Fat Ass


So I was going about my business last night at work trying to get my shit done and get the hell outta there, when Little Miss Attitude (the 18 year old manager who sucks ass that I fully intend on taking all managerial hours from) started a conversation with me.

Sidenote: Little Miss will talk to ANYONE, even me who is almost completely unresponsive to her voice, simply because I do not wish to have my ears assaulted by imbecility. She also lacks the knowledge of a 4th grader, believing Asia is a country- but we will not get started on that.

Little Miss: So I burned 356 calories before work, plus I did a bunch of crunches, and I might work out when I get home.

(For your informations, she also ate 4 meals during her 7 hours shift)

Me: *refusing to state what I just did above*

Little Miss: Do you work out?

Me: Nope. I hate excercise and there are many other things I’d rather waste my time doing.

Little Miss: Wait. Do you like your body?!

(This question was asked in such a way that there is no doubt in my mind that she was implying that I shouldn’t like my body.)

Me: It has it’s good days and bad days, but my clothes still fit and I still have people begging to touch my body.

Little Miss: Well, clothes will always fit. It just depends how big you want your clothes to be.

(Apparently my size is completely offensive to this little bitch, and she is not going to desist in commenting so.)

For some more of your informations, this chic comes to work in a size 7 pants, when she should actually be wearing a size 11. (Which is what I wear) This is a constant source of conversation amongst the employees when she isn’t around, because the squeezing of her fat into too-small of pants makes her look as though she is a balloon on the verge of popping. I, on the other hand, wear the size of pants that actaully FIT me, and do not look like my body is made of plastic-encased pudding.

As I no longer deemed Little Miss’s comments worthy of response, I went about my business once more, but I continued to ponder what she said. This is my un-edited rethought response to her question- “Do you like your body?”  :

My upper arms may look better in a shirt with cap sleeves than sleeveless, but they are able to carry my 85 lb. almost-stepdaughter into bed when she falls asleep in my lap. They are also able to carry 100+ boxes of books up a flight of stairs without any help. They are also capable of giving amazing hugs.

My ass may not fit perfectly in a pair of low-rise jeans, and it may not look like a Victoria’s Secret model’s in a pair of lacy thongs, but it’s just the right size for my Rockstar to have something to grab onto when he’s feeling frisky, and just looking at it drives my boss insane with desire.

My thighs may be the size of Arnold Schwarzzenegger’s torso, but I can proudly take any buff dude to the gym and kick his ass on the squat-thrust machine. They also have faded stretch marks from when I was a chubby kid, but that just reminds me that I’m not as awful looking as I used to be.

My boobies may not be as perky as Pamela Anderson’s implanted ones, but they are still more than a handful for any guy, and I don’t need a Wonderbra to make cleavage because I have more than enough naturally.

My twat (I love that word!) may be “fat” and too completely capable of getting camel-toe, but the surprised response of “You’re so tight!” seems like the one a girl would want to hear.

My calves may look like they belong to an Olympic weight-lifter, but they look great in heels and a skirt, and these legs of mine can walk me to California, or Antarctica,  if a Zombie Apocalypse ensues and we run out of gas.

My lips may not be Angelina-esque, but they are just the right size to keep bullshit and idiocy from falling out of my mouth.

My hands may be calloused, and I will never be able to be a hand model, but they prove that I can work hard and I don’t expect someone else to take care of me (although that would be very nice). The fingers on my hands are surprisingly short and child-like, but I bet your fingers cannot bring people to tears by playing Beethoven’s Grande Sonata.

My shoulders may look like a line-backer’s. but they are just the right size for an 85 lb. 9 year old to sit on.

My neck may not be long and slender, but it’s strong enough to hold up my skull, which encases the most important part of me- my genius brain. This brain is capable of great imaginings, and is full of trivial facts- one of which is that Asia is, in fact, NOT a country.

Yes, I like my body. So there.

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20 Comments

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20 responses to “Fat Ass

  1. If she can’t make it with intellect, she tries to stun you with attitude. Continue ignoring her. It will cut down on the criminal charges, and don’t worry, we love you just the way you are, even if you are a genius.

  2. Ok so here we go, it almost sound like the only way she can feel good about her self is by putting you down. She doesn’t understand why you get the attention you do. We understand it’s because your awesome.
    In her mind she needs to work out, eat right, wear cloths 2 sizes to small because there was that one night with the entire football team under the bleachers at the home coming game she though she was popular. Oh little miss twit if you only knew. Hey just crush her head with your thighs that will show her. And it would be super funny too.
    Keep being you cause that’s just shiny with me.

  3. In a post filled with many brilliant lines, this one was the best: My lips may not be Angelina-esque, but they are just the right size to keep bullshit and idiocy from falling out of my mouth. 🙂

  4. Great post! Little Miss is an immature bitch and will not age gracefully. You, on the other hand, are beautiful both inside and out, you’re confident and intelligent in ways that she’ll never understand. I hate her. You rock.

  5. Do you want me to punch her? I can punch her, I am only 18 so it would be fair, although it might find it strange that some random English girl felt the need to punch her in the face!

  6. This is a kick-ass post, Sparkle, which is not surprising because you are a kick-ass woman!

  7. RFL

    Someone will take this moron out if she doesn’t start keeping her shitty comments to herself. Loved the post. Keep being fabulous.

  8. This bitch sounds like she needs to be drop kicked far far away from you! The audacity, clearly you like your body a lot more than she does, hence why you do not feel the need to work out. Patronizing little shit. Get her told Sparklebumps!

  9. I have never loved you more than I do right at this moment. That Rockstar better marry you before I do. Honestly, I am printing this out and saving it for the next time my daughter comes in crying because everyone picked on her for being so tiny. You’re the best, Sparkles.

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