If I Was God


The question has been posed numerous times throughout the history of the world concerning the “whys”  of God. Now let me ask you something- Does the being who created everything need a reason to fuck with people? I think not.

This got me to thinking. What would I do if was God?

First of all, I would never have given humans free choice. Now, I’m not saying God made a mistake with that one, but why mess with perfection? You see what happens when people are left to their own devices. People try destroying infidels by flying planes into buildings and women tempt men into eating fruit. Perhaps I would have given free choice to people and then just blown everybody up every hundred years or so when shit got really bad…

Since I’m kind of a bitch, I’d probably strike people dead with lightening at various intervals when I was bored. After an eternity of having absolute power, I’m quite certain just sitting around watching  the idiots of the world running around like, well, idiots would be quite dull unless you were screwing with people every now and again. I’m quite certain there would be many more “natural” disasters too.

One of the things that would be completely different is that the only people I would bless with children would be the ones that wanted them in the first place. None of this “accidental pregnancy” shit. Oh, yes, I realize that “oops” pregnancies may at times change people into better beings, however, I think it more often than not ends in instances of unacceptable parenting behavior. And I REALLY really tired of seeing people who shouldn’t have kids sporting an entire brood of younglings.

I also would deem it necessary to  bring back awesome creatures like unicorns and dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are frickin’ awesome, man! After I Jurassic Park-ed the entire world,  I’d just sit back and watch to see if any kid brought a stray baby T-rex home. THAT would be interesting.

While I’m on the subject of living things, I must mention that mosquitoes would NOT be among them. Woodticks, too. I don’t think any child needs to worry themselves to death over whether they will get Lyme’s disease or West Nile like I did when I was a kid. There was an entire summer when I refused to enter the outdoors after Lyme’s disease was discovered. What a waste…. And as much as I’d like to do away with arachnids, I realize some of them prove useful, so Charlotte and her other spider friends would be safe.

I would also make sure that there were many less ugly people around. I’d keep a few here and there so the beautiful people would still have something to make fun of, but for the most part, I just don’t feel that the world benefits more from having asthetically non-pleasing people, so I’d just make sure everyone turned out gorgeous.

Because I believe in corporal punishment, and everything would be all about me if I were God, (hmm, odd that me being a non-deity doesn’t affect that fact now) unbelief and defiance would be dealt with swiftly and harshly. As in- you’d better believe, bitches, or I’ll smite you down!

Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not God…

P.S. The main thing I would do would be to make everyone love one another. Just think- if hate had never existed in the world, you wouldn’t even know what it was, so you wouldn’t even miss it.

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7 Comments

Filed under God, Humor, Life, Religion, Uncategorized

7 responses to “If I Was God

  1. Muahahahahahahahahahahaha!

  2. You old softy! Me? I’d go with the Unicorns and dinosaurs and mate them to produce Unisaurs. Sounds like a skin complaint but what a site to behold. Sorry if I have upset you God.

  3. Another great, insightful blog, as usual, but those little rotating “God quotes” at the top!!! Almost fell out of my chair.

  4. Wait, wouldn’t the Dino’s eat the unicorns?
    How would that work having a t-Rex as a pet, what would you feed em? Also you could change free-will to free-love. You got my vote. 🙂

  5. Oh My U&Me, that was just wickedly hilarious. I especially love the bit about the lightning, and I’ve spent a fair amount of time imagining myself tossing lightning darts about like some twisted version of Zeus! But I think I’ve come up with the ultimate way punish the humans with my “omnipotent” powers – one that would solve their pesky “overpopulation problem” and “improve the species” in one fell swoop: Make then all clairvoyant! I actually wrote a (very) short story about it back in 2009, called The Seering.

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