Things To Say When “No” Isn’t Good Enough

I have, on occassion, been the recipient of unsolicited attentions from mens that are not my Rockstar. Since the simple phrase “I have a boyfriend” does not always have the ultimate power to deter said mens from insisting on a date with me (or other much more innapropriate behaviors, for that matter), I have devised a list of one-liners which, while not necessarily true, are strong enough in shock value to make any overly-amourous souls think twice. Any and all readers may borrow these if ever a simple “no, go away, creeper” doesn’t do the trick.

1. Do you have any itch cream? My herpes is acting up. (For the record, this is one of the not necessarily true ones)

2. My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I get asked out by men. (This has proven to have the opposite effect that one wishes. The hint of lesbianism drives men crazy for some reason.)

3. The therapist I had when I was in my padded cell told me I shouldn’t date for at least a year. Luckily, I’ve only a month to go. Wanna hook up then?

4. Sure, I’ll go on a date with you! I’ve been so lonely since I flayed my last boyfriend with a bowie knife and used his skin as a lampshade.

5. I don’t think my boyfriend Brock Lesnar would like it if we went on a date.

6. To steal a line from my Delightfulness, “I have to poop.”

7. I have a penis. (Another untrue one)

8. I do not date men, and only have intercourse with inanimate objects.

9. If you date me, you have to date my brother too. We’re VERY close.

10. Have you been to Mars? The aliens took me there once and it was lovely. Maybe we could go on a date there…

11. I religiously watch Family Matters and seek to emulate my favorite character, Steve Urkel.

12. Are you a member of The Church of Satan? Because I am.

13. Sure I’ll date you, just let me give my pimp a call and let him know I won’t be at work tonight.