Daily Archives: March 21, 2012

Shameful


I should be ashamed. I should. But I simply am not. This is where my sociopathic traits come in.

The stalkee has become the stalker.

No, I haven’t sauntered up to any unsuspecting women and commented on the nicety of their skin (as has happened to me here). Neither have I found myself outside an ex’s friend house proclaiming everlasting love and devotion as has happened here.

I will tell you a little story of how this all began.

Once upon a time, Sparklebumps got divorced. It was an amiable seperation, marked intermittantly with phone calls filled with tears and texts of “I miss you todays” coming from both parties. However, Sparkle knew it would be death to return to the life of her past, and so she resisted any urges of the sort.

Shortly after the divorce was final, she conversed with her ex and learned that he was dating again, and had chosen one specific Nurse-type woman as a potential mate. While Sparkle had no right to be jealous or feel bunchy (I’m sorry, that is the word that came to mind) she did, and stated that if an actual proposal was issued to this Nursey Woman, that she didn’t want to hear about it. (This was mainly due to the fact that Sparkle’s ex had never officially proposed, and despite the fact that she said she didn’t care, she did. At least a little)

The Ex said not to worry, as things were so completely different than his and Sparkle’s relationship had been, and the Nursey Woman wasn’t quite as fun, but much more bossy than Sparkle had been. He did say, however, that this Nurse would not allow a living-together situation until a big ol’ ring was in place on her hand.

Being the overly curious person that she was, Sparkle wanted desperately to catch a glimpse of this “bossy” woman who had all her shit together and was the complete opposite of her. Going off of the woman’s first name only, Sparkle devoted a ridiculous amount of time searching for nurses in the area with the same first name on facebook and MySpace, only to find… absoutely nothing.

A few weeks ago, she received a text from the Ex stating that he was moving in with his Nurse. Sparkle congratulated him on his engagement, which he for some reason denied had happened. She really is happy for him, if he really is truly happy. (and not alone.)

Then, last week, the Ex texted her again, asking if Sparkle wanted a box of old music books and other assorted paraphenalia she had left behind. (She is still wondering what he did with her patent leather prairie-style heels, as they were not in said box) He also mentioned he had joined Facebook again. (He had deleted his Facebook account when the leaving of Sparklebumps took place, as it was a tool that partially contributed to the leaving.) Sparkle thought not again of this point until she was bored today.

Sparkle logged in to Facebook and looked up her Ex, wondering if he had any pictures posted of the mysterious bossy nurse. To her amazement, she found that he did indeed. She also found that though they have only been together for a 6th of the time that Sparkle and he were, they have found time to travel all the way to New York, which is something that he blatantly refused to do with Sparkle. This would have made Sparkle feel that jealous bunchy feeling again, except for the fact that as she scrolled through the numerous pictures, she couldn’t help but think, “Na-na-na-na-boo-boo. I’m DAMN cuter than she is!”

All I got to say is- beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and trust me, she don’t be holdin’ no beauty.

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Discussing Manhood


After I was checking and deleting my 300+ emails today, (I’ve been remiss in my duties) I decided to check out the spam on my email in hopes that my long lost great aunt had died and her wishes that I inherit her castle had been placed in my junk folder. Sadly, no such email existed. However this one caught my eye, mainly because it was in all capital letters.

ADD THREE INCHES TO YOUR MANHOOD NOW!!!!!!!!!

The excessive use of exclamation point may also have inspired me to write this post.

Firstly, I would like to ONCE AGAIN point out that I am having no manhood in my drawers which needs to have three inches added to it. In fact, I have no manhood to which I could add ANY inches to. Instead, I have a perfectly lovely womanhood (is that a word?) that is capable of getting most any “manhood” it wants. This got me thinking, though.

What would I do if I DID have a manhood?

I think it would be safe to say that if I had a manhood, I would play with it all the time. After all, what fun to have a body part that grows upon contact! I would fondle it lovingly just to watch it get hard, and then take my hand away just to watch it go limp. Of course, there would be times when I DIDN’T take my hand away, but instead stroke it at various speeds until it spurted like a volcano. You guys are so lucky to have such a wondrous contraption connected to your groin!

I would also like to try peeing while standing up, because when I do that, the pee just runs down my leg.

Of course, there would be some shameful things that I would do if I had my very own manhood- mainly sticking it into things just to see what it felt like. I’ve heard that vacuum hoses are fun, but slightly dangerous, and that women’s mouths also feel nice. However, I would surely be slapped with multiple law suits if I just went around sticking my manhood in women’s faces, and so, it is probably a good thing that I haven’t one.

Secondly, this is my own personal opinion, but I bet if you start going around asking other women they would agree. Unless your manhood is disturbingly pitiful, like two inches, three inches added to it may just be too much. Yes, yes, there are those women who love a HUGE cock, but I assure you that most of those type of women have hoo-has that are stretched beyond all recognition. Also, I can say from experience that the men with the big manhoods don’t know what to do with them- they insist on shoving them in your cooch repeatedly in an ungentle manner, thinking that it feels good. To those men I would like to say something. Do you KNOW what our cooches would say if they could talk while you were doing that?! “UGH! You stupid fucker! Slow down! It’s good I don’t have anything breakable in here, because you are like a bull in a china shop!”

Also, men, I must tell you a little secret. Some happy fingers is really all you need.

The problem is, I think, that the men who would consider clicking on this “3 inches” email are probably obsessed with size, so there is a good chance that the men who already own mammoth cocks would buy this product. To that I say- If I saw a ten or twelve inch┬ádick pointing in my direction, I would run to the hills. Cue the Iron Maiden music.

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