Instead of dragging you all down with my normal sarcastic responses to the fucked up search terms that bring people my way, I’ve decided to insert them all into a delightful tale that is sure to entertain you all for generations. The search terms will be capitalized and in bold print, so that you will know what my creative mind had to work with. Enjoy! XOXO
Once upon a time, there was a Rockstar who FELL IN LOVE WITH A HISTRIONIC NYMPHO named Sparklebumps. She caught his attention one day when she walked by him on the street and said, “LOOK AT MY FAT ASS!”
He didn’t know how to respond, except to say, “It doesn’t look like PRINCESS LEIA’S ASS IN THE GOLD BIKINI.”
Sparklebumps snorted and said, “Well, you don’t have a CHRIS MELONI BUTT either.”
The Rockstar shrugged and said, “No, but I have a HISTIONIC PENIS that needs alot of attention.”
That was all Sparklebumps needed to hear. She grabbed his SUPERHERO BULGE and whispered sexily into his ear, “Are you ready for the ride of your life, you HORNY HAIRY ASS FUCK ?”
The Rockstar was so turned on by her dirty talk that he wanted to do her right that second, but she pushed him away and said, “Wait, wait! I NEVER WEAR EYESHADOW when I do men. I used to, but when I do, I magically turn into a superhero called BLUE EYESHADOW GIRL .” So she washed her makeup off.
Before they got down to business, Sparklebumps put her hand on the Rockstar’s chest to stop him and asked, “I’m not going to get REBECCA STAMOS X-MEN CROTCH from you, am I?”
Rockstar was confused. “What the heck is that?!”
“It’s the newest STD. Your cootch gets scaly and turns blue.”
The Rockstar waved nonchalantly. “Nah. I’ve only fucked SLUTS IN TRUCKS and they only have diseases like herpes and stuff.”
“Oh. Ok. then.” Sparklebumps the proceeded to administer her a speciality, a CHRIS MELONI BLOWJOB. (That’s a blowjob given with all the enthusiasm usually reserved for good ole’ Chris.)
The Rockstar screamed, “Oh! Oh my! Aaaaah!” when he blew his load, because he was trying to cover up the fact that he normally squealed when he came. Sparklebumps was surprised at his SUPERFICIAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS but she was so tired that she fell asleep immediately.
The next morning, the Rockstar woke her up and handed her a sparkly bag.
“What’s this?” Sparklebumps asked sleepily.
“Oh, I give all my WOMEN BITCHES MORNING AFTER GIFTBAGS. I do have to say though, your ass looked pretty damn good in them yoga pants, and you are frickin’ amazing in bed.”
“EVERYONE CHECKS OUT MY ASS IN YOGA PANTS , but as far as amazing- I WAS TOLD I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO WORK at the Bunny Ranch.”
“Well, I disagree. But anyhoo, do you wanna be in my band? It’s called LEMONPARTY THEMACUSER and we write IRANIAN RACIAL EPITHETS .”
“Yeah, man, I’ll be in your band!. I have a great idea for an album title. What do you think about ‘POKING EYES OUT: THE SOCKET DREAM ?’ We can put a phot of my tits on the cover and that would make perfect sense!”
“Awesome! We can sing about the WOMEN WE’VE FUCKED AND MUSTANGS and our lyrics will make people ask themselves, ‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO A SLUT ?'”
So LEMONPARTY THEMACUSER hit #1 on the Billboard charts with their hit single, “TEAM DRIVER SUCKBUDDY ” and Sparklebumps mentored an all-girl band named the CHRIS MELONI SEVEN who opened for them on tour.
After making billions, Sparklebumps and her Rockstar bought a castle where they lived happily ever after, and the HISTRIONIC PENIS got more than enough attention.