When “Suck My Toes!” Is No Longer an Insult


When I was terminated from my bookstore, I believed my days of being adored by creepies passing by had come to an end. While a normal human being would be relieved at such a thought, the histrionic part of me was just a little dismayed. Where would I accrue such entertaining stalker fodder for my bloggy fans if not in the mall? Luckily, I forgot for a moment that I am me, and shall forever find myself in situations not like ones the ordinary individual experiences.
‘Tis true my flirtatious personality and excessive boobage may have a little something to do with that.
Enter the Toe Sucker.
I cannot say much of how I came to be introduced to the Toe Sucker, except that I interviewed him, and because he had once upon a time sold designer shoes, I hired him. After only a week, I realized that such decision should not be made for such reasons. Apparently, knowing me for only a week was sufficient enough for this man to be completely enamoured of me.
A few weeks after the lapse of his employment, I was surprised to receive a text from said person. The Toe Sucker, (as he was yet to be dubbed) was a 57 year old who in his text claimed to have the libido of a 27-year-old, and desired to become more intimately aquainted with me because I am “so good-looking and smart, and sexy.” (Clearly, he is partially intelligent. My heart leapt into my throat (or maybe it was just bile) when during our text conversation he asked if he I would allow him to suck my toes. I immediately ceased responding to his texts, because while I do not deny being curious about the affect toe sucking would have on my nether regions, I could not help but remember that I have a sexy Rockstar as a boyfriend and a slough of other boys who are much younger than 57 who would probably be willing to suck my toes if I asked nicely. (And rubbed my boobies against them.)
Not to be deterred, for the next month or so afterward, the Toe Sucker randomly would text me, assuring me of his stellar Toe-Sucking Ability, and how amazing and sexy I am. He also invited me to a shopping weekend when he wished to introduce me to his children (who are my age) for some unknown reason. When I asked if I could bring my Rockstar with, the Toe Sucker responded with, “Are you crazy?!”, confirming that his intentions were not completely honorable. Soon, I tired of his excessive attempts to sweet talk me into bedding him, and I thought I was rid of him.
A few weeks ago, I was going about my business when I was once again texted by the Toe Sucker. He asked if I had reconsidered the “amazing weekend” he had invited me to, and when I said no, the Creepy became the Asshole. He texted such insults as, “That’s ok, I know other whores” and “the job you have is a perfect job for a greasy dirty woman like you”.
While I have unmatched patience for fucktards, blatant insults such as these are not to be tolerated. When he told me I could “go have a good time with my boyfriend”, I responded nicely with an “I WILL have a wonderful time doing my sexy man while you are busy sitting at home fucking your hand.” This was not received kindly, and threats of police intervention were issued by him “if I didn’t stop texting him.” “WTF” was the only thought I could think at that point, considering that HE was the one that refused to quit texting me. And so, I continued about my business, the whole while convinced that the Toe Sucker was indeed on many un-identified prescription pills.
The very next day, I received a call from the afore-mentioned asshat (which I didn’t answer) and a message pleading me to forgive his behavior. I assured him there was absolutely no reason for me to continue our non-existant acquaintance, and with a “Fuck you, and delete my number”, I bid him adieu.
Apparently the rememberance of my general awesomeness and glorious boobage is ingrained into his brain, for just this weekend I was once again bombarded with texts from the Toe Sucker begging me to “send him a picture of my toes” and to “please allow me to know you.” After his failed attempt to compliment me by comparing me to Helen of Troy with a “Your eyes could launch a thousand ships”, I really just wanted to say “Suck my dick and fuck off” or “Suck my toes”, but I’m afraid such insults would fail to impede his affections in any way.

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Filed under Beauty, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized

One response to “When “Suck My Toes!” Is No Longer an Insult

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