Daily Archives: January 4, 2013

The Things I Used To Want

For some reason, thoughts of my childhood desires just popped into my head. Here’s just a few of them:

1. I used to want braces.

I believe it is because of my distraction by shiny things that I originally wanted a brace face. In the 80’s where I grew up, there was not yet such things as colored rubber bands or jewel-toned braces. They were just plain silver. The thought of getting my braces stuck to those of my childhood crush in a passionate kiss was also something I found wildly romantic. There may have also been a slight need to be exactly like my older cousin who ended up being Miss Teen USA. Just to be clear, she didn’t always have that perfectly-formed Crest smile.

2. I used to want to be Michael Jackson.

Before his nose fell off and people only thought of him as that weirdo who touched little boys, Mike was a pretty cool cat. I’m sure millions of teen girls in the 80’s lusted after his feminine voice and Jerry-curl ‘do. But while most girls were wanting him, I was just a little 7 year old wanting to BE him. I believed that if I could just perfect my moonwalk and squeal in just the right tone while grabbing my crotch, I’d be the King of the World. Yes, there were many times when my gender was a constant source of consternation to me back then. Luckily, I have since learned to embrace my womanhood, and my DDD’s.

3. I wanted to marry Don Johnson.

But back when Miami Vice was not in re-runs, who didn’t? Sadly, my older friend always made me pretend I was dating Sonny’s twin brother, while she got the original. Bitch.

4. I wanted blue eyes.

I remember reading a book in school about a missionary to India named Amy Carmichael. She too, suffered from the dreaded curse of having brown eyes, and prayed to God daily for ocean-colored ones. I do not deny that I did the same. For her, it worked out. But since I have no intentions of dressing like a Easterner, I’m still waiting for God to change His mind.

5. I wanted to star in The Neverending Story.

Sadly, it had already been filmed by the time I realized this. For the record, it would have been massively cooler if Atreyu had been a girl.


Filed under Beauty, Children, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized

642 Things To Write About: #1 Online Dating Service Description

On one of my many jaunts through the delightful space called TJ Maxx, I came across the most amazing of books. 642 Things To Write About is a blogger’s greatest treasure. No longer will I waste time pondering what entertaining paragraphs I shall type on a day unfilled with inspiration. Instead, I will open up my handy-dandy book of writing ideas and randomly choose one that strikes my fancy. As all the best things begin with me, I feel it only right to begin this writing journey by choosing an idea that will fully illustrate the enigma that is me. The idea I chose for today was thus phrased: Write two descriptions of yourself for an online dating service. First, be the kind of girl who’d be taken home to meet the mother. Then try a hot, sexy version. This shall be fun…

#1. Young 30-something woman looking for love and the perfect person to raise gorgeous children with. Intelligent, witty, and caring. I will always kiss you goodnight and try my hardest to cook beautiful meals for you, though I cannot guarantee that they will always turn out. It’s A Wonderful Life is my favorite movie, because I long to have a family exactly like George Bailey’s. I play piano for my Grandma’s church,  and write in my spare time. I am in charge of a restaurant, but one day hope to become a published author so I can stay home and read to my babies. I haven’t the face of a Boticelli angel, but people have told me I’m very pretty. If you envision growing old with someone and sitting on a front porch somewhere drinking iced tea in your old age with her, I just might be it.

(Ok, not that that’s done, on to the fun.)

#2 Are you looking for lust in all the wrong places? Look no further, because here I am! 5’3″, DDD, and an ass that has been described as “perfect for anything”, I’m a girl who’s always ready for a good time, and I won’t say no to any requests (other than ones that include bodily fluids.) If you prefer a taller chic, no problem. My many stilettos help me out in that area! Looking to tie a girl up? Just the thought of it makes me hot. Wanna be tied up? I’ll make you beg. I’m intelligent enough I’ll even play chess with you after we’re done. Strip poker is my game of choice, though I  must warn you that I’m excellent at it, so wear extra layers. Blowjobs are one of my favorite past times, and I will swallow if you ask nicely. If I disappoint you in anyway, please feel free to administer spankings until I learn what your desires are. I’ve been described as “gorgeous”, “pretty” and “funny”. I am a writer; I write a lot of things, but erotica seems to be my favorite these days. I’ll bake for you in nothing other than my apron, and you’ll thank me for it later. As an extra bonus, I just happen to like girls too, so invite that hottie you’ve been checking out over. A forewarning- I might not share her. You know you wanna, so just call me, already. XOXO


Filed under Beauty, Family, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized