Writing Lessons

So I am in the midst of the final leg of a trilogical journey. Let me make an observation here.

E. L. James’ writing did NOT get better with practice.

Yes, I am once again referring to the disaster known as The Fifty Shades bonanza.

One thing any person that reads occassionally may tell you if you ask is that a book that is excellent and well-written is hard to put down. (Unless, in some cases, it is too intense and one needs time to cool down.) Let me point out something here.

I’ve had no issues putting down these books. In fact, I’ve been wallowing through the last one for almost a month because I get so easily distracted from the relationship between Ana and Christian Grey.

Perhaps it’s the “Gah!” and “Argh!” I keep reading.

Let me explain.

There is a bit of sexual content in these books, and nearly every instance is punctuated with these words.

I don’t know about you, but even in the throes of passion, I’ve never used the word (if indeed it even is a word) “argh.”

In fact, when I think about it, even my un-passionate moments are devoid of this word.

It is safe to say that I would perhaps only use the word “argh” in a text, that would not be spoken out loud.

Men, I have a question for you- If a woman cried “Argh” while you were doing here, would your reaction be to groan in your throat and come?

I didn’t think so.

How about “GAH!” ?

Does that speak to a baser feeling in the pit of your stomach?

I actually began giggling when I read two pages of a sex scene and noticed Ana repeating, “Ah.” “Ah.” Ah.” Was she gonna climax, or was she gonna sneeze?

It is true that I have never weilded my penis in a way that would perhaps make women react thus, (except my faux one that one time with that one girl) but I would assume that “Oh, god” and “fuck me” would be the standard desired response.

Too, would a man punctuate his thrusting with “You. Are. So. Beautiful.” ?

Because Christian Grey did.

I believe I would also giggle if that happened in real life.

Anastasia Steel described it as “Hedonism gone wild.”

Here is an excerpt from the last book.

“In one efficient move, he dispenses with his pants and boxer briefs so that he’s gloriously naked and looming large and ready over me.”

Translation: “He whips his huge boner out and is ready to stick it in.”

Here is an example of how I would have worded that phrase- “He smoothly slipped out of his clothes, and I drew in a sharp breath when I saw his want for me.”

Please tell me that’s a bit better than “someone looming large over me.” It sounds as though he had a monstrous mutation hiding in his pants.

No, Anastasia’s not the only one who states the obvious in monosyllibic and uninteresting ways.

“Oh, you’re so ready.”

No shit, Christian. You generally want a girl to be wet after playing with her clit and stroking her nipples. If she’s not, I’m sorry to say that she’s probably not that into you.

“Oh, what you do to me.”

Tell us, Christian, because I can’t quite figure it out by the thing looming large over Ana.

At least he thinks she has a “glorious ass”.




Filed under Books, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized

23 responses to “Writing Lessons

  1. ipegasus

    Man have I missed your blog! I still haven’t read those books yet. Maybe it’s because the whole series is apparently a Twilight fanfiction…Eventually I’ll get onto it. I gotta read it for the sake of reading it before the movie comes out anyway. Hopefully it’s not too soon.

  2. 1) I guess porn is like pizza and sex – even when it’s bad, it’s pretty good.
    2) The only book I couldn’t put down was The History of Glue.

  3. justdj63

    I always ‘loom large’ for your stories… 🙂

  4. I’ve heard the writing isn’t that great… think I’ll just stick to watching Magic Mike on the big screen instead 😉

  5. Goat manure, hmmm….I was going to settle for a dirty diaper.

  6. Surely, the novelty of these books will wear off soon. They’re really terrible. And it makes me crazy to think that they’re for sale on the shelves of every Target in the country while the covers of fashion magazines are obscured by plastic sheets at supermarket checkouts so hyperchristians don’t get asked uncomfortable questions by their children.

  7. lissa16b

    I’d like to smack E. L. James with a bag of goat manure. Shaaaaame on you Miss James!

    • Sadly, goat manure is womewhat rare here in MN. I’ll have to come get some from you.

      • lissa16b

        Ahh, yes. I suppose. It’s actually just a slang saying around PEI, for when people do something really stupid. I’ve never actually seen anyone being beaten with a sack of goat anything come to think of it.

  8. I think the world needs to read FIFTY SHADES OF SPARKLES.

  9. I don’t understand it. EVERYone who knows ANYthing about writing says how much those books suck. But people keep buying them, reading them, recommending them, taking pictures of them… It makes me nervous, being a writer. Will good shit sell more than shitty shit that just happens to be about sex?

  10. I only say ‘arrgh’ when I’m talking like a pirate, but that usually only happens once a year on talk like a pirate day.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s