News Flash: God Finally Says Yes!

Here’s the latest story out of Minnesota.

A faith-filled Sparklebumps finally has proof that God is, in fact, not just a figment of her imagination.

Sparkle had spent the last two weeks or so distraught and undecided as to where her future was headed. While she has never doubted that her Rockstar was placed in front of her by her Heavenly Father, she has, in the past, silently questioned His decision to couple her with such a non-affection being. Throughout their relationship, the only true problem Sparkle has worried about was the lack of hugs and “I love you”s flying around in the book crowded apartment.

“I just want the person I’m with to be happy to have me, and to be lovin’ on me as much as I love on them.” Sparkle says with conviction.

After a disastrous Thanksgiving weekend abroad in South Dakota, (where her Rockstar caught the flu and remained in a somewhat zombified state) the couple returned home and Sparkle noticed how unresponsive her rockstar was being. She chalked his misery up to his hated job, and asked him why he couldn’t get off his well-shaped ass and find a new one. Being the introvert that he is, Rockstar responded with silence, and continued to withdraw from Sparkle for the remainder of the week . When confronted about his less-than-savory behavior, Rockstar questioned Sparkle’s maturity, saying, “To you, any relationship is perfect if you’re just banging all the time. Grow up a little.” Sparkle was crestfallen; while she does not deny that continuous fucking is a sign that a relationship is in good health, it is the hugs and hand-holding (or lack of) that was getting to her, and the fact that she seemed completely unable to emotionally happify her Rockstar.

After many tears, and many words (that were not responded to by her Rockstar), Sparkle finally asked the important question- “Do you love me, or do you just love the fact that I’m better than the other girlfriends you’ve had?”

Rockstar pondered this question for a ridiculously long time before replying with a not-well-thought-out answer, “I think I do.”

“Think” was not sufficient for Sparkle, and she made the tough decision to break up with her Rockstar then and there. Since their lease is up in February, she stated that she would move out then, to which there was again no reply from her Rockstar. She spent the next six hours bawling her eyes out on the couch until falling into an exhausted sleep.

This past weekend, Sparkle spent surrounded by loved ones being consoled over the demise of her relationship. As she knew she wouldn’t, she heard not a peep from her Rockstar, and ventured home last night in slight trepidation of what would be her welcome home response after not being home for the past two days.

She had not to worry, because Rockstar again acted as though she was non-existant, and Sparkle lay down to sleep on the couch disappointed as ever.

“I don’t pray as often as normal God-believing people,” Sparkle admits, shamelessly. “But He knows I know He’s up there.”

Before falling asleep, Sparkle had a conversation with God that went like this:

So here’s the deal, God.

I know you gave me my Rockstar for a reason, and I don’t want to fuck things up by making rash decisions. (Because You know I do that sometimes.) If I am truly and really supposed to be with him, can You just gimme a little sign here and let him come out of the bedroom and let me know he loves me? I really love him and I just want him to understand that I want him to be happy, too, but that I need hugs and stuff. You know that- after all, you’re the one who made me histrionic. So anyhoo, praise You and Hallelujah and all that jazz. I love ya, Big Daddy. XOXO

Sparkle fell asleep, and was awakened a few hours later when she felt her Rockstar lean over her and just hold her for 15 minutes straight. She had the thought at first that he may be possessed by angelic demons, but when he took her hand and led her to the bed and held her for the remainder of the night, she knew God had finally answered one of her requests with a resounding “YES!”

It is yet to be determined if her Rockstar with permanently mend his ways, but he did kiss her goodbye this morning, which is all she really wanted in the first place.