A Life Choice


I’m sorry, my Lovelys. There will be no witty or completely entertaining post from me today, because the ugly Depression Monster crawled out from under my bed and is holding on to me for dear life. (Or for dear death. That seems to make more sense for some reason.)

The joys of going through life without treating bi-polar disorder include having completely shitty days where the sun doesn’t shine, even if it’s blazing a hole through the ozone layer outside. (For the record, it’s not sunny out today here in Minnesota anyway.) The stupid nagging that has reared it’s ugly head in the back of my mind for months has finally gotten to the point where something needs to be done about it. And unless someone is will to adminster a labotomy, it looks like I’m stuck with actually making a life decision. (My record isn’t exactly great when it comes to those.)

I want children. (Even though there are days when I hate the little bastards) I want to hold my baby and sing him songs, and I want to teach my 3 year old to read all the amazing children’s books that exist. Ideally, it would be best if I could ship my kids off to a home from the ages of 13-17, but I realize that’s not really an option, so I would be willing to deal with the bullshit of puberty and raging hormones in order to end up with a person with a little bit of me in them.

That being said, my Rockstar has made it abundantly clear that he does not long for more children than the one he already has. (In fact, he didn’t long for her to begin with, either, but that’s a story for another time.) I know that men do not change their minds, and anyway, I am not one of those women who WANT to change men’s minds. (Unless it has to do with changing a penis from a softy to a boner.) Given his mindset, I know that if we were to have a child together, he would end up resenting me, and I am not to be resented. And no matter what people say and how hard I try to make it so, having his Daughter around is NOT the same as having my own kid. So there.

In the past, I was with a man fully willing to assist me in the parentage of said 5 boys. However, either his swimmers were slow, or I lack proper plumbing- either way, we tried for over two years without results. (The way things turned out, I suppose that was a good thing.)

So the question is- Do I give up the possible life of almost-childless bliss with my Rockstar to pursue probably ending up alone without even a step-child? When these are my choices, do you people see why I detest making life choices?

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9 Comments

Filed under Children, Life, Love, Uncategorized

9 responses to “A Life Choice

  1. Have your plumbing checked out. It would be terrible to give up Rockstar for nothing. And another little tip. You have a 50-50 chance that the baby would be Bi-Polar or have a brain disorder that follow strongly along our genes. Think of how much you want to grow old with Rockstar, continue to feel one with each other. Always knowing your going home to loving arms.
    Take it slow, cherish and don’t take for granted what you have, the future will play itself out in godspeed.

  2. Goodness, obviously that’s a choice for you and you alone to make. What I can tell you is this: do what you need to do to live the life you want. Sometimes that requires tough sacrifices. Take your time and think everything through – and then think it through again before making any big decisions.

    As an aside, men do change their minds. But like any other person, men need the change to come in a way and a timeframe which best suits their needs and personality. Broadbrush generalizations often lead to bad places.

  3. hannahogden

    If it were me, I would tell him how you were feeling. Just tell him that you don’t want to force him to have kids but that you don’t want to have a life without ever having your own child. And if it comes to the point where there is no change in the matter than its time to jump ship I suppose :/ And go look somewhere else.

    xx

    • We’ve had the conversation before. As I said, I don’t want to change his mind, but I want him to want it too.

      • hannahogden

        Its one of those decision, you’ll know the right answer and it will come to you at the strangest of times. Live your life the why you want too, be happy 🙂 Its Your decision and no one elses.

  4. Hate for you to be unhappy.
    Glad you’re ready to do something about it.
    Won’t use gun analogy again.
    Evil people suck.

  5. Dearest Sparklebumps. It seems to me that your mind is clearly made up. Your emotional gun is loaded and it’s time to pull the trigger. You are far too fabulous to settle for anything less that what it is that you truly want/need to find bliss. Rockstar does not want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who resents him. Go … seek your bliss. Then send the little shits to boarding school at 15.

    • My life is pretty damn blissful right now. And I don’t and wouldn’t resent him, because he told me in the beginning he didn’t want any more. Maybe I would feel differently if I didn’t have to hear, “You should go live somewhere else!” from a 9 year old occassionally…
      By the way, I don’t exactly like the “pulling the emotional gun’s trigger” reference, simply because I am against violence… unless it involves bashing evil people’s heads in.

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