Daily Archives: January 10, 2013

Edward Hotspur and the Best Birthday Present Ever


So sorry this is late! I blame it on the aliens that abducted my brain a few days ago. It is hoped my story makes up for it. This was supposed to be a choose your own adventure post with links to other amazing writers, but I’m afraid that ship has sailed without me. Just go to H.E.’s blog and you will find a birthday trail for Hotspur. So! Ed, I give you the gift of fantasy fiction…

“Happy birthday, Honey!” The incredibly attractive woman known as Mrs. Hotspur greeted her birthday boy- a less attractive (but only slightly) Edward. She planted a passionate kiss on her hubby’s lips.

“Thanks, baby. So what’d you get me?” Ed hated to admit it, but he was all about the presents. His ego was big enough that he believed everyone should give him at least one.

The Mrs. bit her lip nervously. This was a little bit out of her comfort zone, but she knew it was something he wouldn’t soon forget. She grabbed his hand and led him down the hallway to the bedroom.

“Ok, so I know I should have asked first, but I didn’t think you’d mind.  I got you a pet.”

When he heard “pet”, Ed expected to see a precocious puppy or one of those massive ragdoll cats that are completely useless, but when his wife stepped aside, he was absolutely speechless. Kneeling in front of him was a curvy redhead. She wore only a corset, a dog collar, and a pair of red patent leather stilettos. His pants felt a little bit tighter as he admired her naked breasts; her nipples were pointing directly at him, it seemed. Her head was down in a submissive position, but when he gasped in surprised, the woman looked up at him, and he was shocked when one of her eyelids dipped down over one of her dark brown eyes in a flirtatious wink.

“Holy shit! What is Sparklebumps doing here?!” Ed’s voice sounded about three octaves higher than he was used to.

Mrs. Ed shrugged. “Well, I wanted to get Salma Hayak, but she’s famous and  well, you know, not super horny. But Sparkles is exactly the same height, and her tits are just a little bit bigger. She’s agreed to let you be her master for the night. I know you always wanted to try being dominant, so…” She leaned close and whispered seductively into her hubby’s ear, “She’ll do whatever you want her to… including me.” Before she stepped back, Ed felt her nip his ear in such a way that shivers flew down his spine.

Ed ran his hand through his hair as he looked first at his wife, and then down at his birthday present. She hadn’t moved a muscle; she awaited his command. Well, fuck. He thought. What the hell?

He stepped forward, and Sparkle looked up at him.

“Happy birthday, Master. Not how you expected to meet me, is it?” She grinned.

Ed cleared his throat. “I’m not complaining.”

“What would you have of me, Master?” As she asked, Sparkle raised her hands to undo Ed’s pants. He put his hands over hers to stop her.

“Stand up.” The authoritative tone in his voiced surprised him.

“Ah.” Sparkle lowered her head and rose, and as she did so, Ed admired the nicely muscled legs she had gotten from years of wearing heels. He looked over at his wife, expecting daggers to be shooting from her eyes at the fact that he was eyeing another woman, but instead, she only smiled, and nudged him forward.

Ed took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “Go over to the bed and bend over.” Nice ass,  he thought, as Sparkle did what she was told. He stepped forward and grabbed her by the hair.

“Shame on you for not thinking of the lady first. I’m going to spank you now, and then you will pleasure my wife.” Sparkle made a slight noise in her throat that seemed to affect Ed’s already hard manhood. He lifted his hand and brought it down perfectly on the meat of her rear with a delicious slap. Sparkle gasped, and moved her hips against the edge of the bed, while Ed watched the pale skin of her ass turn a lovely pink color. He heard a moan behind him, and was surprised to look into his wife’s face and see her blooming desire. He gave Sparkle one final swat before releasing her hair and stepping back.

“Now take care of my wife.” Who was this bossy, domineering man? He didn’t realize he had it in him. He was so used to being light-hearted and blogging about pissing unicorns and other bizarre things.

Sparkle slid off the edge of the bed and crawled over to where the Mrs. was leaning against the wall lazily. She looked up for confirmation, and must have found it, because she ever so slowly slid the Mrs. pants down, leaned forward, and laid a soft kiss on the lacy panties underneath. Sparkle then slid the panties off, and Ed watched in fascination as Sparkle’s tongue slid out and delicately tasted his wife.

The Mrs. moaned quietly, and that was all Sparkle needed. She proceeded to go down on the Mrs., and Ed was amazed at how erotic it was to look in to his wife’s eyes as another woman pleasured her. More erotic still it was when he watched the pleasure rise and the eye contact was broken when she closed her eyes and came.

