Daily Archives: May 28, 2012

I Am Indebted To You, Soldiers

In honor of Memorial Day, I have decided to point out just a few ways in which U.S. soldiers have assisted in making me free to be me. I will be using the U.S. Constitution as an aid.

1.Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble.

Soldiers have fought for my right to whatever the fuck I want on my blog so all you people can be highly entertained. This has given me the ability to tell you the truth about my boss, which in turn got me fired, but now you know what a weenie he was. It has also given you all a chance to read about my former lives, and given me a chance to make you wild with desire with my excellent writing skills. This amendment also states that any Sparklebumps worship ceremonies may be held without fear of persecution.

2. A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Thank you, soldiers, for making it possible for me to carry a 9 mm in my orange and pink patent-leather purse.

3. No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Soldiers may only stay in my house with my permission- luckily for them, I cannot deny a man in fatigues.

4.The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Soldiers have fought for my right to keep my Toy Drawer from being dug through and uneccessarily fondled or otherwise disturbed.

5. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury.

I shan’t be going to prison for … those  things I did unless the Grand Jury allows it. Whew.

6. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed.

When the Grand Jury finally catches me, they cannot try in me in Texas with a jury of unicorns. Thank God.

7. (Actually Amendment 8) Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

No one can charge me billions of dollars to bail my ass outta jail during my trial, nor can they make me eat Corn Nuts or force me to sit in a room of people chomping popcorn loudly and innapropriately.

8.  Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States.

Unless I am convicted of… those things I did, they cannot make me do things I don’t want. However, I am free to be leashed and beaten and forced to perform blowjobs if I so choose.

9. The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes.

Bastards. Soldiers, I cannot thank you for this one.

10.  No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once. But this Article shall not apply to any person holding the office of President, when this Article was proposed by the Congress, and shall not prevent any person who may be holding the office of President, or acting asPresident, during the term within which this Article becomes operative from holding the office of President or acting as President during the remainder of such term.

We have the chance to get rid of those Presidential figures that so offend us. Sadly, it may take 8 years to do so.

I suppose that just about does it. I would also like to state that if it were possible, I would give each and every man and woman who has served or is serving in our armed forces a giant booby-squishin’ hug, which I would surely be stoned for if I lived in most Middle Eastern countries. Happy Memorial Day. XOXO


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