes me from having watched all the Twilight movies to date. Call me masochistic, but I for some reason cannot halt myself from wasting 2 hours of my life that I KNOW will be wasted each time another chapter of this ridiculous Pale Skin/Doggy-style/Lack of Personality love triangle unfolds on screen.

I am proud to say that I restrained myself from wasting my hard-earned $9 an hour at the theatre for this last one, and waited patiently for it to come to Red Box. My embarrassment at renting such a load of crap was kept to a bare minimum, since I ventured to Red Box in the dead of night after closing at work last night.

I must admit, while reading Breaking Dawn a few years ago, I couldn’t put it down. Simply for the fact that I couldn’t believe the storyline could get any worse than it had in the 3 previous books. How wrong I was. I honestly believe the book should be kept in the HUMOR section of any good bookstore, because there were many instances when I burst into uncontrollable laughter. But we are not talking about the book.

I awoke this morning a bit groggy, until I remembered that I had rented such a deliciously foolish film to waste my time with- then I was instantly awake. I served myself up a bowl of the finest Cinnamon Toast Crunch and hunkered down to rot my brain.

The beginning of the movie started off with ugly Bella Swan getting married to an equally ugly Edward Cullen. I forgot to check the credits, but I have no doubt in my mind that Stephanie Meyer contributed to the writing of the screenplay, because it was as badly written as the book. Perhaps some people have a horrific aversion to the idea of marriage, but I have yet to meet an 18 year old girl who is one of them. This being said, Kristen Stewart perfectly portrayed a teen with no personality dreading marriage. She showed no excitement whatsoever over the beautiful wedding provided her (way to marry into money, girl!) Edward, (I’m sorry, I refuse to use the boy who played him’s actual name) equally seemed unthrilled to be marrying such a douchey bride. (Understandably so) I am slightly disappointed in Taylor Laughtner’s performance- he was superb in the first two movies, but I believe the dread of being a part of such a horrendous series has leaked into his acting. (Or maybe he was just sucking so as not to offend the other stars with his superior acting)

Part of the reasoning I had in watching this movie is the promise of seeing vampire sex. As the movies are geared toward young adults, I understood that there wouldn’t be the hard-core ass pounding that there should have been. (Or that I wanted to see) However, I do believe after a century of living like a priest, ANY vampire would have a little bit more reaction than, “Oops, I cracked the bed frame and hit you with a feather pillow.” There should have been AT LEAST one “Fuck yeah! I’m gettin’ laid, baby!” (You are allowed to say “fuck” once in a PG-13 movie) All I can say is, Bella must have been REALLY frickin’ bad in bed to have Edward completely refuse her after breaking the sex seal. (Call me up, Bella. I’ll give you some pointers)

I had thought on occassion, that Kristen Stewart couldn’t really look any worse than she did. (I think it’s the constant look of constipation that gets to me) I was wrong once again.

The story goes that they do sex once and then she is pregnant with a demon baby that is eating her from the inside out. I must say that the computer editing they did to make Bella look skeletal was excellent, she indeed looked worse than she did before. There’s not really too much to say, since they stretched out a book where not much happened into two movies where the same amount of nothing happened. There was alot of “Kill the fetus!” and “I’m keeping my baby!” and “Damn you, Edward! Everything is your fault! If she was with me we’d be having hot dog sex right now.” That is, until the baby was born- then it was, “Damn! That baby’s hot! I’m going to marry her one day!” (The werewolf imprinted on the baby. Don’t even get me started. Just read the book if you want to be greatly disturbed.)

Since it’s been awhile since I read the book, I didn’t recall exactly what went down after the gruesome labor scene (Kudos, Stephanie, you should really write horror), but I knew it was something like Bella almost died, blah, blah, blah.

Just when I was getting thrilled at the possibility that they killed Bella off for good, she opened her damn red eyes.

 

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