Daily Archives: January 23, 2013

A Drunken Letter To Sean Bean

My Dearest Most Sexy (Though slightly old and wrinkled) Sean Bean,

I am completely in love with you.

I realize this may come as a complete shock since I have never before even hinted of my surprising lust for you, but let me be frank- I have downed a half a bottle of whiskey, and my passion can no longer be contained.

You have starred in all my favorite films: Black Beauty, Don’t Say A Word, Troy, and let us not forget the first installment of Lord of the Rings. How I wished for you to long after me as you did the One Ring, or as Smeogel said it best “My Precious”.

I must admit I didn’t recognize you, my Shining Star, in Equilibrium (Because I was lusting after Christian Bale) and Ronin (because that lady with the alien eyes was distracting me.) But LISTEN! I have decided you are the only one for me. (Besides for Christopher Meloni.)

I became aware of my burning passion for you when you so perfectly portrayed Eddard Stark in Game of Thrones. To choose honor, or your family, you so rightly chose family, even though your daughter was a little bitch and your aging wife had such homely qualities. (Such as wrinkles and a hint of that Joan Allen person I so despise.)

I must admit that I creeped on you a little bit, and found you on the Wikipedia. While your picture on there is not flattering in the least, I found hope for me, when I read of you personal life, and the fact that you have had many wives. (None of them simultaneaously). (Woo! I used big word when drunk!) Perhaps in your future, you will fall in complete and eternal love with a red head with excessive boobage?

I will be honest (because I drank Windsor) I’m not entirely sure what has drawn me to you, but be assured that my feelings are real. But I must tell you a secret- I know your real name. and it is NOT Sean Bean, But since your fake name carries Dr. Seuss qualities, I shall forgive you, and still offer a booby squish.

If you find it in your heart (or your pants) to provide me with the other-wordly love I desire from you, please let me know.

XOXO, Sparklebumps


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