Why did I agree to take a 7-10 hour online course for a job that I no longer want to do? I’ll tell you why. Because I suffered a small bout of temporary insanity. When my boss Frenchie asked, “Sparklebumps, you want to take this course and this test, right? It will look very good on your resume.” I should have said, “I will not bow to your trickery, no. And I am not doltish enough to agree to waste 7 hours of my precious time that could be spent reading to listen to an automated voice drone on about the threat of Hepatitis A in the foody workplace.” Instead, I just smiled like an idiot and said, “Ok.”
Luckily, I can access the course from my own personal computer, and can watch all the fucktarded videos at my own pace, so as to have the ability to stop and rant on my blog about my utter foolishness. So here you go…
The beginning of the course started by informing me that food-bourne illnesses can be caused if my employees speak a different language and have different cultural habits than I. I believe they just gave me permission to only hire English-speaking people who read alot and eat French fries. I will use this video in court if ever I am accused of not practicing equal-oppurtunity employment.
After this, the increasingly-obnoxious automated voice told me to click next to continue.
They also informed me that employees with different levels of education may have a tough time following simple hand-washing rules and such. Here I would like to point out that I have at least 2 years less formal education than any of my co-workers, yet I am surprisingly much more intelligent than most of them. (I realize the fact that I’m wasting my time working as a Pizza Slut may not seem all that intelligent, but nevermind about that.) And I believe that anyone not able to follow the hand-washing video properly is instantly disqualified as a repeat employee.
There’s that “Click next to continue” again.
I must mention here the stellar Brawny man animation they have going on throughout this video. I didn’t realize the Brawny guy had other gigs. Hoorah.
The next portion of videos mentioned the problems involved when an employee comes to work sick, sneezing, vomiting, etc. In their words, I shouldn’t go to work if any of the above mentioned are happening. I KNEW there was a way I could get a day off…As I have just gotten done sneezing a moment ago, I am apparently disqualified from work tonight.
It was also mentioned that feces on hands causes viruses that can be spread. I don’t know about you, but my translation of this is- don’t poop on your hands. Or if you feel the absolute need to, follow the proper hand-washing procedures afterward. Singing “Happy Birthday” twice to ensure proper hand-washing time doesn’t seem all that politically-correct. What if you’re a Jehovah’s Witness?
Click next to continue.
Moving on to biological hazards.
Apparently mold is unacceptable in a restaurant environment. This seems odd to me since there are many gourmet cheeses that actually COME with mold attatched. They mentioned that mold will not necessarily cause sickness, and so I must ask- what’s a little mold?
Click next to continue.
They decided next to teach us about a bunch of diseases with unpronouncable Latin names. The problem is, if I wanted to be a doctor, I would have gone to school to be one. There was one that was mentioned that sounded expecially deadly, however. Hemmorrodhia colitis. When I first heard this term, I imagined myself as a superhero threatening my nemesis with hemmorrodhia colitis. I suppose if I would have been paying attention more closely, I would have learned what this actually was, and how to prevent getting it. However, I was busily anticipating that phrase I have grown so fond of hearing.
“Click next to continue.”
I feel by the time I finally wallow through the rest of these videos, I will be greatly relieved when the speaking stops and I actually don’t hear that automated bitch’s voice saying, “Click next to continue.”