Daily Archives: April 15, 2012

Mutant Beetles Attack Pizza Slut

Saturday night at precisely 11:59 P.M.,  an unsuspecting Pizza Slut was hauling out the kitchen trash after an extremely slow night when she was startled by a disgusting mammoth bug she almost squashed. An interviewed passerby going about his business at the time had the following to say about the reported incident:

I was standing across the street renting Breaking Dawn out of a Red Box when I heard a girl shrieking, “EEEEEEEEIIIIIIII!!!!!!” I turned around and saw a rather fortunate-looking young woman with large buzooms drop the bag of trash she was carrying and jump up and down in terror. She then ran inside and I heard her cry, “Come out! Come out and see the super creepy bug that’s out here!!!” I saw the cute chic return to the parking lot with a fellow employee who was much less attractive. The two women crouched down to click pictures of the said creeper with their cell phones before I heard the large-breasted woman squeal, “Squish it! Squish it with your foot! I wanna see what happens!” The other woman protested- “NO! I’m not going to step on that with my new shoe!”

After a few minutes of squealing and trying to decide whether to squash the beetle, the more attractive of the two decided to finish taking out the trash. I became frightened (and slightly turned on) when she jumped about 4 feet in the air and let out another squeal. “Another one!” she cried. “There’s another one over here! What the hell?!!??!” The other woman ran over to investigate, and then had the balls to kick the mutant 2nd beetle closer to the first, shrieking as she did so.

“I kicked it! I kicked it over to the other one, Sparklebumps!”

“EEEEEEIIIIIII!” The girl called Sparklebumps ran over and hunkered down by the two frightening bugs.

“Look!” I heard her cry. “The two creepies are racing! Go! Go! Go! Go!”

“Go! Go! Go! Go!” The brave woman who had footed the second beetle joined in egging the massive insects on.

“WOOOOOOO! My beetle won! My beetle won!” The red-haired chicky jumped up and down delightfully.

“NO!!!!!!! That was MY beetle!” I was about to go over and intervene on any arguement that was beginning, but then I heard the Sparklebumps girl speak again.

“OK, I’m creeped out now. I must go inside now, because these buggys are frickin’ creepy, dude.”

It has been confirmed that Sparklebumps and her coworker survived the mentioned attack with no serious injuries.


Filed under Humor, Life, Uncategorized, Work