Happy 2013, My Lovelys! I have deemed this the year that I finally take my rightful place as Queen of Everything. Before you guffaw and roll your eyes at this statement, let me enlighten you to the Utopia I have envisioned:
There will be no war. Instead, war will be replaced with love, and those who oppose this edict shall be beheaded. There will be weekly Love Rallys that everyone is invited to attend, where music and drink and hugging is extensive.
The IRS and all other forms of monetary persecution shall be abolished. No longer will hard-working people be appalled to find that half of their check has been confiscated by some phantom corporation. Dollars for necessities such as stilettos and whiskey shall be provided by the government.
The institution of Marriage shall be available to every and all human. If you are a gay man, you may live in complete misery with that beautifully sculpted specimen of a man if you so choose. If you are 15, and in love with a creepy forty-year-old, you may marry him without your parent’s consent, as long as you take a week or two to accept the idea of the wrinkled balls that will be in your mouth after your nuptials.
Music, and art, and writing will be the most esteemed of all talents. Those who contribute to these endeavors shall be carried around by those who in no way contribute to the benefits of the mind- namely lawyers, money-grubbing doctors, and the CEO’s of Apple.
I will require an Army of Followers. It shall be your duty to give your opinions and your praise for the ramblings of my mind that I so faithfully supply on my blog. Too, you will be required to rush out and buy all my books upon their publishing. In return, I will supply you with many hours of irreverent and crazed entertainment. They shall be known as the Glitterati
I, too, will require an Army of Admirers which will completely sate and satisfy the monster that is my Histrionic Personality. It shall be your responsibility to daily fawn over my (imagined) beautific-ness, and to at all hours speak of your desire for my “perfectly-shaped” bod. In return, I shall pose for all nude and naked pictures requested.
All scientists will be required to scientifically fabricate dragons that I and my Followers shall ride to all my many lands.
In return for providing all the world with such a Utopia, donations of used books and shoes and all things glittery will be accepted on the Monday of every week, and will be appreciated physically with booby squishes from yours truly to those who comply.
So it has been decreed, so let it be done.