To the Makers of my Rockstar’s Undies


Dear Undertech,

My Rockstar recently purchased a package of your silky boxer briefs. While I appreciate the fun and vibrant graphics that your company chose to place on panties designed for men’s crotchal areas, I must point out that I KNOW what you’re trying to do. You are trying to distract people from the fact that you have placed no convenient hole for peeing and other more exciting activities on the front of your Butt Duds.

I will explain the source of my disappointment.

While my Rockstar and I were driving the many miles back home from the desert wastelands of South Dakota this week, I found myself slightly bored and without entertainment. I had already belted out all the favorite songs I have off of my MP3 player, and needed something more to stimulate my me. And so without further ado, I unzippered my Rockstar’s very fun rust-colored plaid short and stuck my hand inside to see what would happen. Imagine my delight when my hand slid repeatedly over the silkiness of his new underoos and the friction was enough to produce a mentionable boner! I unbuckled my seatbelt and proceeded to ready myself to administer a Sparklebumps Special. If you’ve not heard of those- how sad for you. Anyhoo, I found my busy hand searching unsuccessfully for a button, or an opening sufficient enough to dislodge my Rockstar’s waiting erection from it’s satiny prison, but alas! There was none to be found. In the end, my Rockstar was forced to push down his paradisically-colored boxer briefs in order to receive his intended blowjob.

As a company that thrives off of purchasing customers, I would just like to point out how dangerous it could be that any man who buys your product would have to flex and struggle to remove his panties while driving in order to receive a blowjob. How much safer would it be to just create a small opening to release penises that should be receiving desired oral attentions? Do we really want yahoos swerving around on our roads just because an underoo was mistaken to not include an exit hole? I think not!

My Rockstar fully intended to purchase more of your colorfully silky male lingerie at a later date, but I have convinced him of the unwise-ness of that decision. I have also informed him that he may only wear said undies when he is NOT expecting favored favors.

I feel that in the future, you will think harder on your underoo design, Undertech.

Irritatingly,

Sparklebumps

6 Comments

Filed under Fashion, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized

6 responses to “To the Makers of my Rockstar’s Undies

  1. Ha! I wonder if Ellen Underwear would be beneficial…

  2. Thanks for the blow-by-blow description of your brief trip.

  3. It’s our duty as consumers to speak up when we’re not pleased with a product. You’ve gone beyond that and provided positive suggestions for improvement. Surely, letters like yours are discussed in great length in conference rooms and board rooms across the nation.

    Rockstar should consider the tried and true “tighty whitie” which has, for generations, allowed ladies to avoid the undesirable circumstances shared in your letter.

    Do let us know if you get a response, won’t you? 😉

    • I surely will let you know of any response I receive. However, I must point out that my Rockstar would look horrendous in tighty whities, since his red-head skin is disturbingly pale. Perhaps a royal purple or Yamaha blue Tighty would be best…

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