“That’s enough.” He stood up expectantly. “I want you to stay over there, Little Bitch, and watch now while I make love to my wife.”

Disclaimer: I meant no disrespect in the story up above, Ed. H. E. told me to write something for your bday that was about a semi-biographical blog like mine, and since I live in Fantasyland, this is the only thing I could think of. It helps that your wife is gorgeous, but tell her not to be mad, ok? It’s just for fun. If you desire, I can finish it, but I didn’t want to go overboard. Happy Birthday! XOXO

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Filed under Beauty, fiction, Humor, Life, Sex, short story, Uncategorized

Funny Thing


…is that’s it’s not funny it at all. But we put on a happy face and make a joke so as not to burst into tears. or some bullshit like that, right?

I got a text from my Ex-hubby the other day. I hadn’t heard from him since a few months ago right after he got married, but I knew exactly what it was he wasn’t telling me.

So when is she due? I text him after his initial blahseh greeting.

If I was going to have a baby, would you want to know about it? Was his response.

Not really, but I’d find out eventually, so we might as well get this over with. I steeled myself for the next text.

I just know how upset you got when people told you they were having babies. Always thinking of other people. Polite bastard.

So? Putting it off wasn’t helping anything.

June 29th.

You wouldn’t think one tiny little text with a date would make my whole world feel like it was ending. Well, you would be wrong. Surprisingly, it began with internal bleeding; you would never have known the news of someone having the baby that was supposed to be mine was eating through my insides like the ebola virus.

I guess I’m supposed to say congratulations or something. That was civil, right?

My sister is pregnant too.

The ebola virus had worked it’s way to the outside and I felt my body begin to melt into a hideous liquid mess of tears.

How are you doing, now that I told you? The “funny thing” is, he was asking because he knew exactly what was happening.

Not so good. I guess I didn’t really want to know you were having a baby. (Or that my internal organs would liquefy and my soul would die when I found out.) I only thought that last part.

Yeah, my eyes teared up as soon as I sent the text. I’m sorry.

So why is my Ex-Hubby sorry he’s having a baby and had to tell me? I’m sure you’re completely confused. After all, he should totally hate my guts because I cheated on him and then left him because I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I may have forgotten to mention- I also left because we tried for three years to have a baby, and when one didn’t appear, I realized I didn’t want to be with this man if there were no children. So I thought I had better find someone I actually wanted to be with if I was to be barren.

I’m sure you’re all thinking I’ve destabilized because it’s my ex that’s having a baby. That doesn’t help, no; because there was a time when I wanted to have 5 little boys who looked exactly like him. But you see from earlier in my post that I didn’t start crying until I found out his sister was having one too. It’s the fact that EVERYONE ELSE is having babies except for me. I’ve found out in the last two weeks that my cousin (who didn’t want a kid the last time I checked) and his wife are pregnant, the first girl I ever fell in love with and her hubby are, my ex and his new wife, and my ex-sister-in-law and her hubby (who also stated he wanted no children). So it’s safe to say that half the people in the world who are procreating are doing it because their spouses want them to. So all those half-wanted babies will be loved with only half as much love as they deserve, while my non-existant baby is loved with every fiber of my being.

“So why don’t you have a baby, already?” People keep asking me. It’s not that simple.

I have found a man who I want to be with. Unfortunately, he has a ten year old and is perfectly happy with only her. Because he has not yet spent 12 years with me, he doesn’t have the understanding of me that my Ex did, and so does not realize that telling me to hold someone else’s baby is like asking me to cut my own throat with a sharpened toothbrush. He does not understand that for the last two days, it has taken all of my will power to keep a constant stream of tears from falling. When I told him my Ex was having a baby, his only response was, “How do you know it’s even his kid?”

My Rockstar has agreed to have a baby with me when we have more money. The “funny thing” is, there will never be enough money. There will always be more bills, or other things to spend money on.

I can’t think about this anymore for right now, because I already can’t see, but this is to all of you who have kids who have ever even for a moment wished you didn’t, and all you parents with children with health issues, and all you pregnant women who are pissed off because you can’t sleep or have morning sickness, and all you individuals who “accidentally” had kids when you had “real” lives you wanted to have- you better fucking thank God or Shiva or whatever other deity it is you worship every fucking day for your babies, because if you didn’t have them, you could be just like me right now. And trust me. This doesn’t feel good.

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Filed under Children, Family, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized