Daily Archives: June 5, 2012

Advice From My Inner Goddess

I gotta love her, because she’s where my confidence comes from, but hell, you’d be a little nuts too if you had to listen to this all day long…

Sparkle, you can write better erotica, or anything else for that matter, than anyone out there. So get off your ass and start writing already! You’re never going to get your castle if you just sit in your apartment eating french fries all day!

Yes, you can absolutely get away with wearing a short skirt even though you weigh 170 lbs, because your legs are perfectly toned from wearing your supply of shoes for hours upon hours.

You can absolutely cook anything you want to try cooking and it will turn out! (What she means is it will turn out EVENTUALLY. After I’ve tried and failed at least three times.)

Girrrrrl, you look fine in your slightly inappropriate church clothes, ’cause you got boobs! You got ’em, so flaunt ’em, baby!

Everyone loves you because you’re completely amazing and wonderful and there’s nobody else like you. Why the heck WOULDN’T everybody love you?! (I would like to point out that there’s nobody else like anybody else, so that does not exactly make me special.)

We must have been a hooker in a past life, because we are awesome in bed! You’re even good at the stuff you’ve never tried before!

Yes, all those people that you think are staring at you when you walk through the mall are, in fact, staring at you. Must I point out once again that you have boobs? Of course the’re gonna stare, quit being a weenie and suck it up.

How many times do I have to tell you- act like you look like Angelina or Salma Hayak and nobody will know what a self-conscious little ninny you are!

Even though he hasn’t mentioned marriage in ages, your Rockstar truly does want to marry you. You just have to convince him he does with your stellar blowjob abilities.

You can absolutely sing better than Taylor Swift! You just have too much other stuff on your plate, so you don’t have the time to steal all her awards out from under her.

French fries and coffee contribute perfectly to the maintainance of your sexy physique; sit-ups and excercise haven’t gotten you to where you are today. You should know this, bitch.

You have almost no friends because you are a mysterious enigma; it has nothing to do with the fact that you don’t ever call your friends.

Everyone finds you incredibly sexy, even that John guy in New Jersey. You have to realize not everyone is going to come right out and say it. (Sorry, John, she’s completely obnoxious and uncontrollable, isn’t she?)

Chris Meloni doesn’t know what he’s missing!


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