Daily Archives: April 13, 2012

You Ain’t All That and a Basket of Crinkle Fries, Megan Fox


Dear Megan Fox,

I realize there are a good many Transformers fans who lust after you, therefore elevating  your ego to contemptable levels. No worries- I am here to point out all your noticeable flaws in hopes of deflating your narssicism back to a more acceptable altitude.

In order the further have my readers canonize me, (and to keep from looking like a completely heartless bitch) I shall first state that I truly admire the inking you’ve had administered to your skinnage. The placement and quotes you’ve chosen are surprisingly lovely. Now that that butt-suckage is out of the way, let the Fox Bashing begin. (Is that the celeb version of seal clubbing, I wonder?)

I have noticed in various interviews you’ve given that you seem to be striving for Angelinaesque shock value. Let me just point out, you are not as talented as she, nor is your kisser bee-stung enough to obtain such status. (No matter how ridiculously you pucker up.) I believe if you were offered a role as a committed sociopath, there would surely be no Oscar in it for you. Crazy people don’t go around posing under hoods of broken-down cars. You’re only strength would therefore prove utterly worthless.

I recognize that the brooching of the next subject may be considered a low blow, but I am not above that. (Notice the clever wordplay there.) It is understood that you had no control over the development of your thumbs, but it would be advisable to go ahead and request a clause in all your ensuing contracts concerning the filming (or the hoped NON-filming) of them. It is in your best interest not to further advertise that you sport the digits of a chimpanzee. As far as wearing your thumbs in public- it’s about time someone brought opera gloves back in style.

If I have not sufficiently offended you yet, let me continue…

I recall a PSA you took part in concerning children’s education not long ago. I find it quite humorous that a person who has made a career of supplying teen boys with spank bank material is also concerned with the mental welfare of said teens. I thought perhaps such interest was to impress your much-older now-husband Brian Austin Green after you realized he found your acting uninspirational. Do not be alarmed; I’m certain his feelings for your are sincere. After all, he is an aging former almost-teen star from BH 90210, and you are a much-googled money train. I wish you both every happiness.

My Rockstar and I agree on one thing concerning you- there’s something wrong with your face. He is convinced it’s because his cock isn’t in it, while I have concluded that you’ve just spent too much time in front of the mirror trying to impersonate Angelina’s nearly-perfect pout. Either way, it’s not very good for you.

I guess that’s all I have to say.

XOXO,

Sparklebumps

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